That's Carry On Page #2

I earned my degree.

- Your rank!

- That's a matter of opinion.

Look at this, man.

You've nothing to complain of.

Look at the suit they've given me.

This was plumped on my head

without even the pretence of fitting.

Who is that young lad

in the funny hat, then?

The young lad in... How dare you!

Yes, you can laugh,

but we were real men in those days.

Young stalwarts

called to the colours.

Charge!

Ooh, dear.

Charge!

( Yells )

I ought to have thrown the lot

of you in the guard room,

for persistent, unrelenting,

blundering, malicious stupidity!

I'll paralyse the lot of you!

Look at you, standing as

if you're pregnant.

It wouldn't surprise me,

after the way I've been mucked about.

Oh, those were the days!

Explosions to the left of us,

explosions to the right of us!

Once more unto the breach, dear friends.

You do go on about your army days,

don't you?

On the contrary, Barbara dear,

I'm simply setting the scene

for Carry On Nurse.

Nurse Dawson, is it your intention

to wreck my ward?

I'm going to shave you.

Shave? My appendix isn't on my face.

I'm not going to shave your face.

( Scraping )

( Scraping continues )

Relax, Mr York.

Now, Mr Bishop, will you sit down, please?

There.

- Now...

- What? What, what?

You can't sleep in those.

That's quite all right. I can take them off.

- With one hard?

- Yeah, yeah, I can manage. Thank you.

You two ladies just turn your back.

Wait! What's going on?

What a sauce! Nurse, please.

Ooh...

What a fuss about such a little thing.

# Orchestra tune up #

# Virtuoso piano playing #

Whoa...

Anything wrong?

No, very nice, thank you.

Phew...

# Piano cadenza #

Er, just a minute, Mr York.

Hello, what's that?

For your bowels. Sit down, please.

Have you er... given one of these before?

Oh, good gracious. Hundreds.

Get it down, now.

Other end, Nurse.

Never mind. With a face like mine,

it's a mistake anyone might make.

MAN:
Come in.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hello, Colonel.

To what do I owe the honour of this visit?

- You're going back into the ward tomorrow.

- That's right.

We have to carry out just one final test.

- It'll only take a few minutes.

- That's all right.

( Hushed ) Hey! What goes on?

We're getting our own back on the old boy.

Oh, he's a sport.

By the time we're through with him,

he'll need to be.

WOMAN:
How fortunate I met you, Matron.

Matron.

I have a lot to do today, Sister.

I must get through my rounds early.

- Everything won't be ready.

- Oh, quite all right.

I do hope our troublesome Colonel

won't delay me too long today.

- ( Knock at door )

- COLONEL:
Come in.

Good...

Colonel! Whatever's going on?

Come, come, Matron. Surely you've seen

a temperature taken like this before?

Oh... ( Chuckles )

Yes, Colonel, many times,

but never... with a daffodil.

Fancy being lumbered with a daffodil.

We were always being lumbered

with something, espcially names.

Like Hope Springs.

Dan, Dan, the sanitary man.

Miss Easy Rider.

Private Widdle.

- But there's one name they couldn't call you.

- What was that?

Miss Allcock.

Ooh!

Hup! Monica, dear.

Keep it hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Hup, hup, hup! Halt.

Feet apart. Spring.

And relax.

How do you do?

So pleased to meet you.

- Miss Allcock.

- Mr Grigg.

Are you satisfied with your equipment,

Miss Allcock?

Well, I've had no complainted so far.

Do you find mental relaxation

follows physical activity?

Oh, always.

Do you favour the Swedish method?

Well, I always say

it's the same the whole world over.

( She giggles )

Shall we have a demonstration,

Miss Allcock?

Right-oh.

Hands on hips, please.

And... to the left, two, three.

To the right, two, three.

Forward, two, three.

And up!

Hands above head, place.

Fast-forward, bend.

You're drunk!

- Watch your hands...

- Miss Allcock!

...or I'll flatten you out like a carpet,

you slanderous cat!

( Groans )

Ooh! I'll bet that hurt.

But the gang always took a

lot of stick.

- Eh?

- Stick!

Oh, yes. That, too.

I had a big stick once.

It was so enormous,

I had to hide it down my trousers.

Is that why you walked so funny

in Carry on Constable?

Just a moment. Could you possibly direct

me to the police station?

Certainly.

Er, just cross over and it's up

there on the left.

Hello.

Hello, Gorse.

Sorry I'm late, Sergeant,

but I couldn't leave home without

bringing something bright and gay

for the poor indisposed constables.

So... it was off to my greenhouse

and with a little snip here,

a little snip there... Snip, snip!

And here we are, with my love.

Ooh! What have I said?

With my very best floral greetings.

Thank you.

And now you must all meet Bobby,

my budgie.

Say hello, Bobby.

Hello, Bobby.

Isn't he the greatest thing?

I just couldn't leave him behind.

Yes, well, Gorse will be working full time with us

as from today, on account of this flu trouble.

You'll all sleep together.

Charmed, I'm sure.

- All ready, then?

- Yes, come on. Turn it on!

Oh, I'm frightfully sorry. I remember now.

- It only comes out hot at certain times.

- You maniac!

Let's get out of here.

Ooh! Aah!

Ooh! Aah! Ooh!

( Woman screams )

Gentlemen, really!

Ooh! Aah!

It's disgraceful!

Well, you did ask for a cell

with a southern exposure.

Sergeant Wilkins sent me, sir.

Said you wanted a constable.

Yes. I've finished with those. Burn them.

Sir.

Potter!

- What?

- Not those!

- You told me to, sir.

- They're my consolidating notes!

Well, get water. Don't panic.

Don't panic.

Stand clear, sir.

Potter!

- ( Barks excitedly )

- Heel, heel.

Good dog! Good dog!

( Barks )

I'm frightfully sorry...

Sir!

Let me help you out.

Whoa! Aah!

Oh, what a couple of wets.

Fancy offering a hand to your

superior officer.

That's crawling.

- Wouldn't you give anyone a hand?

- Certainly not.

Not unless it was someone

vastly superior to myself.

Then I'd Carry On Regardless.

Which way? This way? That way?

Oh, down here? All right.

Come along.

Go for a nice walk, shall we?

Come along, then. Walk nicely.

You're not bring that thing on here,

and that's final.

But he's tired of walking, and beside,

I want to give him a proper outing.

The best way to see London

is from the top of a bus.

Not from the top of this one.

Great hairy thing!

- I am not. I...

- Hold tight!

I've a good mind to report you to

the RSPCA. Cheeky monkey!

No offence.

Yes, the British Transport Commission

should hear about this!

Taxi! Taxi!

Can you take us to...

I'll take you, but not your brother.

Don't go. Think of brainwashing.

How can they wash what isn't there?

( Foreign accent ) Thank you.

You're not English.

And you're not Chinese. So what?

So this.

We might be on the same journey.

Of course we are.

OK. I'm persevering.

So I see, and I don't like it.

Ah, quit the pretence, baby.

I'm your man.

- What?

- I'm very glad we've met.

I wasn't altogether looking forward

to jumping off the train.

- Huh?

- But that's OK by me.

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