That's Carry On Page #4

What have we got to lose?

# Trumpet fanfare #

CAESAR:
Aaah!

- Sir!

- Let me out of here.

It's a disgrace!

Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

O, wise daughters of the goddess Vesta,

grant me an augury.

Caesar! We shall all die for this!

Open up, I say, or must I enter?

Yes?

Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

Are you really a vestal virgin?

I'm sorry. Vestal virgins are off tonight.

Are my senses deserting me?

There's something funny

going on here.

Bilius... what are you doing

with you thing?

I'm sorry, sir, but for

the good of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personal bodyguard.

I don't want to die.

Infamy! Infamy!

They've all got it in for me.

I know how to handle this

ambitious battle-axe.

She's too big for her boots.

That's her trouble.

All right, I'll come straight

to the point. You...

Yes?

Is there something I can do for you?

( Growls softly )

Now, look. I'm sorry, miss,

but I've had my orders.

Madam, I...

( Growls softly )

Oh, don't apologise, please.

I could forgive such a handsome

visitor anything.

You said you knew how to

handle women.

Well, I do. It's all right.

Now, look here, miss.

I have come from Rome

at Caesar's express bidding

to get...

Just one moment. Look,

if you are going to get cross with me,

I'll just get of my bath and slip into something

a little more comfortable, if you don't mind.

( Growls softly )

You have got to see her!

Her hair is as black as ebony.

Her face is like an ivory goddess.

And her neck... is like a swan.

Ooh, yes! Go on.

Her feet like sculptured marble.

Don't leave out all the best bits!

I cannot tell you any more

about this woman.

She is absolute perfection!

They call her "the siren of the Nile".

Ooh, I hope she don't go off.

Think. Think. There must be some

way we can get rid of him.

I have a poisonous asp.

Ooh, I wouldn't say that.

No, no, no. I have. Look.

One bite from this is enough.

You're right.

One bite's enough for anyone.

That's shocking.

No, no, it is supposed to bite you.

Ah, didn't they have lovely frocks

in Carry On Cleo!

Especially the men!

They weren't frocks. They were togas.

And we sat on lovely, soft divans.

Better than those hard saddles

in Carry on Cowboy.

( Horse whinnies )

I wonder what they wanted.

( Shot rings out )

# Piano tinkles jauntily #

( Growls softly )

I'll just take that gun of yours, cowboy.

- What for?

- I don't allow no shootin' at my place.

Lady, I wouldn't dream of shooting

at your place.

I'm not afraid to use this, you know.

My, but you got a big one!

I'm from Texas, ma'am.

We all got big ones down there.

What are we waiting for, then?

You go right ahead.

I just got to get something.

OK.

# Piano melody #

- You can't go to her, Johnny.

- Don't talk so silly.

Johnny, don't turn our story into a

burning tale of lust, jealousy and passion

under a white-hot desert sun.

Don't make it a saga of sex, vengeance

and sudden death in the primitive West.

You delirious, or somethin'?

But, Johnny, she's no good!

Take it from me - she's after something.

And if you get out of the way,

she's gonna get it!

Oh, no, no! Not this way.

What other way is there?

I mean, not here.

Not here, in an office.

Come to my room at ten o'clock

and er... I'll be waiting for you.

( C*cks pistols )

MAN:
Hold it right there, Rumpo!

Now what?

- Marshall?

- That's right. I wanna talk to you.

OK. Drop by tomorrow.

I'm kinda busy right now.

Are you gonna walk down,

or do I have to shoot you down?

Oh, OK...

Fantastic. A fella can't even

live up to his name these days.

Go on, Marshall. You tell him.

Well, it seems that last night Colonel

Houston's ranch was raided again by rustlers.

What's that got to do with me?

I think it's got a lot to do with you.

They got away with 40 cows.

Bullocks.

No, I know what I'm talking about.

Why did this have to happen tonight?

I'll get Charlie and the boys.

You get upstairs, tell Miss Oakley

I've been unavoidably detained.

Leave it to me, Kid.

( C*cks pistols )

- ( Knock at door )

- Come and get it.

( Shots ring out )

( Glass shatters )

Oh! I'm terribly sorry.

I... thought you were somebody else.

Knutt!

This is Rumpo.

I'm coming in.

Rumpo!

Knutt!

Where are you?

Here, Rumpo!

Curly, you take that end.

Slim, you and me take the other.

KNUTT:
Look out behind you!

Knutt! Where are you?

Here, Rumpo!

( C*cks guns )

Just hold it right there, Rumpo.

I've been in some dark holes myself

in Carry On Screaming.

- Oh, which part did you play?

- Just a bit part.

I did the biting.

What's the matter? What did I do?

What was that funny noise?

What funny noise?

I don't know, sort of...

( Pants rapidly )

I can't help being a bit passionate.

I've got a feeling someone's

watching us.

Good luck to 'em.

I've been courting you a year

- and there's been nothing worth watching.

- Albert!

Well, I'm sorry, Doris, but after all,

I'm only flesh and blood.

If something doesn't happen soon, well...

something's going to happen.

That's all.

Ain't it funny!

I never thought of you being like that.

You know - flesh and blood, and that...

Well, it's time you started

thinking about... that.

- Oh, Albert...

- Oh, Doris.

- What now?

- There is something in those bushes.

( Footsteps approach slowly )

( Door creaks )

Yes?

Good evening.

Could I see the master of the house?

The master of the house is dead, sir.

He's been dead 15 years now.

But if you'll come in,

I'll ask him if he can see you.

( Thunderclap )

( Rumble of thunder )

( Thunderclap )

Do you mind!

That does it!

I have had enough!

You've had enough? What about me?

That's the trouble.

I don't know about you.

It's an old and rather unusual brandy.

It has a... smoky flavour.

It has a smoky look, too.

To get the most out of it,

it's best to take it straight

down in one go.

Well, here's to... friendship.

Aah!

Yes... 1870.

A very good year.

Valeria, has it worked?

I don't know yet.

( Groans )

Yaa-aah-ha-ha-ha-aah!

He looks absolutely lovely.

Very nice.

Rubatiti! I've done it!

He's come alive.

Oh, isn't he lovely!

( Mummy grunts )

What are you doing?

Why are you looking at me like that?

It's me, Watty.

I'm your friend.

Rubatiti!

I'm your friend!

Rubatiti!

No! No! Oh, God!

Frying tonight!

Oh! I bet that made your hair

stand on end.

No, no. I was completely under control

the whole time.

Mm. Don't let anything stand

on end in the next bit.

Ooh!

NARRATOR:

In spite of all she'd heard,

Sally was quite unprepared

for the sight that met her eyes

as she looked out of her tent on

this first morning in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked, happy campers

went about their everyday tasks

uncencumbered by clothing,

unembarrassed and unashamed.

So this was Paradise.

How beautiful it seemed to her.

How unlike her past holidays

in Bournemouth.

Suddenly, Sally's shyness

and natural timidity vanished

and, forgetting

all about her strict convert training,

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