That's My Boy Page #7

(WATER RUNNING)

Your whole aura

is actually that

of a p*ssy.

Or a kiss-ass.

It is not.

It is, too.

What the f*** am I doing?

No, I'm just saying you got

to stand up for yourself

I'll have you know,

she bangs me all the time.

All right? She bangs.

Does she live

the la vida loca,

too, or. . .

Very funny.

(WOMEN SQUEALING)

Well, good day, everyone.

GERALD:
Father.

Father McNally,

thank you so much for

coming out to the Cape.

My honor.

Very cool.

Oh, yes.

Chad.

You'll excuse me,

won't you?

While you're in

this church, you'll show

the proper respect.

No e-mailing,

no texting,

no Facebooking,

no Skyping and

no Angry Birds.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, that one hurts.

(LAUGHTER)

No, no.

I get it.

It's the 201 0s.

Everyone's having sex

and drinking lattes.

No, Father.

(CHUCKLES)

But, you see,

this is my world.

We'll abide by my rules

while we're here.

Maybe we should start

with the, uh,

the father of the groom.

Oh, uh, uh. . .

his father passed away.

He died in

an explosion.

Sounds fishy, but. . .

it really happened.

Yep.

I'm. . . I'm truly sorry

to hear that, son.

Oh, thank you,

but, uh, it's fine.

He deserved it.

So. . .

What is that

supposed to mean?

Oh, I didn't mean

anything by it.

He just, you know,

wasn't a great dad.

So your father, he. . .

he abused you, did he?

Oh, no, nothing

like that.

Was he a murderer?

Rapist?

No. Father,

I'm sorry, I. . .

My father beat me

every day with a rake.

But you don't hear me

smack-talking him like

some baby little princess.

Not here in the house

of the Lord.

You know, I can't hear

a word you're saying.

All I can focus on

is your sh*t breath.

I'd, um, I'd like to show you

the garden for a minute.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh. . .

Now, then.

Okay, you know what?

Let's just. . .

(PEOPLE GASP)

(LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

F***ing old guy's got

a cannon on him.

What happened?

DONNY:
What happened

is I think he's having

a mini-meltdown.

Yeah, he's taking

his shirt off now.

Oh, my God.

And, he's pretty ripped

for an old f***,

so we're in trouble

right now.

What is going on here?

All right, all right.

Go time, go time.

PHIL:
Oh, no, think

about what you're doing !

Be careful.

(SCREAMS)

He bit me!

Did you see that?

That was amazing !

This could get ugly.

The Father actually

killed a guy in the ring.

That's why

he became a priest.

Oh.

Just keep your

hands up, kid !

Get 'em down !

Hang in there, guy!

(GRUNTING)

He keeps punching him !

Aw, come on, guy. Oh.

That's my boy!

Why, you came right back

with your own sh*t.

Nice, kid.

(SPEAKING IN TONGUES)

What the f*** is that?

Okay, he's going to

a whole other place

right now.

(SHOUTING IN TONGUES)

You know what?

Maybe just run.

Get the f*** out of here.

Go, go, go, go, go.

No.

I'm not gonna run.

Finish him, Father McNally!

Finish him !

(HEAVY METAL PLAYING)

Here we go...

(BOTTLE CLANKS)

(PEOPLE GASP)

Geez. He went down like

a sack of potatoes, huh?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)

What is the matter

with you?

You know, we've known

Father McNally for 30 years.

30 years! 30 years.

30 years.

I ought to

rip off your head !

(CLAMORING)

(BARKING)

DONNY:
Gerald !

I'm sorry.

Sorry's not gonna keep you

from burning in hell, Todd.

Hey, this is

all my fault.

I shouldn't have hit

the guy with the bottle.

I'm, like,

a moron over here.

No, now, Donny,

I will not let you take

the blame for this.

You had to do it.

You saved his life again.

And you looked

very sexy doing it.

Why was the sound

of that bottle so familiar?

Todd is such a loser.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Here comes your girl.

Here we go.

Jame, I'm sorry,

but, look,

you got to admit,

I stood up for myself

back there.

Do you have f***ing rocks

in your head, Todd?

No.

Well, where are we

gonna get married now?

We got kicked out

of the church !

Jame. . .

What is

everybody's problem?

You were awesome

out there.

You kicked ass.

You should be

proud of yourself.

Proud of myself?

For what?

I got my ass kicked,

and everyone's

pissed off at me.

And, by the way,

thanks for

the fatherly advice, guy.

That's the last time

I listen to you.

Aw...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING ANGRILY)

CHAD:
I'm gonna choke him out!

He's an a**hole!

I'm gonna choke him out.

I'm just gonna

choke him out.

Hey, guys, guys?

Can I just say

something before

we all turn on Todd?

Churches freak the kid out,

After the explosion,

all that was

left of his dad

was, like, a kneecap and

a little bit of nut sack.

(WOMEN COO SYMPATHETICALLY)

It was supposed to be

a closed casket,

but there was a foul-up

at the mortuary,

and he actually saw

a squirrel

run into the coffin

and, uh, kind of. . .

squeak out of there with his

dad's ball bag in his mouth.

You know, that's gonna

f*** any of us up, so. . .

(GROANS)

Aw...

So you actually knew

Todd's father?

Of course I knew the guy.

He was,

uh, he was handsome,

he had f***ing great hair,

uh, a Jedi with

the chicks.

Went down on girls

for a wicked long time

'cause he was a giver

and he wanted to see

others be happy.

Oh, I wish I could

have met him.

Sounds like a gentleman.

Was he there enough

for the kid?

No, maybe not.

But, uh,

y-you know, he probably

felt bad about it.

You know,

and there's nothing he can

do about it now, so, uh. . .

Toddsy.

Oh, Todd.

I had no idea.

(SIGHS)

Poor thing.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

It's fine, but

sometimes I do

still have nightmares.

Oh, boy.

That squirrel and

its demonic eyes.

Tiny piece of skin

flapping in its mouth.

One lone scraggly hair.

A pubic hair.

I mean, maybe this is

a blessing, though, guys.

Do we really want

Father McNutty

to be the one

who brings these

two guys together?

I mean, I don't

think so.

I'm pretty tied into

the church crowd,

Rageaholics Anonymous

and whatnot.

I could find

a priest for you.

I mean, what type

are we looking for?

Maybe a younger guy.

Younger guy.

How about a black guy?

Oh. Now, I like that.

It's very urban,

very street.

GERALD:
Okay.

But that still

doesn't get us a church.

Well, I'll tell you where

I would tie the knot

if I was these

two sexy kids.

(NOTHlNG BUT THE BEST PLAYING)

l like to eat lobster

Directly from Maine

Oh, Donny, this is

just such a great idea.

Thanks.

Don't you love

the pergola?

They're gorgeous!

You know what,

maybe a little more

girly sh*t up on the arch.

Oh, you know,

you're right.

Excuse me,

sir, put some more

girly sh*t up there.

Calling all ladies!

The bus for

the bachelorette party

is here! Come on !

Honey, you guys have fun

at the bachelor party!

Okay.

Don't get too crazy.

Know your limits.

Okay.

We're having

a bachelor party?

That's, like,

my thing, man.

Hookers, blow,

balloons filled with piss.

I mean, the sky's

the limit, kid.

No, no, no. Donny,

uh, w-we're all set.

I have arranged

a very special evening

for us tonight.

(LAUGHS)

This is gonna

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