That's My Boy

1

(ROCK OF AGES PLAYING)

All right

l got something to say

Yeah

It's better to burn out

Yeah

Than fade away

All right

Ow

Terrific.

Gonna start a fire

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Come on

What's up, numb-nuts?

Read 'em and weep.

Van Halen at the Centrum.

Third row!

You should take

Jolene, man.

I heard

she got big nipples.

This is

Van freakin' Halen, man.

Get serious.

Besides, I'm just not

into girls anymore.

Dude, I'm into guys, too!

No, no, no, no, no.

That's not what I meant.

I'm into women.

(I WAS MADE FOR

LOVING YOU PLAYING)

Yeah

Hey, Mary.

I got two tickets to

Van Halen this weekend.

What time should I

pick you up?

It is Miss McGarricle, Donny.

And that's cute,

but I am your teacher,

not your girlfriend.

Whoa, Miss McGarricle,

who said anything

about girlfriends?

Let's just start

with a summer fling,

couple of hand jobs,

no expectations.

Don't get all psycho

on me right away.

That is a month's

detention.

What's a hand job?

I don't know,

but I think I want one.

Can I go to

the bathroom?

No. No talking in

detention, Mr. Berger.

All right,

I'm sorry for what I did.

I promise

I won't do it again.

You're in a lot

of trouble, Donny.

Wait, you're not gonna

tell my dad, are you?

He'll kick my ass.

He. . . He's crazy.

What were you

trying to do, anyway?

Impress your friends?

Well, you know,

you're, um. . .

You have

a little crush on me?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) No.

"No." So, you. . .

You don't want me.

No. Yeah.

I. . . I don't know

what I'm supposed to

say right now.

Is that gum

in your mouth, Donny?

Mmm.

You know,

I've been watching you

all year, Donny.

When you hit that shot

to beat Fairfield

and you were

jumping up and down

in your little Larry Bird

short-shorts

and sweating

like a jar of pickles

in the hot sun. . .

(SIGHS) Oh, God.

That was so hot.

Is this really happening?

This is happening.

It's happening

right now.

In my office.

Okay. Awesome.

So, I. . .

I'm totally in.

How do you

want to do it?

'Cause I made sex before,

lots of ways.

So you want to go

straight to hand jobs

or eating me out

or taking me from behind?

I'll teach you.

DONNY:
(VOICE CRACKS)

I'm a virgin.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God !

(AND THE CRADLE

WILL ROCK PLAYING)

Ow

Oh, yeah

You know

Oh

(READING IN HEBREW)

Well, they say

it's kind of frightening

How this younger

generation swings

You know it's more

than just...

Who? Me?

Well, the kid

is into losing sleep

And he don't come home

for half the week

You know it's more than

just an aggravation

And the cradle will rock

Hey, Donny,

what'd you get?

Cradle will rock

And l say rock on

And if I'm elected

eighth grade

class president,

I promise to. . .

MARY:
(GASPING)

You're getting

so good at this!

I promise to do my best

to lower prices at the

school stores and, um. . .

MARY:
All of our practice

is really paying off!

(MARY MOANING)

I like the sound of that.

(MARY MOANING)

(RHYTHMIC BANGING)

Timmy, stop.

Hold on a second.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

My dad's gonna

kick my ass.

(CHEERING)

Calm down !

(WILD CHEERING)

AUDIENCE:
(CHANTING)

Donny! Donny!

Donny! Donny!

Who's the man?

Donny! Donny!

Donny! Donny!

Yeah ! You want some of me?

Who's the man?

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(CAMERAS CLICKING)

JUDGE:

All right, everybody!

(GAVEL BANGING)

Enough !

I am aware that

a lot of people think

that this young man

is not really a victim,

but someone that's living

the ultimate

teenage boy's fantasy.

Absolutely.

(GALLERY MURMURS)

JUDGE:
But. . .

(GAVEL BANGING)

. . .this is

a serious crime.

Mary Beth McGarricle,

rise for sentencing.

(GALLERY GASPS)

(MURMURS)

JUDGE:
The fact that

this relationship

has resulted in

a pregnancy and you show

absolutely no remorse,

saying, and I quote,

"I would f*** that kid

again and again.

"He makes me feel like

there's a rainbow

"coming out

of my beaver. . ."

(GALLERY MURMURS)

. . .leaves me

absolutely no choice

but to levy

the maximum penalty.

Thirty years

in the Massachusetts

Women's Penitentiary.

And furthermore,

the court grants custody

of the unborn child to

Donald Berger's father. . .

Dumb-ass.

. . .until Donald turns 1 8,

at which time

he will assume

full custody.

(GALLERY MURMURS)

Take care of

our baby, Donny!

Miss McGarricle!

I'll never stop

loving you !

That is just

f***ing mental.

(LlMELlGHT PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Living on a lighted stage

Approaches the unreal

For those who think

and feel

ln touch with some reality

(BABY COOS)

Beyond the gilded cage

The kid is young,

he's attractive,

he can probably keep

a hard-on longer than

this f***ing guy.

Cast in

this unlikely role

lll-equipped to act

With insufficient tact

One must put up barriers

Made you flinch,

pansy.

Go ahead!

l don't need you!

l'm Donny freakin' Berger!

l'm wicked famous

and l got a wicked

big schlong!

RADIO DJ 1 :

Hey, here's something.

Donny Berger's

back in the news.

RADIO DJ 2:
That kid who

got his teacher pregnant?

Exactly.

Oh, I Iove that guy.

Seems Iike he bought

a round last night.

Okay.

For everybody

in Boston Garden.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God,

he's my hero.

That kid is burning

through that money,

but he's having

a good time doing it.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(OVER CAR STEREO)

The underlying theme

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

DONNY:

So, guy, how'd we do?

What them f***ers

at the IRS say?

Well, they said

a lot of stuff.

The thing that

really jumped out

was "three years in prison."

Three years?

Yeah, you haven't paid taxes

since '94, Donny.

What. . . I thought they were

taking it out automatically!

I told them

that's what you thought,

and they said

it's the stupidest thing

they ever heard.

But there is

some good news.

If you can pay

the balance off by

the end of the weekend,

they'll suspend

the sentence.

Oh, okay, there you go.

What are we talking about?

Hit me.

43,000.

43 grand?

No!

Come on, Donny!

Don't screw up

my Tom Brady poster.

It's my favorite one.

Look at that jawline.

Just the right amount

of scruff.

I'm sorry!

I'm just freaking out here!

I don't got 43 grand !

Well, look,

hey, good news.

Monday's Memorial Day,

so you don't need

to get the money

till Tuesday.

All right. That'll

give me time to sell

my diamond Lamborghini !

Hey, hey, hey!

You're killing me, man !

Don't mess

with the genius.

Jimmy, I got $28 to my name.

28, huh? Okay.

I got a hot tip

on a long shot that

just might come in.

What is it, a horse?

No.

This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy.

Fat guy?

Gonna run the marathon.

Odds on him winning

are 8,000-to-1 .

But this cat's

got wheels on him.

I think he's gonna win,

I really do.

All right, I'll put 20

on the fat f***,

but I can't

count on that.

It's a long shot,

you said it yourself.

But what about your kid?

Maybe he can come up

with the dough.

We don't talk no more.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes