That's My Boy Page #2

He kind of moved out

when he turned 1 8,

and, uh, that's

the last I seen of him.

What happened?

I don't know.

I loved that

little Han Solo

more than anything

in the world, too.

You named your kid

Han Solo?

Yes, sir.

Han Solo Berger?

Coolest name

in the world, right?

Why don't you

just Facebook him?

I can't afford that sh*t.

What am I, a billionaire?

I don't think he wants

to be found, anyways.

Especially by me.

Hey, look! It's us!

(SHRIEKING)

On the cover!

Don't we look great?

Yeah, well,

you look good.

I kind of look like

a ventriloquist.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know, it's still

kind of weird, right?

I mean, it's got our

faces and our names.

It just seems like

anyone could find us.

"Find us?" Honey,

did you take

your Xanax today?

Yeah, two.

I always double down

when your parents

are in town.

Do you have

your security undies?

Yep, right here.

Good.

I know that makes

you feel better.

There's stranger things

than walking around

with an extra

pair of underwear

for emergencies.

Look, just this once,

don't be so weird.

We're gonna have

the best wedding ever.

Okay.

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

DONNY:
HoIy sh*t.

What the hell happened

to my Iife, ChampaIe?

Don, honey, no way to come

up with that money, huh?

No. The only thing

I'm good at is

being Donny Berger,

and no one wants to

pay for that anymore.

Aw, Donny.

Wow!

My face is your toilet!

Show some f***ing respect

over there, Kenny.

Hey, whoa.

Hey, Mom, did you want

some breakfast after

you finish your dance?

Give it to me now, honey.

Donny doesn't mind,

do you, Donny?

Holy cow,

that's my son !

Who, Han Solo?

I thought you said

he was a fatty.

No, no, no.

He must have lost

the weight or something,

'cause I swear to God,

that's my boy.

It says,

"Todd Peterson to wed

Jamie Martin this Sunday

"at All Saints Church

on Cape Cod."

Todd Peterson?

He changed his name!

Why?

What was wrong

with Han Solo Berger?

It's the coolest f***ing

name of all time.

"Peterson is

one of the youngest

"large-cap hedge fund

managers in

the financial industry."

Oh, he got rich

on us, huh?

"All the more impressive

considering he was orphaned

"at age nine

when both his parents

"died in

a horrific explosion."

He f***ing blew me up

and his mother?

Donny, maybe your son could

help you, financially.

I don't know.

This kid changed his name.

He doesn't even want

to be a Berger anymore.

He's not gonna

want to talk to me.

That was the incomparable

ChampaIe.

(APPLAUSE)

And now, looking hot

and ignoring

doctor's orders,

let's welcome Amber.

(WOLF WHISTLES)

What the f***

happened to her?

F*** you, Kenny!

Hey, what's up,

RoboCop?

GERALD:
This is

where your boss lives?

TODD:
Oh, uh, it's actually

just his summer home.

GERALD:
Summer home.

What a dick.

JAMIE:
Dad !

Oh, my goodness.

Todd, it's just

breathtaking !

(LAUGHS) Hey!

There he is.

Hey, Mr. Spirou.

There's my golden boy.

(LAUGHS)

Come over here, champ.

Come on,

get over here.

Oh, oh.

Hi. Yeah.

Oh, look at you.

Look at you,

the lovely bride.

What a couple!

Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing

that you're letting us

all stay here.

Seriously,

thank you so much.

Steve, these are

my parents,

Gerald and Helen.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Hi.

Your daughter's

a sweetheart.

You can tell

she likes Todd for Todd,

not because

he's gonna be rich.

I wouldn't want

my boy to end up

with some gold digger

like the last three whores

I married, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

True story.

All three? Whores.

(CHUCKLES)

Huh.

Well, guys, this weekend,

mi casa es su casa.

You know, every member

of my staff are lucky

to be in this country,

so feel free to abuse

the sh*t out of 'em.

(LAUGHS)

Go get the f***ing bags!

Well, Mrs. Spirou,

I've always said that

if the finance game

was an amusement park,

your son would be

a roller coaster,

and I would just

ride him all day long.

(CHUCKLES)

That came out weird.

Yeah, well,

Stevie likes to think

that he's the star

of the family.

But before he was born,

I modeled a bathing suit

for a Woolworth

advertisement.

Well, you still have

quite a figure on you

there, Delores.

Yeah, I can see

where Steve got

his rocking bod.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, why, thank you.

JAMIE:
Oh !

Chad's here!

Oh, my God.

Oh, hooray.

TODD:
Fantastic.

(JAMIE CHUCKLES)

I. . . I guess they

didn't want to see it.

Yay, Chad !

(LAUGHS)

Come here.

Mom.

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm home.

Dad, how are you, sir?

You look great.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Chad, I'm Todd.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God,

I missed you, sis.

That's a good hug.

(CHUCKLES)

Chad, this is

my fiance, Todd.

Pleasure to meet you,

Chadwick.

Are you a soldier?

Uh, no.

Sailor?

No.

Airman?

No.

Girl Scout?

No.

Well, then I'd prefer

if you take your fingers

away from your forehead

and you shake my hand

like the civilian

you are.

Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid.

I don't know why I did that.

Honest mistake. Come here,

I want to show you this.

(CHUCKLING) Look,

if you ever do anything

to hurt my sister, I will

take my government-issued

service revolver,

stick it straight up

your fuppin' poop chute,

and empty the clip.

Do you feel me?

Yes, I totally feel you. . .

Dawg.

(CHUCKLES)

Randy Jackson, right?

I've got 1 0 ways

to kill you with my

bare hands right now.

(CHUCKLES) Don't.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't.

Hi, sweetheart,

how are you?

Can I see Randall Morgan

possibly?

Yeah, you're gonna

need an appointment.

I knew you were

gonna say that.

Uh, but you know what?

Tell him Donny Berger's

out here.

He'll be pretty psyched

to see an old friend.

You know what? Mr. Morgan's

on vacation right now.

I'm sorry.

He's on vacation?

That son of a. . .

Oh, hey!

Vanilla Ice.

Randall's just

getting makeup.

Go ahead to the green room.

Vanilla, what's up, guy?

It's been a long time.

Uh, how you been?

Are you seriously giving me

the silent treatment still?

You know

that hurts me.

Yeah? Well, that's why

I'm giving it to you.

How's it feel, chump?

It's breaking my heart.

We were friends

for 20 years, guy.

We were friends

until you banged

my mother!

I didn't know it was her,

I swear to God !

It's not like her

last name is Ice.

You should've known

by the haircut!

Aw, come on,

Vanilla Bean Latte.

Will you just. . .

What?

I'm just saying,

I'm in big trouble, guy.

This, like,

monetary thing.

I, uh. . . I'm going to

prison if I don't

get 43 large, so. . .

What, do you think

I got that kind of money?

Of course you got

that kind of money.

Royalties from Ice Ice Baby,

you must be f***ing loaded !

Man, listen,

Queen took 50%.

Suge took the other 60%.

I f***ing owe money when

that sh*t gets played, man !

Dude, come on,

will you please stop,

collaborate and listen?

Oh, here. . .

What? No, I love that song.

You know that sh*t.

I was on top of that,

f***ing day one.

Listen, man.

I work at a ice rink now.

I deep-fry

chicken nuggets, man.

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