Ten North Frederick

---

I'd want her to be happy, even if

she weren't on my consience.

They're coming.

Direct in front of me..

...across from me, stands the

palatial mansion..

...where Joseph B. Chapin

was born..

...and where he died.

The house was built by

Mr. Chapin's grandfather..

...over a hundred years ago.

Here come the distinguished

funeral guests now.

We see Mr. Arthur McHenry..

...the late Mr. Chapin's law partner.

And Mr. Joseph B. Chapin Junior.

Miss Ann Chapin..

...popular member of the Gibbsville

younger set.

And Mrs. Edith Chapin.

The bereaved widow.

Now arriving is Governor

Lloyd Williams.

With him are State Senator

Mike Slattery..

...and Mr. Robert Hooker.

Editor of the Gibbsville Standard.

All three were close personal

friends of the departed.

And even at this distance

their grief is evident.

Governor!

Give us a smile will you please?

Now boys, this is a funeral.

Thank you.

Mr. Paul Donaldson.

The famous multi-millionaire

banker from New York.

And Lieutenant-General Coates who drove

here from Washington for the funeral.

Edith. I call myself a dealer

in words.

But today I have none to offer.

Today Robert. But not yesterday.

Oh. You saw my editorial?

I consider it one of the finest

pieces of writing I've ever read.

And not only because it was about Joe.

The Bar Association was having

it reprinted.

It's an empty honor when

I think of it.

Well, I wish the occasion hadn't

arose... arisen.

Thank you.

I think I should ought to try and say a

few words to each of our guests here.

Oh, you shouldn't be downstairs here at all.

It's a rare sight to see such

courage these days.

I've always lived for my husband..

...my family. Nothing else.

You're very brave Edith Chapin.

Get Joby.

He should be down here with us.

It looks... tacky.

I'll try to get him downstairs, mother.

Edith.

Arthur dear.

You were Joe's best friend.

Stay beside me.

You know how painfully

shy I am.

So good of you to come, Governor.

Joe would have appreciated it.

The least I could do Edith.

And you, Mike.

He was always so fond of you.

Mike, you're in trouble.

She wants something.

What, for instance?

Oh, say a small ambassadorship.

Or some other post suitable to a widow

of wealth and refinement.

I don't owe her a thing.

But she thinks you owe her

a hundred grand.

"Madam" requests your

presence downstairs.

One more slug, and I might

be up to it.

There, you know you get

plastered on two drinks.

This is a day to get plastered.

Have you got the right idea?

Is she being noble, our

bereaved mother?

Yes, she's being noble.

Too terribly stiff-upper-lip

noble.

When you go back to camp?

On the 11.05 tonight.

First time I ever looked

forward to it.

I'm beginning to appreciate why

father need this stuff.

Did you love him Joby?

He was my father. The only

one I ever had.

I don't mean like that.

I mean, did you positively

love him?

As a human being?

Well, not the way you

did, old girl.

In spite of what he did to you.

He didn't do it.

He went along with her.

He let her do it.

Only because he went by

his rule-book.

It was an awfully thin little book.

But the rules in it were important.

Such as..

..."The mother takes charge..

...when her daughter commits

a social error..

...like getting herself pregnant."

Joby, do we have to have that?

I'm sorry, I didn't think.

Forget it.

Sorry, Anna-banana.

I can take almost anything..

...but not the music.

Music does it to you like nothing else.

Where's Charlie now?

Coast guard.

Uh, what do you call them?

Chief Petty Officer?

Leading a band.

He's married and lives

in New Jersey.

Not another one Joby.

Come on. Better go downstairs.

Feeding time at the zoo.

I hope "Madam" is getting

something out of this.

Joby... let her put on her act.

Let her enjoy putting

on her act.

After all..

...who has she got?

You... and me.

Her son and daughter.

Who has she got?

Oh, you left out the most

important one of all.

Who?

Herself. She has herself.

And she's been having herself

for years and years.

That's why the biggest thing in

Joseph B. Chapin's life..

...was his funeral.

Are you aware of what she

did to father?

What did she do to father?

Poisoned him.

Oh, now Joby. Wait a minute.

I'm waiting.

How did she poison him?

With a slow poison.

Undetectable...

...to modern scientific methods.

Now I get it.

Now you get it.

She did something to him..

...that was like a slow poison.

You get it.

Why?

He was in her way. She didn't

need him anymore.

Joby, what did happen to him?

Only five years ago.

Remember?

He was so strong and so jolly,

and so eager for life.

Say you remember!

I remember.

Don't think, Anna-banana.

Thinking stinks..

Yes!

Thinking stinks.

Which nobody can deny!

Which nobody can deny!

For he's a jolly good fellow,

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow..

...which nobody can deny.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Our guest of honor has

threatened to shoot me..

...if I make a speech.

But I think we can all

safely wish him:

Happy, happy!

And many, many!

To Joe Chapin!

God bless him!

God bless him.

Frankly, I don't know

what we're celebrating.

A man's 50th birthday should

be kept a secret..

...like all of a woman's birthdays.

Oh, you're just a young sprog.

Well, I guess I can't complain.

I have good friends.

As tonight has proved.

A pair of fine children.

I'm sorry Joby can't be with us tonight.

But he couldn't get away

from school.

And I have... Edith.

Well, I don't know about

you old crocks..

...but I'm going to dance with

a beautiful young lady.

I guess I have the right.

Because I have been paying her

bills for quite a few years.

Come on, Ann.

Let's show them something.

May I have the pleasure

Mrs. Chapin?

I don't feel like dancing.

Thank you.

Oh, come on.

People are looking at us.

If you didn't want to be see with

me, you shouldn't have invited me.

My husband invited you.

Because I'm the district attorney

and couldn't be left out?

Exactly!

Here I was, thinking..

...I'd made the social grade

at last.

Hi Joe!

Ann, would you honor you

old Uncle Arthur?

You're making me very

happy Edith.

You promised never to annoy me.

And I think you're drunk.

Drunk... but discreet.

After all. I've kept our little

secret for fifteen years.

A gentleman would have

forgotten it.

But, I'm not a gent.

Aspirin.

These days champagne

doesn't exhilarate..

...it just gives me a headache.

Scotch. And Saratoga veggi.

No ice.

Joe.

You ought to take a good

look at yourself.

In what way?

You're fifty years old today.

We haven't too much time left.

You and I.

Time for what?

Coming...

Have you got a girlfriend?

Nope.

You ought to come to New York

with me sometime.

And I'll fix you up with a

little group I know.

You will?

Uhuh.

They're not kids. But who

wants kids?

New York's overrun..

...with the fanciest, good-looking

dames in the world.

And there isn't a thing

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