That's My Boy Page #4

He's your best friend.

You're his best friend.

Sheesh, I'm not

messing with her.

I mean, you are my

best friend, guy.

And, Jamie, you can be

my breast friend.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh.

Breast, with an "R."

With an "R."

Oh ! Ooh !

By the way, dude,

you look fantastic.

You lost all the weight,

homeboy.

I miss the titties.

You saved my life?

Seriously?

What?

They ate that up.

You came up

with a whole lot

of nothing.

That's a nice suitcase,

by the way.

What is that,

Louis Vuitton?

This is a Hefty bag.

What the f***

are you talking about?

What do you want, Donny?

Money?

You heard I was doing well,

so you came looking

for a handout?

I don't want

none of your money.

How is that? Okay?

I get it.

You don't like me.

I exploded.

I wish you had exploded.

That way,

I wouldn't have to see

your stupid face anymore!

Did you happen to notice

I created a whole fake life

just so I could get away

from you?

Your mother's sick,

by the way.

(SIGHS)

I don't believe you.

They don't know

how long she's got.

What is that, nunchuks?

I told her you would

visit her up at the prison.

I'm kind of thinking

you're the kind of guy

who would pull through

for Mumsie.

Know what I'm saying?

She'd do the same for you.

Really?

Yeah.

Saturday's the last

visiting day

before the big surgery,

so. . .

So let me

get this straight.

You want me to go

visit my "sick mom"

that I haven't talked to

in years, in prison,

the day before my wedding.

Correct.

Not happening, a**hole.

What the f***

did I do to you

to make you

hate me so much?

I am f***ing baffled

right now.

Well, maybe you

don't remember,

but you were basically

the worst parent ever.

Me? I did everything

for you, buddy,

and I never gave you

an ounce of sh*t

about nothing.

You never

gave me nothing.

I gave you a snake.

Yeah, and then it died

after it ate

all your Quaaludes.

That was the only time

anybody's ever seen

a king cobra laugh.

And I take pride in that,

so f*** you.

Yeah, great.

You know what?

I basically had

to raise myself, Donny.

I never learned

how to swim.

I don't even know

how to ride a bike.

You know how f***ing

humiliating that is?

What about Mr. Mitty?

Remember him?

What? No. What's that?

Mr. Mitty. I used to put

an oven mitt on my hand.

He would cheer you up

all the time

when you were sad.

"Don't be upset,

young man.

"I'm your best friend.

"Even though

I'm an oven mitt."

No, I don't

remember that,

okay?

You know what

I do remember?

You making me

drive you home

from the beach

'cause you got

too drunk.

It makes sense to me.

When somebody's hammered,

they have another guy

drive home.

I was eight!

Well, you looked 1 4

'cause you were such

a huge fat f***.

I'm sorry.

Oh, you are

such an a**hole.

Dude, you're

a millionaire now,

and you're marrying

that hot chick.

I must have done

a pretty decent job

as a dad, don't you think?

Oh, yeah?

You want to check in on

your pretty decent job?

DONNY:

Oh, my God.

You're a junkie?

Who's your supplier?

'Cause I'll smack

that motherf***er around.

It's insulin, you dick.

I'm a diabetic

'cause you let me eat

cake and lollipops

for breakfast every day.

But that's what

you f***ing asked for.

Yeah, you're

supposed to say no.

You know,

I weighed 400 pounds

by the time I was 1 2.

You know how hard it was

to take that weight off?

All right, all right.

I. . . I didn't know

what I was doing.

I had no one helping me.

Grandpa was a psycho.

You know that.

Han Solo,

don't be like this.

I'm a good person.

Okay, don't call me

that, all right?

My name's Todd now.

Call yourself Han Solo.

You're dressed like him.

Good one.

I'm just saying, buddy,

give me a chance.

Do you have

any Axe body spray?

No, Donny, I don't have

any Axe body spray.

Because I'm not

a f***ing douche bag.

That's a douche bag thing?

When did that become

a douche bag thing?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

JAMIE:
Todd,

the guests are arriving.

Let's go!

All right, can you

lighten up a little bit?

We got a party to attend.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Good person, how about

you put on a tie, okay?

It's a cocktail party,

not a Quiznos opening.

What?

I haven't worn a tie

since my mother's funeral

when I was three.

I'm not going to

start that up again.

That's great.

Put on a tie.

No.

Put on a tie!

I'll never sell out.

I'll give you 1 00 bucks.

Where's the tie?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at this.

Jamie is going to

have it all.

(SIGHS)

TODD:
Oh, by the way,

Mr. Spirou,

I read the OPEC report,

and I was thinking,

if we hedge

our position on oil,

we could really, um. . .

(TODD SIGHS)

Uh, if we were to short

the euro, we could. . .

Oh, come on, Todd.

This is your

wedding weekend.

You are marrying

a real workaholic.

You do know that.

Yeah, but isn't

that what you want

in a partner?

Oh, she's good, this one.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, she's good.

All right, all right.

Uh, I haven't made

that decision yet,

but I love this kid.

You lost your dad

in that explosion,

and. . .

and I lost my son.

I thought your son

was a ski instructor

in Vail.

He's a pot-smoking bum !

Not like you, Todd.

Oh, no.

You're the type of boy

a father can be proud of.

Yeah, we'll never know,

will we?

Who's that?

Oh, I'm not here.

That's, uh, Donny.

Donny, come on.

Say hi to everyone.

Oh, God, hang on.

Let me swing these free.

Glad all the children

saw that.

JAMIE:

Uh, Donny,

this is Steve Spirou,

Todd's boss.

Wassup!

Is that back?

Because I've been dying

for that to come back.

Wassup!

Yeah !

That's my boy!

Look at him !

He ain't a tight-ass.

Wassup!

(LAUGHING)

Wassup!

Wassup!

Wassup!

(LAUGHING)

What's up?

Boo!

That was terrible, Todd.

So, I see the. . .

the train coming,

and something

kind of like takes

over me, you know?

Here you go, Abigail.

Thank you.

And so, I decide to jump

off the platform, right?

Snaps my legs in two.

(LADIES GASPING)

What did I expect?

It was a 25-foot drop,

you know?

25 feet?

So I grab Burrito Bandito

over here,

and I just roll him

out of the way.

The train missed

our skulls by inches.

Why would you do

something like

that, Todd?

You know, I really

don't know, Steve.

I mean, why wouldn't you

just buy another burrito?

Yeah, no, I know.

I, uh. . .

I don't know what I

could have been thinking.

Maybe he was high

on the hashish.

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

Hey, how about I

get you another beer,

huh, Donny Boy?

20's my limit.

No! No, no.

But, uh, Donny Boy

has got to go to

bed, though, right?

ALL:
Aw.

Yeah, oh, fiddlesnatch.

It's the afternoon.

Remember you told me

you wanted to

get to bed early?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Todd's right.

MAN:
Oh, my God.

You're right, it is him.

You're Donny Berger.

It's him.

Do you remember

that kid who got

his teacher pregnant

in Somerville?

Wait a minute,

that is you.

Donny Berger.

Didn't you and

your teacher have a kid?

Wait a minute.

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