That's Carry On Page #3

You say we jump together, then we jump.

Can we talk this over somewhere less public?

( Cockney ) Sorry, mate.

'Ere, did he get his jump?

No, he got taken for a ride with rest

of them in Carry On Cabby.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

You're not driving a bulldozer now.

Just relax. Watch out!

( Brakes screech )

Missed him.

Do me a favour. Just take it easy.

This may be an old cab,

but I'm very fond of her.

( Horn honks )

- ( Tyres screech )

- Round here!

( Horn honks )

That Cabby film, it played

to packed houses everywhere.

Well, almost everywhere.

Anyone home?

Somebody's potty.

How do I look?

Oh, smashing, yeah. You look ever so nice.

- Will you help me with mine?

- Of course.

Oh! 'Ere, that's fantastic. That's me when

I first joined the gang in Carry On Spying.

KENNETH:
Bernard Cribbins is teaching you

how to get your pistol under your bristols.

You'd better just put in

your handbag, Daphne.

All right, men. If you're ready...

Oh, no.

Oh, Mr Simpkins,

I hope we don't have to do much walking.

You're not supposed to wear it down there!

You'll do yourself a mischief.

It's supposed to be up here.

See? All ready to get off

a slick draw like that, you see?

I wish they'd make these things

the right way round.

Oh, Mr Simpkins, that was wonderful!

I'm sure I'll never get my draws off

as slickly as that.

I just want to say, Chief,

you can sleep peacefully.

You've chosen the right man for the job.

A man with a cool head,

a man who knows where he's going.

By the way, where are we going?

Vienna!

# Waltz #

What's the matter with you?

The journey from London to Vienna by

diesel locomotive is uncomfortably long.

Especially on a train with no corridor.

Caf Mozart, ten o'clock.

The penalty for smuggling in English

steak-and-kidney pudding is very excessive.

I have put my English steak-and-kidney

pudding in the next man's case.

Caf Mozart, ten o'clock.

# Zither melody #

( Cat meows )

I'd like a packed of filter-tipped

matches, please.

I'm sorry, I've only got

filter-tipped bootlaces.

I cannot smoke those. They make me deaf.

Caf Mozart, ten o'clock.

Schnitzelstrae, that's right.

Now, let me see. First of all I've got

to wait here and then I've got to...

- Hoo, hoo!

- ( Sultrily ) Good evening, darling.

You would like to come home and

see my fine old Viennese etchings?

I beg your pardon?

You would like to to come home

and see my fine old Viennese etchings?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afriad I cannot,

because I have broken my looking

glasses in two different places.

( Manly voice ) About time.

Caf Mozart, ten o'clock.

Hey, wait a minute. Where's Carstairs?

I am Carstairs.

Good evening.

( Man continues to wash hands )

( Toilet flushes )

Oh, good evening.

I should give it a minute.

Get back. There's someone there.

- Is it Carstairs?

- No,

it's a small man standing on one leg.

That didn't half hurt!

I was blown up as well, after that.

- I had to go away for a long sea voyage.

- Did it do you any good?

The rest of the gang went, too.

It was Carry On Cruising.

- Oh, look! It's in colour again.

- Yeah.

Good day, madam.

Care for a knock-up while

awaiting your partner?

Yes, Officer. Thank you.

But I'm not very good at the game.

Oh, it's quite easy.

Just be careful not to pong

instead of ping.

( He chuckles )

- Gently to begin, eh?

- If you please.

- ( Woman screams )

- I'm terribly sorry.

Most unfortunate.

( Clears throat )

Beginner's luck.

Try your luck on this.

Clever! Do it again.

( She giggles )

I'm terribly sorry, Captain, sir, dear.

I mean...

May I have the next dance?

I didn't know this was a dance.

Oh. Ooh...

No. It isn't, is it?

But every time I look at you,

I hear music.

Every time I look at you,

I think of music.

- Do you?

- Mm, Colonel Bogey. Excuse me.

Oh, wait.

Yes, the tropical...

Please.

A doctor! Aah!

Come along, sir. Everything will be

all right. Come along, now.

Two days on a simple cruise with

you lot, and look at me!

We made another film after that,

Carry On Jack.

Why did they call it Jack?

If we'd used the navy's word for it,

we'd have been censored.

Forward. Back.

Forward. Back.

Forward. Back. Forward. Back.

Forward. Back.

Heave-to. That's enough.

Let's have a look at it.

- Have you got it now?

- Mm.

Just swing the lead twice

and then heave it.

Right. Try it.

Right.

( He screams )

Ship ahoy!

Ah, yes. One of our luggers on

channel patrol.

Are you sure, sir?

Of course. Don't you think I know

a lugger when I see one?

An English frigate.

Give a signal for her to

come alongside.

Aye aye, sir.

They're making a signal.

They want us to come...

...alongside?

Down here, sir?

Yes, out there.

Easy does it.

That's it.

Now, gentlemen, we may be a

somewhat weary and depleted crew,

but we must still welcome our captain

aboard in a fitting and traditional manner.

Right. Give them three hearty

cheers, lads. Hip, hip...

Hooray!

( Commotion )

Lugger patrol? They're pirates!

Well, anyone can make a mistake.

Oh, you caught a cold in that one.

Darling, I can catch a cold anywhere.

Ooh, I do feel queer.

Oh, my dear! You've no idea

how much I've missed you.

Three years is a long time

to go without.

- Without what?

- Without the company a beautiful wife.

What about all those women abroad?

Mmm... There weren't any.

They don't have them abroad, you know.

They're a very bashful people there.

Really, Julius?

Really, darling.

( Door bursts open )

Sorry, sir, but what shall we

do with your woman here?

What is that?

Just a little thing I picked

up in Britain.

- It's for you.

- I don't want any of your pick-ups!

Citizens, today is your lucky day.

Top quality Britons, all fresh in today.

All right, there, citizens.

Here is another of our special offers.

Now, then. What am I bid for this...

for this er...

...for this?

One at a time, please, ladies.

Right. Now, come on. Who's

going to start the ball rolling, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

- ( Silence )

- No, I didn't.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just

stamped me with a little lion.

Look.

That means you'll be going

to the lions, mate.

- I hope they're a nice family.

- You'll find out.

Er, Hengist, what he means is, you're

to be thrown to the lions in the arena.

Oh, those lions... No!

Hengist! Well, it's quick, anyway.

The old head in the mouth a quick

snap of the old jaws and it's all over.

That's all very well, but how am I

going to get his head in my mouth?

# Trumpet fanfare #

Friends...

Romans...

- Countrymen.

- I know!

I have been away from you

now for three years.

( All cheer )

But now I am back!

( All blow raspberries )

You've never had it so good!

( Whispers ) Here's the door.

Strictly no admittance.

Vestal virgins and eunuchs only.

What are we?

Well, you should know!

Well, they must be somewhere around.

We'll have to chance it.

If anyone in there asks who we are,

say we're eunuchs.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes