That's My Boy Page #5

What was his name?

Indiana Jones, huh?

It was something

fantastic like that.

Yeah, Han Solo Berger.

Yeah, Han Solo,

Han Solo. What ever

happened to him?

Uh, what happened to him?

He, uh, actually

became a dick.

A private eye, I mean.

Ah.

One of the biggest

and hairiest d*cks

in the world.

Okay.

Hey, look,

this might seem weird,

but do you think

you would ever. . .

Bone your wife?

Yeah, I mean,

I'd love to.

She's a hot little number.

Well, you know,

I was just

going to ask you

for an autograph,

but. . .

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

On her tits or. . .

Or a piece of paper

would be fine.

Yeah, or a photo.

Okay, well,

this has been fun.

But, Donny. . .

Uh, not to toot

my own horn,

but I got

kind of close once.

Uh, Mrs. Weiss,

freshman geometry.

And I think she

would have done it, too.

I just. . .

I just didn't know

how to make the move.

You know what?

I would have killed

to bang my eighth grade

biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn.

I used to dream of. . .

of dissecting her

with my penis.

(LAUGHING)

It's so weird

what goes on upstairs

when you hit puberty.

I actually stole

my middle school

librarian's glasses

to wear while

I masturbated.

(ALL GASPING)

What is that about?

In my day,

when I got into trouble,

the headmaster would

slap your hand

with his dick.

She wins.

You know,

Todd was working

at the cubicle

next to mine one year,

1 2 weeks and one day ago

when he met a pretty girl

at the gym named Jamie.

How many days

is that, Todd?

Computing, Steve.

Beep boop beep boop beep.

451 .

Ooh.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

It's actually 450.

Oh, battle of the brainiacs!

Yeah, this guy forgot

about leap year, I guess.

(LAUGHTER)

WOMAN:

He's smarter than Todd !

Okay, we're talking

a lot about numbers,

but let's get back to love.

What's the matter,

hot stuff?

Where do you think

you get it from?

Your mother was

a math teacher,

and I was pretty much

a whiz kid myself.

The ability to make a bong

out of a Taco Bell cup

doesn't make you

a whiz kid, Donny.

Leap year, motherf***er.

I think it's kind of

a magical moment.

You know,

Todd's oldest friend, Donny,

miraculously appearing

like this.

What?

So I am graciously

going to step aside

and allow Donny

to take over

as the best man.

Give it up for Donny!

Oh, no, no, no.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Phil, you don't

have to do that.

No music.

No, no, no, no.

Kill the music.

Phil, Phil, you. . .

that's so nice of you,

but you don't have to

do that.

Oh, I don't mind.

You two are very close.

We are.

We are very close,

but you and I

are close, too.

Well, we work together,

but I wouldn't call us close.

I mean, I was actually

kind of surprised

when you asked me

to be your best man.

Made me feel

a little sorry for you.

(LAUGHTER)

That's true.

He had no idea

who he was.

Ah, no. . .

I accept. I do.

I love it.

It's an honor.

MAN:
Way to go, Donny!

DONNY:
Are you kidding me?

You got Fenway Park

in your backyard?

Oh, I had that built

when my son started

Little League.

He never used it.

The little douche bag

just sat in his room

listening to reggae.

Well, let's lose these ties

and hit some dingers.

What do you say?

Come on !

(EXCITED CHATTER)

No, no, no.

Please, don't let

this be happening.

Don't let this

be happening, please.

(PANTING)

No sports.

All right, guys,

let's see what

we got out there.

Please don't hit it to me.

Please don't hit it to me.

Please don't hit it to me.

(CHEERING)

DONNY:
Get under it, kid.

WOMAN:
Yeah !

Oh.

Moron.

Here we go!

Taking down two there!

All right, Gerald, kid !

Here we go, guy!

Stay on it!

Oh, my God !

Grandma, what's up, honey?

Are you awake, sweetheart?

Here we go.

Get under it!

Get dirty!

What the f***?

Got it.

Nice catch, Mama!

Let's let Todd-o

get this one, huh?

Oh, no, that's okay.

Todd, come on !

No, no. Uh, hit one

to that two-year-old.

He hasn't gotten one yet.

Here you go, big man.

What?

Quit showing off

for the girls, buddy.

They're mine.

(DONNY LAUGHING)

Come on, now.

You got it.

You got it.

ALL:
Oh !

(LAUGHING)

Okay, Todd,

you all set, buddy?

Don't hit it to me.

Coming to you, homie.

(GROANS)

ALL:
Oh !

(THUDDING)

Holy sh*t.

(WHEEZING)

Oh, my God.

Are you all right, guy?

(GROANING)

Come on.

You're fine.

Throw it in there, guy.

I think the ball's broken.

Throw it in, Todd.

Todd,

throw the ball.

Come on, Todd !

Throw it,

you big vagina.

Do it.

DONNY:
Todd, we want

to keep playing, buddy.

We need a ball, kid.

PHIL:
Just throw it.

JAMIE:
Such a p*ssy.

WOMAN:
Oh !

DONNY:

Oh ! On a rope!

Holy f***!

ANNOUNCER ON TV:

We now return to

The Donny Berger Story,

starring lan Ziering.

DONNY:
(ON PHONE) Yo!

Donny.

I'm in a Jacuzzi.

Hang on one sec.

GIRLS:
Yeah.

F***ing. . . Here.

Who'll take the cigar?

Oh, no.

Donny.

Keep that lit for me.

Take my f***ing shades.

Wear them if you want.

Yeah !

All right.

So, hang on.

GIRL 1 :

I want to wear them.

I'll be back.

GIRL 2:
Oh.

(GIRLS GASPING)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

DONNY:
All right.

My goodness!

Yeah, what's going on?

Guess what's on TV?

Hey, there, little buddy.

l'm Mr. Mitty.

l will always love you.

What is that,

The Donny Berger Story?

CHAMPALE:
HeII, yeah.

Don't you get money

every time

that sh*t is shown?

This could be your

"get out of jail free" card.

Last check I got for that

was 85 cents.

Is Han Solo gonna do

the show at the women's

prison with you?

You know, I haven't

discussed any particulars

with him yet.

I am actually just trying

to be a dad right now.

You're gonna go

to prison on Tuesday.

You have got to get

that money somehow.

Kenny, what the f***?

I thought this was

a bathroom !

F*** you !

Honk!

Oh, nobody squeezes

my titty

for free, honey!

Okay, good luck

with that.

JAMIE:
God,

you're such an idiot!

Todd, you already

messed up my flowers!

TODD:
I'm sorry.

Just get the cake!

No walnuts!

No f***ing excuses!

I love you !

Do you love me?

(JAMIE GROANS)

What?

(SHOWER RUNNING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

"You screwed up my cake!

"You screwed up my cake!"

(CHUCKLES)

TODD:
What?

It's me, it's me.

Can I come in?

Yeah, sure.

What's up, buddy?

What was she yelling at?

What'd you do wrong?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, she's just stressed out

'cause of the wedding.

Oh, really?

You sure she's

not stressed out

about maybe

sex or something?

Have you,

have you been

going down on her?

What?

No, I'm just saying,

a lot of times

girls I've met

over the years,

when they've been

ragging on me and

yelling at me and sh*t,

if I kiss their pussies

they kind of go,

"Ah, you're right,

you're a good guy."

Yeah, that's personal, Donny.

Yeah, no, no.

You know her better

than me, fine.

Mmm. So, uh. . .

You wear a bathing suit

in the shower?

You know that's

f***ing nuts, right?

Are you serious?

I can't even

take my shirt off

in front of other people

because of you.

Because of me.

What did I do this time?

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