That's Carry On Page #5

she stepped put from her tent

as naked and free as nature intended.

Cor!

That's quite enough of that, thank you.

- What's up with you?

- You said this film was about camping.

Well, it is. Those are tents.

Not what you're looking at.

NARRATOR:
Setting out to explore Paradise,

Sally's first stop was at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers

were playing a mixed doubles.

Oh, cor blimey!

You won't see nothing like that at

Wimbledon, open or not.

NARRATOR:
In another part of the camp,

a party of carefree young people

were just starting off on a bicycle ride.

I feel sick.

It's disgusting, that's what it is.

What are you talking about?

It's artistic!

- Artistic?

- Certainly.

With all those big bottoms bobbling

about all over the screen?

You wouldn't think anything of it if we

walked around like that all the time,

free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd

rather we sat here all stark naked!

Wouldn't bother me.

It would if your ice lolly fell in your lap.

- Are you the owner of this site?

- No.

- Where is he?

- Gone for a pee.

( Rumble of thunder )

Whoa! Mind where you're putting that!

Give me a peg.

Here you are.

All right, bang it in.

- Ow! God!

- I'm sorry.

There's bedding and bunks by the coach.

No, no, Barbara.

Tent up first. Bunk up later.

Oh, that's it, girls.

Get your sopping clothes off my bed.

Get up!

Sorry.

Evening.

And up...

And down.

And up.

And rest.

Now, legs astride,

arms flinging from side to side.

Begin.

And fling. And in.

And fling. And in.

And both arms fling.

Now really let's see those

chests come out.

And fling! And in.

And fling!

And in. And fling!

Matron, take them away. Oh!

( She screams )

If you were a gentleman,

you'd close your eyes.

Ooh, I should think so, too.

I don't mind camping, but I hate

those creepy-crawly things.

They sting me and I come up in bumps.

Mm, yeah, I see what you mean.

I think you should see the doctor again.

( Woman screams )

They've started early today.

( Screams )

What's all the fuss about?

What's happened, Doctor?

What scared you, Miss Armitage?

I was just having a shower

when she suddenly barged in.

That is the women's washroom.

Women's washroom?

Well, it was only changed yesterday, Doctor,

while the women's is being redecorated.

I'm afraid the notice isn't very clear.

I'm most terribly sorry, miss.

Excuse me, sir, but my friend and I,

we're doing spot diagnoses,

and I was wondering if you could help me.

Now, I'd say you've got haemorrhoids

and he thinks it's a slipped disc.

Could you tell us?

Let me see, now.

You thought it was a slipped disc?

- That's right.

- I'm afraid you were wrong.

- And you thought it was haemorrhoids?

- That's right.

I'm afraid you were wrong.

Well, what, then?

As a matter of fact,

I thought I was going to break wind.

I'm afraid I was wrong.

You see, I was posing on top of this

enormous packet, and I slipped and fell.

Well, we'd better have a closer

look at you.

If you would, Matron.

Cor!

What's wrong?

Er, n-n-nothing. No, nothing at all.

It's... marvellous.

I can't see any sign of bruising.

Can you, Doctor?

I think we'd better turn you over,

hadn't we?

Turn over, please.

Cor!

Can you see them?

Oh, yes. Not half!

Oh, yes, yes. Nasty, very nasty. Er...

Tell me if this hurts you, would you?

Oh...

Well, I don't think

there's much of a fracture here.

Do you feel any fever or giddiness?

Yes, I do feel a bit hot.

I meant Miss Locks.

Oh. Oh, yes.

We'd better check you for that.

Would you turn over again, please?

Well, that one's all right.

Will you be wanting an X-ray, Doctor?

Pardon?

( Bellows ) Do you wish an X-ray?

Now say cheese.

( Equipment beeps )

( Screams )

Just st-stay where you are.

I'll pull the main fuse out.

He-e-e-elp!

( Screams )

I wouldn't have thought it possible

for one man to create such utter chaos.

Welcome to Azure Bay, doc.

May the fertility of Sumaca

swell your coconuts.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, it's just a local greeting.

Nothing personal.

I'm the orderly here. Screwer's the name.

- Screwer?

- Gladstone Screwer.

Most of them just call me Gladstone.

I'm not altogether surprised.

Well, may I come in?

Oh, yes, yes.

Katunga. Katunga. Chop chop.

Ooh! Ah!

Marvellous. Rain for nine months,

hurricanes for three.

That's why the natives call these

islands Allpiss N'Alfalfa.

All rain and wind.

( Draws breath sharply )

- Do you mind?

- As a matter of fact, I don't.

Well, I do!

You don't have to move out, you know.

It's a big bed.

Well, as I told you earlier today,

I'm not your sort of woman.

- I don't mean anything nasty. I'll marry you first.

- Are you mad?

- Marry me in the middle of the night?

- Where I come from, it's a simple ceremony.

We just make a quick cut

in each other's left hands,

put them together,

say "we are one" and it's legal.

Oh, I see.

Sort of... instant wedlock.

- Out there they call it a bleedin' ceremony.

- Yes, they often call it that here, too.

- Good luck, Lady Puddleton.

- ( Hisses ) Wait.

I can't share a room with a woman.

What about undressing?

You're a doctor.

She'll have nothing to surprise you.

No, but I'll have something to surprise her.

I'll have to get to know you

a bit better first.

- What are you doing?

- We have to get married first.

- What?

- Doesn't hurt much, just a quick slash.

I don't want a quick...

I don't want to get married.

Suit yourslef. Only don't come

complaining to me afterwards.

- You mustn't.

- Ooh, playing hard to get.

Come here.

- You little tease. Come here.

- No, listen...

- Come here, come on.

- Aargh!

( Gladstone cackles ) Hello?

Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!

A quick slash. That reminds me,

is there a little boys' room round here?

You should've thought of that before.

But this is a call of nature.

But this is the call of the jungle.

( Distant drumming )

Ooh! Phwoar...

That's enough.

You're getting too excited.

Take something, man. Take something.

What? Oh...

No.

What's this? Pickett's muscular elixir.

Eases stiffness.

( Growls softly )

( C*cks rifle )

Africa is so very romantic.

I never get tired of listening

to the strange noises.

- ( Night insects chirrup)

- Let us just sit quietly and enjoy the night.

( Mouths )

Is there something wrong, my dear?

No.

No, no, no. It's... quite all right.

A little more?

I don't mind.

Of course.

How dare you!

( Squeals )

Haven't you ever seen

a woman before?

Obviously not.

- ( Grunts )

- It's all right. It's nothing to be afraid of.

No, no, no. I know yours isn't like that,

but you're different from me.

I'm a woman.

Look. I'll show you.

See? Woman like that.

( Grunts )

Oh! No, no, that's a man.

A woman doesn't have a...

I mean... Oh, dear.

This is going to be very difficult.

ALL:
Tonka. Tonka.

Stick it up your honka.

( Honk )

It is written that man is

the fountain of life.

ALL:
Man is the fountain of life.

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