That's My Boy Page #6

Oh, let me jog your memory.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

The New Kids

on the Block!

Holy sh*t!

Their heads are

all warped now!

Oh, my God !

Yeah, it's 'cause I got it

when I was in third grade.

My body grew.

I'm sorry.

It's fine, it's fine.

Let me see it again.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

You got a back tattoo

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

Their heads are

f***ing warped

You suck.

Come on, dude.

Why you getting

so serious?

I still got the tattoo

I got when I was,

when I was a teenager,

and I'm fine with it,

you know.

"De plane!

"De plane!

De plane!"

Yeah, I remember it.

I still don't know

who that is.

It's f***ing. . .

"De plane, de plane" guy

from Fantasy lsland.

Tattoo.

I got a tattoo of Tattoo.

I thought that was funny.

Well, it's not.

Lighten up, dude.

Come on.

"De plane!"

Don't. Donny, don't.

I'm serious.

"De plane!"

No.

You're still ticklish.

No, I'm not ticklish !

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Come on, now!

Oh, the tickle monster.

Oh, I tickle you like that.

No.

Stop! No, stop it!

Watch yourself.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Stop it! Stop it, no!

Give me that, Hansie.

Why is your dick

in my face?

And why is it

kind of hard?

What are you

two homos doing?

Just rasslin'.

All right.

'Cause you're looking

at an all-state

f***ing wrestling champion,

and I got the winner.

Okay. Well, he won.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

You won.

What? No, I didn't.

You're gonna

love it, buddy.

Wrestle him.

Yeah, Chad.

No, no.

It's actually

a funny story.

We were having

a tickle fight.

We weren't

wrestling at all.

I was losing,

admittedly.

DONNY:

Aw, God, I got to

start doing some

crunches or something.

Look at this.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Oh, you don't like him?

Oh, we don't like you.

(CHUCKLES)

He's talking to

his dick, buddy.

(GRUNTS)

Now he's hitting it.

(GRUNTS)

No! Why?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh ! You got to

puff that f***er up!

Oh, what? No.

You don't have to

puff that f***er up.

Let's do this.

Chad, I'm sure

you're very athletic. . .

Okay!

Okay!

I tap out.

You win, you win.

I tap out.

Do you like

f***ing my sister, Todd?

I mean, do you like

sticking your dirty

booger fingers in her?

(BACK CRACKS)

Whoa, what was that?

Let's all just

keep our heads, okay?

We've all been drinking

a lot tonight.

I'm gonna

skull-f*** you. . .

(BOTTLE CLANKS)

And that is

the end of that.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

What, you're mad at me?

How am I the f***ing

bad guy right now?

Oh, you're gonna

f***ing give me sh*t

with that tattoo

on your back?

(LAUGHS)

Look at that stupid

f***ing thing.

Good buddy,

he'll be fine.

Yeah, so we got Chad

all tucked in,

safe and sound.

JAMIE:
I never

heard of him

passing out drunk before.

Yeah, it was crazy.

It was like,

one second,

he was with us,

totally awake.

Next thing you know,

he's face down,

birds a-chirpin'.

What do you think?

(CHUCKLES)

You look amazing.

Oh, wait!

Isn't it bad luck for me

to see the dress

before the wedding,

though?

This is a $1 2,000

Vera Wang dress.

I'm gonna wear it

whenever I want.

You'd look hot

in a $1 2 Wang Chung dress.

That sounds like

a line Donny would say.

Yeah, except he'd say,

"You'd look friggin' hot

in a Wang Dang

Sweet Poontang dress."

Just think he's, like,

trailer park-y or something,

you know?

Yeah.

That's probably why

his son ran off.

His what? What? Who?

His son about. . .

What'd he say?

What did you hear?

Did he say something?

Just look at the first page

of that book he's been

handing out to everyone.

He has? What? No.

Head in the Class?

He said, it's like

Head of the Class,

only with blow jobs.

It's gross.

Yeah, it's gross.

Blow jobs are gross.

We don't do those.

"Dear Jamie,

I know you'll make

Todd very happy

"if you bleach

your little brown eye."

Oh, no, not this part.

Wow, that's sad.

(SIGHS)

That weirdly got me.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know why it got me,

but it just got me.

(SIGHS)

Can I get a hug

right now, or. . .

No, no, no, no!

We can't

wrinkle the dress.

Hey, if you don't want

to wrinkle the dress,

may I suggest

we just remove it?

Did you take two Xanax?

I actually took

three Xanax.

And you know

that the Xanax makes me

"H" to the "O" to the "R"

To the "N" to the "Y"

So horny for my fiancee

No!

Down.

I don't want to have sex

with my family in the house.

No, I know.

I don't want to have sex

with your family, either.

In the house.

Came out weird.

Possibly my last night of

spanking the hell out of it

without having a roommate

watching me, so. . .

What do we got

to work with here?

Rich people magazines.

Eh, let's see what we got.

If I hadn't partied

with her husband

so many times,

I would.

But it's disrespectful

to him.

I don't know.

Hello.

Jeezum crow,

you really were a model,

weren't you, Grandma?

Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth

really, really knew

how to pick them,

didn't he?

I love that

old-time bathing suit.

I could take you

to the speakeasy,

and we could,

we could do

the naked Charleston.

I have to ship out in the

morning to fight the Nazis,

so you better give me

something to remember.

(CHUCKLES)

What's that?

Oh, my God.

Old lady Grandma wants to

get in on the action, too.

Should we let her?

I think we should.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God.

(MOANS)

Why do I like her better

right now?

Oh, you bad. . .

(GROANS)

What have you done to me?

What have you done to me?

(LAUGHS)

We got to go for round two,

but give me

a little bit of time.

Give me

a little bit of time.

Oh, lovely.

Just lovely.

Oh, goodness.

Oh, my word.

TODD:
Best man,

wedding rehearsal

in an hour.

There's

so many tissues.

Oh. . .

Oh, oh !

Oh, God. You know, don't

touch those, okay?

Let's. . .

(GROANS) Okay.

I'm gonna just

clean that up.

Yeah, Donny's sick.

You don't want to

touch these

'cause you'll get sick.

He's got post-nasal drip,

so. . .

(GRUNTING)

(SOBBING)

(RETCHES)

The tissue's

stuck to my picture.

Here, let me.

Yuck! (GROANS)

I'll grab that from you.

I got it.

Oh, look at that!

There's a little

tissue beard there.

No, don't touch it, please.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, that poor dear.

I'll just get him

some nice, fresh juice.

Mmm-hmm. Juice.

That's a great idea.

Thank you, Grandma D.

Thanks.

You know,

hon, if he's really

under the weather,

maybe it's best

if he doesn't

masturbate so much.

That's good advice.

I'll tell him that,

thank you.

Okay, you can stop

pretending to sleep,

Sir Jizz-a-lot.

The old broad knew

I was whacking to her

the whole time, didn't she?

(LAUGHS)

That's so funny.

But your improvs were awesome.

"Post-nasal dick,"

or whatever you said.

You know,

I can't believe your balls

produce that much stuff.

Dude, at least I got balls.

What's that

supposed to mean?

(LAUGHS)

Let me just crack open

some happiness first, yeah.

All I'm saying is

the Chad thing,

when that dude came

at you last night,

you kind of, like,

looked like

a deer in headlights.

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