That's Carry On

KENNETH WILLIAMS:

Ooh, how am I going to get all this lot in?

BARBARA WINDSOR:

Bilmey! You have got a lot there.

KENNETH:
No, it's impossible!

( She strains and groans )

Ooh, listen. You wriggle and I'll shove.

We're nearly there.

Don't stop!

( He groans )

Push the knob in.

It won't work if you don't push the knob in.

Oh.

You're right!

She's not just a pretty face.

Ladies and gentlemen, from 28 films...

And God knows how many film stars...

That's Carry On!

# Fanfare #

We don't meed your recommendation,

thank you.

Ooh! No, it wasn't like that at all.

It was noble, a pageant of history.

A cavalcade of contemporary comment!

A colossal Carry On cockup!

Yes. No! Stop messing about.

KENNETH:
What about that, then?

Huge action colour spectacular

and a cast of thousands!

( Breaks wind )

Ooh, yes, the Carry Ons certainly had

an atomosphere of their own.

You can say that again.

KENNETH:
I thought

we'd start off with one of my favourites,

Carry On Don't Lose Your Head.

In the end, I did lose my head.

- Oh, it don't show.

- No, well, it...

Miss Sharp, straight out of the knife box!

Mm... Ooh!

( Hum of conversation )

Oh, hark at me.

You needn't request an audience.

You've got one.

It's these bubbles.

They get lodged in my chest.

Hmm, there's room for a few lodgers there.

( Rhythmic clapping )

# Lively music #

Excuse me, my dear. May I cut in?

Of course, Rodney, darling.

Thank you, my dear.

Act naturally.

Ah, Sir Rodney! I must congratulate you.

A perfectly splendid charity ball!

Thank you, Lady Binder.

Now, do tell me. What is it all in aid of?

SFA.

Oh, come. It must be in aid of something.

SFA- Stramded French Aristocrats.

Oh, of course. A very worthy cause.

And you've done them proud tnight.

But then, you've always had magnificent

balls, and I wouldn't miss one of them!

Thank you, Lady Binder.

I bet they didn't hold any balls

there for a long time.

They did! Every Tuesday.

I'd go round clearing up the mess after

with a bucket and shovel.

Like you did in the next Carry on,

Follow That Camel.

Good day.

( Camel grunts )

( Cock crows )

( Cock crow again )

This appears to be the place, sir.

Well, help me down, will you, Simpson?

Ho! Camel, boo-boo.

Hi-ha! Hi-ha!

I've got it.

Good morning, madam.

My name is Bertram Oliphant West.

Well, I'm sorry, but what can I do about it?

My name is Zigzig.

And what can you do about that?

No, no, you misunderstand me, madam.

I merely wish to ask where one goes

to join the Foreign Legion.

Ah, just one moment!

I go ask the sergeant.

Sergeant?

Sergeant Nocker.

He is important man in Legion.

He know everything.

Is he here?

Oh, yes.

Often.

Perhaps it's the married quarters, Simpson.

There are two men here

who are wanting to join you.

Nothing doing. Let them find their own bed!

Ah, sugar date. Hold it right here, sugar.

Sergeant, do you have to go back now?

You're a good girl. Thanks a lot, honey.

Thanks for the lift.

I have a good ass.

No?

Was ist das? Ze joke?

Oh, I forgot I had it on my head, sir.

- Deal with this man, Sergeant!

- Yes, sir. It'll be a pleasure.

Oh, it's the hat! Oh, don't blame him, sir.

- He was so busy helping me, that he...

- Silence!

# Exotic rhythm #

I don't know if you happened to notice,

sir, but these things...

Yes, Simpson, I did happen to notice.

We have some casserole dishes

just like that at home, sir.

Oh, yes, that's right.

We used to put our dumpings in them.

We use them for the same reason here.

The infidels will all perish when the

second crescent of the moon enters

- Orion's third phase.

- When in that?

Tuesday.

First, the legionnaires at Fort Zuassantneuf,

and then the infidels at Sidi-bel-Abbes.

It has been ordained by the prophet,

Mustafa Leak.

Mustafa Leak!

Mustafa Leak.

Now,

you have until nightfall

to come to your senses.

If not, they will come off...

..one by one.

I suppose he means our ears.

That's my boy.

Always thinking of the higher things.

- You're in.

- Oh, thank you very much indeed.

How is that?

Oh, that wasn't fair,

blowing up people's balls like that.

If you think that's not cricket,

what about our hospital films?

( Siren Wails )

- ( Groans )

- Hurts, does it, sir?

Ooh, no. I'm just doing this

to while away the journey.

( Tyres Screech )

Blimey! He's in a hurry.

WOMAN:
Now, don't be a silly boy.

If I let you, would that make

me a sensible one?

What's going on here, Nurse?

Sister, he won't let me take his

underpants off, the silly boy.

You're damn right, I won't.

And I'm not a boy, as you'd soon find out.

- Mr Bigger...

- All right, Sister. That's quite enough.

I'll handle this.

( Groans )

What are you in here for, then?

Something nasty?

No, not really. Just a pain in the back.

Last bloke in that bed

had the same thing.

- Did he?

- Right up to the end.

Oh. That's cheering.

I'll say one thing for them.

It's a nice, warm bed.

Should be.

They only took him out half an hour ago.

Well, I'll give you a local

jab to kill the pain.

If you just turn over...

Turn over, turn here, turn there!

I wish I'd never come here in the

first place. Oh, get out of it!

Fine. Now, this isn't going to hurt.

Huh... Who?

Good morning.

Oh. Good morning.

I'm afraid I must have overslept.

- What time is it?

- Six o'clock.

Six o'clock.

- In the morning?

- Yes, that's right.

Did you have a good night?

I'll let you know when it's over.

I dreamt about you last night, Nurse.

- Did you?

- No, you wouldn't let me.

Is it all right if I finish my sleep now?

- By all means.

- Thank you.

Sleep's good for you.

Washy time!

Look, I don't want washy time.

Stop!

I wouldn't put that in my mouth,

if I were you. It might explode.

I hope not. Matron doesn't approve

of banging in the wards.

( Vacuum Cleaner Rattles )

( Clang )

( Rattling drowns out speech )

Cow!

( Doors Bang Open )

( Clatter )

Try and use it, My Bigger.

Thank you. It's just what I needed.

All right. Here we go, then.

Let's see those dimples.

( Yells )

( Groans )

Yaaaa!

( Groans )

Mr Bigger!

What are you doing down there?

Waiting for a No.7 bus.

I'm Nurse May. I was told

to report here, Sister.

- I'll be with you in a moment.

- Hi.

( Bang )

( Whistle blows )

KENNETH:

Where's the colour, you silly girlie?

There ain't no colour in this bit.

Course there is.

It's like the telly: "Turn up your colour knob."

Haven't you ever heard of black and white?

It was all the go when I was a kid.

I'm far too young to remember.

Oh, yeah? Well, cop a load of this.

Cop a... Oh!

No, don't!

Would you mind not smoking?

It affects me. I've got a weak stomach.

Are you going to hospital?

Into the army.

- The army?

- Yeah.

Huh! So am I.

Army doctors... huh!

I'll tell you, mate. Two of everything

you should have two of, and you're in.

Stand up.

Stand still.

Cough.

Who are you?

- James Bailey, BSc Economics.

- Your number?

I'm not proud of it. It was given to me.

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