That's Carry On Page #6

Without him, women are as

dried-up gardens.

ALL:
Women are as dried-up gardens.

They can use my sprinkler any time.

You will be serious, please.

- Take it.

- What for?

It is the symbol of marriage.

I might have guessed.

Oh, yes? And what is this?

The symbol of fruitfulness.

Ask a silly question.

Yes.

'Ere, why did that girl give Sid a banana?

It was a marriage custom on the Limpopo.

Ooh, those poor girls! Going through

all that palaver to find Mr Right.

That's why the gang started a marriage

bureau in Carry On Loving.

They put couples together

using a computer.

Beats using a banana!

Fares, please.

Going all the way?

You must be joking!

That's better.

- Ooh!

- What's the matter?

You've got cold hands.

- Jenny...

- Oh. Terry...

( Door opens )

( Zipper )

Oh, sorry, Jenny.

I didn't know you were here.

Sally, this is my night. Wednesday.

I know.

It's all right. I'm going out...

As soon as I find my blue

sweater, anyway.

- Have you had it?

- Not yet.

Sophie, come and get it!

'Ere, look. How about that? Champers.

Oh, very nice. May I crack it?

Yes, go on, go ahead. There we are.

Ladies and gents, I realise that our marriage

has come as a bit of a shock to you all,

but I would like you to know

we are delighted to have you share

this great day with us,

all you blissfully happy couples

that we have brought together.

# Farcical wedding medley #

How dare you, you old bag!

Incoming.

Oh, I do like a nice sloppy wedding.

I think every girl should have one.

You'll like Carry On Henry, then.

He had eight of 'em.

# Music starts #

Ah! The pavane. My favourite measure.

Mine too.

May I have the pleasure?

Oh, no. I only came here to dance.

I promised my mother

I'd be a good Bette.

You're the best bet I've seen in years.

- Fancy that!

- Yes, I'm afraid he does.

Ooh, I can hardly believe it.

Little me in the King's arms.

Well, it's the best boozer in town.

With all those beautiful ladies in there,

why on earth did you pick on me?

There's a couple of things, I suppose.

Oh, Maj! You're only after one thing.

Why, what's the matter with

the other one?

Your Majesty, it is a great honour.

The King has done me.

No, no, no. No full stop.

"A great honour the King has done me."

Oh. That's right. Sorry.

It is a great honour the King has done me

by making me.

"By making me your lady in-waiting."

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Your Majesty,

if that isn't the best tunic I ever made,

my name isn't Moshe Montmerency.

- Yes, it's not bad.

- Not bad?

- The skirt's a bit on the long side.

- Skirt? Long?

We're proud of our royal legs, Moshe. We like

the ladies of the court to marvel at their length.

Your Majesty, I make the skirt any higher

and they won't be marvelling

at the length of the legs.

That remind me,

I need a bit more length on my hose.

Your Majesty is much too modest.

You see, I've really got

the biggest swan in the country.

- I'll show it to you.

- Yes.

Now, just over here you get

a beautiful view.

Just... round about there, I would say.

- Oh!

- There you are.

You twit!

Oh! You poor thing!

You're all wet through.

Oh, here.

Let me help you off with your clothes.

No, no, no. It's the wrong way round.

I was supposed to help...

That is the window of the room

where she daily bathes at this hour.

Ha, ha! Right, no mistakes this time.

Oh, don't worry, sire.

Nothing can go wrong.

All right. Let's go.

- Giddy-up, you lazy lump!

- ( Horse whinnies )

Put me down! No!

# Bugle sounds #

Ha, ha, ha!

Don't be frightened.

Who are you?

And what do you want?

Come here. Come here.

Hey, not so fast, there!

Oh, no, you don't.

Come on. We're not in

the hay just to look for needles!

People are prepared to pay

handsomely for my favours.

Oh... Blimey.

Here. I've only got a two-shilling piece.

Oh. I haven't got any change.

Don't worry, darling.

You can owe it to me.

( Coin rattles )

The thing to do, sire, is to play for time.

Act the part of a loving husband.

- Impossible!

- You don't have to enjoy it, sire.

Simply go through the motions.

How can I, without doing anything?

It would seem the Queen has got

you by the well-known chandeliers.

Exactly. And if I do bed her,

Wolsey won't be able to get the annulment.

Yes, well, that is liable to take time,

your Majesty.

I haven't got time! I need another wife.

Yes, well, perhaps in the meantime you

could make some other arrangements, sire?

What other arrangements?

Like taking a mistress.

I am the King,

with a proud family motto to uphold.

Never spit on your own doorstep.

But my Lord Cardinal is right, sire.

We must step cautiously.

Don't tell me.

How do you think we got the motto?

At least Henry could sit on the

throne when he wanted to.

Well, you'll have to wait.

Think yourself lucky.

Poor Joan Sims had to wait nearly

ten months in Carry On Matron.

Well, now, you're three weeks overdue.

Your husband's getting very impatient.

Him? Well, he can talk!

Took him seven years to

get me pregnant.

Now I am, I'm going to enjoy myself.

If nothing happens soon,

we must think about inducing labour.

What, just to please him?

It's only a bit over nine months.

He should be glad I'm not an elephant.

I'm sure we're all very thankful

for that, Mrs Tidey.

Your baby's perfectly all right.

He's not! He's not!

- What the matter, Nurse?

- Oh, it nothing, Matron.

What do you mean, "nothing"?

There's something wrong with him.

Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt.

You have a fine little boy!

Take a look at his little thing, then.

MATRON:
His what? Oh.

Well, I can't see anything

wrong with it.

But it's all bent to one side.

( Siren wails )

Nurse, in that case there,

you'll find a hypo.

- A what?

- A hypodermic.

Oh.

- What, this thing?

- Yes. Fill it from that bottle there.

The one labelled pethidine.

Take it easy.

It won't be long now, Miss Darling.

( She moans )

Hurry up, Nurse.

I'm coming.

( Tyres screech )

Ooh! You idiot.

You've given me the lot.

Mrs Tidey, another false alarm, I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think?

All that talk of injecting me put him off.

Possibly.

Still, it's nice to be back.

I don't like that delivery room.

It's not very comfortable.

Well, it isn't meant for comfort, Mrs Tidey.

It looks as if we'll have to try

something else, doesn't it?

Now you mention it, I wouldn't mind

some of the sausages and tomatoes.

Ah!

Cor! What is it?

Quick, tell me. What's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

Eh?

Oi!

Where do you think you're going?

I've got a load here.

I wouldn't want to drop it.

My sentiments exactly.

Oh, give us a hand.

Look, this'll take your mind off it.

Remember that lovely holiday

we had in Carry On Abroad?

Oh, yes.

Please! Please, working!

Why not working?

Welcoming, ladies and gentlemens.

Welcomings. I am Monsieur Pp.

Oh, yes. I see. Well, I'm the representative

of Wundatours. Stuart Farquhar.

Stupid what?

- Stuart. Stuart Farquhar.

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