That's My Boy Page #3

I'll get you a deal on

a barbecue sauce packet.

F***ing A, buddy.

Both of us.

This sucks.

Broke. Who'd have thought

this would happen to us?

Maybe I should

call your mother.

She'll give me the money,

I know that.

What?

What? What?

What?

(PEOPLE GASP)

(GROANING)

Hey, dude.

Didn't spill my beer,

f***er.

(LAUGHS)

F*** you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

Nobody comes in here

and starts busting up

my joint

unless I got

cameras rolling.

Look, Donny,

nobody remembers

what Tiger Woods did,

let alone something

that happened 25 years ago.

Oh, I'm telling you,

when I walk down

the street,

people are like,

"There's that guy!"

I'm still

f***ing big, dude.

All right,

how about this?

I'm doing a show

on '80s train wrecks.

Maybe I slip you in

after that Milli Vanilli

guy, all right?

Who, Fab? He's a f***ing

buddy of mine.

Yeah.

That would be huge, dude.

How much money?

Um. . . Maybe 400 bucks.

400 bucks?

Dude, I need 43 G-birds.

What are we talking

about right now?

RANDALL:
(LAUGHING)

You need $43,000?

Are you back on drugs?

Yeah.

It's never. . .

This is never going

to happen. Never.

Little bit more blush

if you can.

Just like you did that, uh,

John Wayne Bobbitt in

his penis reunion show.

That's actually

a good idea, a reunion.

Me and Miss McGarricle,

together again,

live from

a women's prison.

A women's prison.

Very sexy.

Mmm-hmm.

We could shoot it

this weekend.

You could give me

the money.

Very sexy.

You know,

you could eat that ass

after I leave the room,

but I need

an answer right now.

What do you think?

What about your kid?

My kid?

What about my kid?

He. . . He's got to be

a walking Gong Show.

No. What are you

talking about?

He's doing great.

He's, like, a hot sh*t now.

He's getting married

down at the Cape

this weekend.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

"Horny teacher baby

makes good."

(SNIFFS)

Smell that?

Smell it, Donny?

What? That's not me.

She probably

cut the cheese.

No, no, no.

No, ratings.

(SNIFFS)

I smell ratings.

My kid is very

publicity-shy, so I. . .

You know, to be honest,

I don't think he'd do

a piece of sh*t show

like this.

All right,

here's the deal.

You get yourself

and your actual kid

up to the women's

prison this weekend,

I will shoot it,

I will give you

50 grand in cash.

'Cause I'm going to

guess, Donny,

you want to be

visiting a prison,

not living in one.

So, Todd, how

does one get into

the hedgehog

business anyway?

Oh, it's actually

hedge funds.

You think you're

better than me?

No.

JAMIE:
Chad,

did you know

that Todd is really

great with numbers?

You got to see this.

Oh, Jamie, no.

Don't make. . .

What's 452 times 77?

Beep boop beep.

84,304.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, he could just be

making that up.

No, he's not!

Ooh. There's a calculator

on my cell phone.

Okay.

What is 94. . .

times 31 2, Todd?

Beep boop boop boop beep.

29,328, Helen.

Freaky.

I don't know.

It's just something

I can do.

Are you sure you're

not a Chinaman?

TODD:
Oh,

that's inappropriate.

White whore.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

JAMIE:
Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, my God.

You must be Jamie.

You're, like, even hotter

than you looked in the paper.

(LAUGHS)

Look at your hair

blowing in the wind

like Tawny Kitaen

when she was f***ing

dry-humping that car.

Okay.

And you must be. . .

Donny.

What's the matter?

Chubby never even

mentioned me?

Chubby?

Oh, I mean. . .

(MOCKING)

Todd Peterson.

Why do you

say it like that?

It just comes out

that way.

Where are

my manners, right?

Could you hold that?

Take a chug if you'd like.

I got you a f***ing

great gift.

Here it is.

I'll take the brew back.

Just, you got to read it,

though. It's f***ing. . .

Yeah !

(LAUGHS)

I don't know where they

come up with this sh*t,

but it's pretty

f***ing funny.

Spencer's Gifts

never f***ing fails me.

I want to meet Mr. Spencer

one day and say,

"Thanks, motherf***er,

for all the laughs."

Hey, I also made you

a mix tape.

Who the f*** is rich

in this house?

Jeezum, it's huge.

Uh, Todd,

your old man is here?

Wassup!

Oh !

(GASPS)

Helen, oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's. . .

Uh, let me just

get that for you.

Uh, uh,

that's, uh. . .

What? No.

Oh, sorry,

those are yours. I. . .

Donny, what. . .

what the f***, man?

Sorry.

Uh, what. . .

what are you

doing here?

What do you mean?

I thought you said

your parents were dead.

Um, no, they are. . .

super dead.

He's hilarious.

(LAUGHS)

My old man.

My old man. . . friend.

From. . .

Wassup!

Right?

Well, aren't you

going to introduce us?

No.

Yes.

Yes. Here we go.

Uh, this is, uh,

my future father-in-law,

Gerald,

and his

lovely wife, Helen.

And Jamie's brother, Chad.

Hey-o!

Do not. . . That's. . .

(LAUGHTER)

What?

I like the look of this.

Who's this?

Okay. This is my boss

Steve's mother, Delores,

who's awake now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

that's where you

get all the looks from,

huh, sweetie?

Yeah, no,

we're not related.

Oh, yeah?

Well, she wishes,

'cause you got

the f***ing. . .

you're stacked

pretty good.

Mmm.

Anyhow, Jame,

this is my old friend,

Donny.

Your best friend.

I'm his best friend.

Mmm.

Your best friend.

Uh, yeah, no.

Remember I told you

we met, uh. . .

Where'd we meet?

Um, we met. . .

Where?

Come on.

Uh, it's coming to me.

I saved his life.

Oh.

Well, more metaphorically.

No, no, no, no, no.

Here's what happened.

It was, like,

one of them, uh,

train track kind of deals.

My man over here,

I see him,

he drops his burrito

on the tracks.

I'm like, "All right,

that happens."

Next thing you know,

homeboy leaps down there,

and he tries

to retrieve the burrito.

Okay? I see a train

whizzing at him.

I'm like,

"This guy's about to die,

and he don't know it."

I f***ing leap

down there myself,

right,

and I give him

a little shove

on the heinie.

"Get out of the way, buddy!"

Next thing you know,

I realize

this thing's

going to hit me.

I f***ing remember,

though,

I had a kung fu instructor

who taught me

how to tighten

the diaphragm,

and I bring it in there.

And I feel the train go by.

My eyes are closed.

Rips my shirt

off my body, okay?

I open my eyes.

I see all these chicks

just kind of looking at me,

going, "What is that?

"That's the f***ing

most chiseled guy

I've ever seen."

I worked out at the time.

Anyways, the place

goes bananas for me,

I sign a couple of titties,

and I started hanging out

with this guy ever since.

Best friends, right?

Here you go, my boy.

I just can't believe

I've never heard

that story before.

Why wouldn't you just get

another burrito, Todd?

Uh, wouldn't it

be dirty?

Great questions.

Uh, it's one of

the many things

about this story

that's pretty hard

to believe.

So, uh, where are you

staying, Donny?

Oh, he's not staying.

No.

I can't stay.

Yeah, no, he's right.

Oh, pshaw.

I mean, invite him

to stay here.

You have to stay.

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