That's Carry On Page #8

Here! You might knock, or something.

I was getting undressed.

Is luxury, undressing on expedition.

When I was in Gobi desert,

we did not undress for ten weeks.

You didn't take your clothes off

for ten weeks?

Well, most of them.

I see.

Professor Crump and I

are living in caravan together.

We have been all over the site, poking.

Don't you think it would be

better if I wrote the report?

Who's expert on Romans - you or I?

You are.

Then will you please continue,

Professor Crump.

First we are finding remains

of Roman paving...

showing pictures of... an erotic nature.

One of the pictures is showing an...

a wenus.

A what?

A wenus.

You must know what a wenus is, no?

Well, it's neither one thing

nor the other, really, is it?

A wenus, Professor Crump,

is the goddess of love.

Oh, you mean Venus!

Is what I am saying. Wenus!

Whoever built this dump should be shot.

There ought to be a

convenience in here!

Ooh, but there are lots of them,

in Carry On At Your Convenience.

You're looking very well this morning,

Mrs Moore.

Thank you, Doctor.

Can I get dressed again now?

Yes, while I put my eyes back in.

- A new suit?

- Yeah. Had a bit of luck on the gee-gees.

- You'll have to give me some tips.

- I've got a good one.

Don't bend over in a tight skirt.

Saucy!

Come on, then, ladies.

Off you come. Careful.

( Women giggle )

- Go on!

- ( Giggling )

You can open your eyes now.

It's all over.

Oh, no, it's not! You haven't seen me

in my most magnificent role.

My public would never forgive me

if they didn't see me putting all I've got

into the Khasi.

Who's the turban job on the throne?

You mean the Khasi.

That's Randy Lal.

Who?

Randy Lal, the Khasi of Kalabar.

Ooh. How do you know he is, then?

How do I know he's what?

Randy.

That's his name!

My father, who are those people?

That, light of my darkness,

is Sir Sidney Ruff Diamond,

the British governor, whose benevolent rule

and wise guidance we could well do without.

Oh, no, you don't. Saty where you are.

I've got you covered.

Oh, just a minute. Covered.

No, no, no, sir. No need for antagonism.

I have a present for you here.

- Oh.

- Very good Indian scimitar.

Can cut men in two with one stroke.

I wonder...

Now we know! Hurr-hurr-ha-ha!

- Ho, ho!

- I do not understand, my father.

What is there to fear from a warrior

who wears nothing underneath his skirt?

Oh, my child, you have not made war!

But think how frightening it would be

to have such a man charging at you

with his skirts flying in the air and

flashing his great big bayonet at you.

Well, thank goodness.

Now we can finish our tiffin.

- Later. I've got something important to do.

- What?

- I've got to go to the Khasi.

- You should have gone before.

The Khasi of Kalabar.

May the benevolence of the god Shivu

bring blessings on your house.

And on yours.

And may his wisdom bring success

in all your undertakings.

And in yours.

And may his radiance light up your life.

And up yours.

Widdle, run!

( Shots ring out )

Close the gates. Come on, inside!

All right, cease fire. Cease fire!

Reporting back, sir. I'm sorry but we

were unable to hold them at the Pass.

Carry on. Take over the defence.

Sir.

Now, gentlemen, this revolt

will have to be suppressed

with the utmost tact and diplomacy.

We'll string up half a dozen of

'em for a start.

I have come to offer you and your

people safe conduct out of Kalabar.

# Waltz #

You, up there! What is this noise?

- Can you see what is happening?

- Yes, they are sitting down to dinner.

- Start the attack!

- Imshi!

Fire!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

That will teach them

to ban turbans on the buses.

( Explosion )

Terrible noise.

Yes. It's shocking, innit?

It's not a first-class orchestra.

They're doing their best.

I must say, the wind seems

to be a little strong tonight.

- You rang, sir?

- Yes, Chindi, you may serve the wine.

Wine? They're all raving mad.

More wine, Mr Belcher?

Chindi, get me some more Margauz.

This one's bit off.

Oh, dear.

I seem to have got a little plastered.

( Fierce gunfire )

( Applause )

( Pop )

Cor blimey!

You frightened the life out of me!

( Explosion )

I wonder if I might pop out, sir,

and see if anything's happening?

But you haven't had your pudding yet.

Oh, and it's strawberry mousse.

Oh. Well, in that case...

- They've broken into the compound, sir.

- That's a dashed bad show!

Perhaps we ought to go out

and have a look, eh, Captain?

- Yes, sir.

- If the ladies'll excuse us.

( Commotion )

Fall back to the Residency, men!

Fall back!

Captain Keene. Your collar's undone.

Oh. Sorry, sir.

I'm afraid we're done for, sir.

There's too many of them.

Not yet. Line the men up down there.

Sir?

- Line them up! Facing the enemy.

- Yes, sir.

Dis... engage!

Form one straight line

facing the enemy!

Stop!

Redi, get the Raj.

Company... kilts... front!

Go on! There are no Devils in

Skirts to frighten you now!

Hands... raise!

ALL:
Aaaah!

Come back! Come back!

There's nothing to be afraid of!

Oh, I don't know, though.

- Sidney, dear, are you all right?

- I'm top-hole, dear.

- I thought we'd have coffee in the lounge.

- Yes, why not?

Oh, dear.

That's all right.

We'll clear it up in the morning.

Oh, come on, Kenny. It's all over.

Oh, no, it's not all over!

That's the trouble with the world today.

They haven't the courage to Carry On

like that brave few up there.

But never fear! There'll always be

ordinary, decent men and women

ready to step in and fill the ranks

and all the other cinemas

throughout this septic isle!

Ah, the far flung Dominions

and the Majestics and the Regals

and the Gaumonts

with their great organs coming up

out of the floor - the mighty Wurlitzers,

not to mention the Granadas

and the Roxys and the lonics

and the raviolis and the saveloys

and the pease pudding.

One empire may have gone,

but another will spring up to take its place.

Nay, twins or even triplets!

And we shall Carry On beyond

these shores

in Thailand in Iceland,

in Hindustan and Pakistan,

in the faeaway Burmese

and the takeaway Chinese.

We shall make them laugh on

the beaches in the Middle East,

in the front stalls and up the back,

and the back stalls, as well.

Yes, for we are that

that precious few,

that happy band that is forever England.

I don't speak for one. I speak for all!

Oh, he does, you know.

He's a terrible bigmouth.

Give us the fools and we will

finish the job!

For in a corner of every foreign field,

we'll leave a little something

that is part of our national heritage.

( Kenneth rants on )

He's quite mad, you know.

But then, we all are.

That'll fix him.

Ta-ta!

And I say unto you that never before,

in all the field of human entertainment,

have so few done so much to so many!

Here, here, Barbara!

Barbara. Barbara!

I can't open the door.

You must let me out.

Let me out!

You must help me.

I have to pee. I want a pee.

I...

Captioned by Grantman Brown

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes