Teacher's Pet Page #9

Why do you think I left your apartment|so suddenly last night?

I'm sure you had a pang|of conscience. I doubt if anyone-

I didn't want to hurt you|any more than I already had.

What you did to me is unimportant.

But what you did to the other students|is inexcusable.

They pay their tuition|which they can ill afford.

And after working hard|at other jobs all day long...

they study or they come to class|because they'll sacrifice anything...

- to gain a little more knowledge.|- Now, wait a minute-

I don't expect you|to understand, Mr. Gannon.

You're stupid...

and I think you're proud of it.

And this makes you cruel.

And now, may I leaVe, if you're finished?

Are you finished now?

Roy, here's that|Women's Federation story.

What about this, Jim?

Handle it any way you want.

I do something wrong?

No.

Look, yell at me, swear at me,|but please don't be quiet and polite.

It's not like you, Jim.

Sorry. I'll watch myself.

They look like new, Mr. Gannon.

- Hang them on the cabinet, will you?|- Yes, sir.

Well, it's wet and warm anyway, Jim.

Mr. Gannon?

Yeah.

Wanna look oVer the obituaries I did?|Roy says they're not bad.

WheneVer you get time.

Barney...

sit down a minute.

Barney...

I'Ve been thinking it oVer...

and I'Ve decided|that your mother is right.

I think you better go back|and finish school.

My mother's-|Now, let's put it this way.

You'll only be quitting|for a few years...

and when you want to come back-|I won't quit.

Then I'll haVe to fire you.

Just when I'm getting started?

You won't do any worse|with an education...

and you might do a lot better.

What's wrong with this stuff?|Just tell me one thing.

Well, for one thing,|how do you spell "philanthropist"?

How'd you learn to|spell "philanthropist"?

The way I learned to spell|eVerything else.

One lousy letter at a time.

But the hard way|isn't always the best way.

I'm not sure it eVer is.

You'Ve always told me experience is|the most important thing that-

Experience is the jockey.|Education is the horse.

You'll find out there are|a lot of other places in the world...

beside this city room.

You only spend eight hours a day here.

If you're lucky, you sleep eight.

That leaVes eight hours more|to talk to...

other people about other things.

And if all you know is newspapers...

you'll always be excusing yourself|and leaVing the table.

I'Ve spent one-third of my life...

going to, staying in, and coming back|from men's rooms.

And that's not going to happen to you.

You're fired!

- Max got the axe.|- I know, she called me.

I tried to tell her of your belated surge|of honesty, but she wouldn't listen.

Am I interrupting you working?

No, merely trying to get|my mind off my head.

Been going through some old copies|of her father's newspaper.

Research for the book|we're doing together.

Now, don't worry.|She'll forgiVe you eVentually.

No.

When they hang in your arms|like an old laundry bag...

it's all oVer, brother.

Nonsense.

First she'll go through the typical|feminine reaction of indignation...

then indifference, then indigestion,|then insomnia.

Then she'll accept|your apologies retroactiVely.

It's not what I'Ve done.

It's what she's done to me.

Before, I had contempt|for eggheads like her and you.

Well, I was wrong.|Brother, was I wrong.

But at least I was definitely wrong.

I was an obstinate, prejudiced,|inconsiderate, cold-hearted louse!

But at least I was something!

Now that I'Ve learned to|respect your kind...

I'm just a big understanding|remorseful slob.

A complete zero.

That's too bad.

Maybe you'll get oVer it.

Would you like a drink?

I sure would. Could I haVe a martini?|That's what I started on.

You'll haVe to fix it.|Just the thought makes my head thump.

You don't know what it's like|to liVe one way all your life...

confident that you're right...

and then suddenly find out|that you're all wrong.

I'm like a guy whose house|just burned down.

I'Ve got no place to go.

When did this feeling of inadequacy|first manifest itself?

I guess it's been creeping up on me|for years, like ivy.

But it really started|when she got me asking myself why.

Now I question eVerything I do.

And then this morning,|she called me stupid.

Well, two weeks ago,|I would haVe belted her.

But this morning I say to myself:

"Why did she call me stupid?"

And the answer came to me like that.

Because I am stupid.

Vermouth.

Ice. I'm sorry, I used it all.

- Join me?|- Oh, no, thanks.

Nothing in gin that can hurt you.|Best thing for your stomach.

Well, all right.

Let me make sure|the window's closed first.

Gannon...

I'm gonna haVe to disagree with you.

You're not the least stupid.

But like so many self-made men...

you refuse to|trust your own intelligence.

Intelligence?

I know chimpanzees|who haVe a better education than I haVe.

I had to cut cards with the teacher|to see if I got through the eighth grade.

You're confusing education|with schooling.

Education is|the acquisition of knowledge.

Which I haVe acquired not one ounce of.

Now, don't be so sure.

If you look it up, you'll find that|the definition of knowledge is...

"knowing, familiarity|gained by experience".

You'll also find that wisdom is...

defined as "the possession|of experience and knowledge. "

Being experienced, you therefore|haVe education, you haVe knowledge...

and you haVe wisdom. You're brilliant...

- and you make a good martini.|- Look...

here's a press pass.|This proVes that I'm a newspaperman.

Here's a driVer's licence...

this proVes I'Ve passed a driVing test.

Now, you're a Ph. D. That proVes|that you're an educated man.

You know,|I don't eVen haVe a high school diploma.

When you haVe one, it doesn't mean|anything, you lose it, throw it away.

But if you'Ve neVer had one...

and you get to my age...

it's like the Nobel Prize.

Gannon...

I'Ve sat on many uniVersity accreditation|committees and I promise...

before you leaVe tonight|you'll haVe a B.A. in Lillibral Arts.

Lillibral?

There's oxygen seeping|into this room from some place.

Now.

The first thing we haVe to do|is get you through high school.

I think you're ready for college.

Now, let's try this.

That's great.

No, a Bachelor of Arts|leaVes it buttoned.

When you get your Master's Degree...

- then you can wear it open.|- No, it's no use, Doc.

I may look like a scholar|on the outside...

but inside I'm still an idiot.

- No.|- An experienced idiot...

but I'm still an idiot.

Now, don't start doubting yourself again.

I can't help it.|I'Ve lost all my confidence.

I'm not eVen sure I know anything...

about the newspaper business|anymore.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe my kind did go out|with Prohibition.

That must be one of my students.|Why don't you just relax for a minute?

I'll get rid of him.

Good eVening.

- Feeling better?|- Yes, a little.

- How do you feel?|- I'm fine.

What I meant is...

I'd be happy to make it|another night if you'd like.

- It doesn't bother me, really...|- It's fine.

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