That's Carry On Page #7

- I think he was right the first time.

( Clanking and whirring )

What the hell is that?

Five o'clock!

( Drilling )

( Buzzing )

I'm not standing for that!

Ooh!

( Racket continues )

( Drilling )

Vic! Vic!

Look up there!

( Voice drowned out )

Do you think you can do something

about the windows? They won't open.

Holdings, please.

One minute, please.

It is easies, no? Thankings.

- ( Screams )

- Blimey.

Vic! What are you doing in here?

Get out of here!

Sorry. If I'd known you were in here,

I wouldn't have come.

Yes, all right. Just get out of here

quick before somebody comes in.

You haven't got any soap on that bit.

- Sadie, just a minute...

- CORA:
Vic, are you in the bathroom?

Oh, cor blimey! Get back inside.

Quick.

I er... I think you dropped something.

Oh.

I, er...

Good thing I happened to come along,

because she mightn't have noticed.

Cora. Cora, just a minute.

# Swinging instrumental #

Aah!

( Splash )

- I think we'd better go to bed.

- That's a rather good idea.

Can we go up now, Bert?

It's been a lovely evening.

Might as well. Things seem

to be breaking up, anyway.

( Chuckles ) Open the windows,

love, and let's get a bit of air.

Right. That's a good idea.

Won't be long. ( Cackles )

I forgot!

( Screams with laughter )

They put the bloody glass in!

( Rumbling )

What's going on out there?

( Wind howls )

Aaargh!

Bert! Are you all right?

Fine. Just fine.

- ( Rumbling )

- Oh, do hurry up, darling.

Coming.

Stand by to repel boarders!

( Whinnies )

( Coughing )

That does it. Everybody out!

Everyone out. Abandoning hotel.

Oh, look at all that water gushing.

Ooh, it makes you grit

your teeth, doesn't it?

- Well, you'll just have to hold it, Kenny.

- Why?

Well, look. There's me showing off

my assets in Carry On Girls. Ooh!

( Clears throat ) Excuse me,

do you mind if I join you?

Oh, help yourself.

It's big enough, isn't it?

By Jove, yes.

I won't ask how far you want to go.

I might get the wrong answer.

Only to the bottom, my dear.

Sid, I want you to meet Cleopatra.

How do you...

- Have you gone out of your mind?

- No, it's for the photos.

Beauty and the beast. Get it?

Beauty and the... Beauty and

the beast! What a great idea.

Come on. Come over here.

- Come on.

- I am not having it in here. William, take it out.

Be reasonable.

It's only for a couple of minutes.

- Reasonable? I don't even allow dogs in here.

- It's not a dog.

I know it's not, but these

carpets are very expensive.

( Splat )

I'm afraid it's too late.

You thieving b*tch!

- What's going on here?

- That's my bikini she's got on.

Really, I don't know

what she's talking about.

- Just a minute.

- She nicked it from my dressing room last year.

Darling, I wouldn't be

seen dead in your old rags.

You'll be seen dead

if you don't give it back!

That's quite enough.

You stay out of this!

You rotten cow!

( Screams ) Oh, stop it, stop it!

( Chuckles ) Ooh,

we certainly suffered in that one.

I'm suffering now.

Hurry up! What's next?

My favourite subject. Dick.

- It's manners to wait till you're asked.

- Cheeky!

All right, ladies. We just want

your clothes and your valuables.

Oh, is that all?

That'll do, Lizzie.

Now, then, what about you?

No, you are not having it off.

That's not what I had in mind.

What's on the end of that gold chain?

No. No, you must not touch that.

It is my only means of support.

- Let me have a look at it.

- You mustn't.

( Cockney ) I told you

it was my only means of support!

As I was saying, sir,

All these hold-ups seems to have happened

within a 20-mile radius of this area here.

Yes, yes. Well?

We can deduce from that Turpin's

headquarters are somewhere around there.

What?! Oh,

any imbecile could see that, man!

Well, I just wanted to make

sure that you did.

Of course I did. Are you implying that

any imbecile has got more sense that I have?

No, sir.

There's a notorious inn just as

you go into Lower Dencher here.

It's the Old Cock, on the right.

That's where we've been

going wrong!

- What?

- I've made provision on the left.

Will you shut up about

the wretched breeches!

Go on, get up them stairs!

You minx, madam. Go on!

( Drunken jeers )

I am warning you lot for the last time.

This is for the next man who tries

to make free with one of my girls!

- I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.

- What did you say?

Your blade, ma'am.

You handle it too expertly for my liking.

I shouldn't worry. You don't look

as if you've got much to lose.

- Ha-ha! Much to lose!

- Shut up.

I understand you've met Dick Turpin.

Big Dick come up my place one night

with some buckshot in his cheek.

So you say his face?

No, not that cheek, silly.

You mean he kept his face mask on?

Of course. But I'd know him anywhere

again with his breeches down.

Really? How?

Well, he's got this funny

birthmark on his diddler.

- On his what?

- You know what a diddler is, don't you?

A diddler is a slang term for...

Flap me sideways!

I've never heard it called that before.

( Passes water )

How do you do?

Have you had any luck

with your investigation?

It appears he has a curious

making on his -

if you'll pardon the expression,

Reverend - on his diddler.

Diddler? I don't know what that is.

Well, perhaps a more familiar

word for you would be...

Oh.

- But I fear that won't be of much use to you.

- Why not?

Well, so many folk round

here keep poultry.

I don't mean that kind of co...

This is very difficult.

If I may be permitted to speak?

What he means, Rector,

is that he's got a birthmark on his...

- Ah!

- Now he's got it!

Now I have got it, yes.

But I don't think it's possible

that Jack the woodcutter...

Jack the woodcutter?

He's the only one I know that has a chopper.

What you need, sir, is someone by your

side, to comfort you, share life's burdens.

Warm you, if needs be.

Oh, I don't know, Miss Hoggett.

I do have my warming pan, you know.

Yes, but where would you be

without me to put it in for you?

Eh?

I may be wrong,

but I think she's after a rise.

Out of the way! Out of my way!

Come on, get up there.

Up! Come on, boys!

Without bleeding doubt,

you are the most useless...

( Bong! Bong! )

...that ever drew ( Bong ) breath.

Ooh!

My reputation will be in ruins

if this goes on much longer.

Your reputation was in ruins

in Carry On Behind.

An interesting example of

Roman tessellation.

Tessellation - is name

for what they're doing, huh?

It simply means various Roman

pieces get laid... on cement.

Ooh! Is very uncomfortable

for them, no?

Anyway, tomorrow we are poking

holes all over caravan site with spikes.

I don't think they'll like that at all!

Oh, is all right. We're poking early.

What about that Peeping Tom?

I'd like to know what he...

Don't worry, love. I'll get it.

( Air hisses )

Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

That belongs to me!

- What are you yelling about?

- My ball's burning.

Don't stand so close to the fire.

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