That's My Boy Page #8

be awesome!

(YELLS)

PHIL:

I read about this place

in Oprah's magazine.

I don't know if she writes

the articles herself,

but there's some real

good stuff in it.

Uh, hi, we're for

the Todd Peterson party,

please.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Ah, Mrs. Ravensdale.

RAVENSDALE:

Phil, what a blessing.

Welcome to your

bachelor party package

here at

He Time Spa For Men.

Woo-hoo, motherf***er!

Okay. All right.

(LAUGHS)

We're gonna set you up

with some nice plush robes,

and then we have

a wonderful

full evening planned

with massage,

facial and

nail treatments,

and then we're going

to send you home

with a special gift

of our house-made

lavender scrub.

Uh, Confucius say,

"What the f*** are

you talking about?"

No, Donny,

uh, Phil thought

it would be nice

before the wedding

for us to

all take a little time to

just chill and mellow.

My wife and I

have been burning it

on both ends all week

with the preschool

applications,

and I am ready

to be pampered !

(MEN CHUCKLE)

All right, all right.

Now we're talking.

Hey, thanks, honey.

What the f***'s your name?

Jessica. All right.

Yeah.

Hey, come on.

Here's to the kid.

He's f***ing getting all

f***ed up, ah, tonight!

Last night!

F***ing last night of

poontang for this kid.

What the f*** is this?

It's water infused

with cucumber,

rose petal

and harvest sandalwood.

It tastes like f***ing

dick infused with balls.

And a side of f***ing

Rod Stewart's jizz.

Wait a minute.

What are we drinking

water at a f***ing

bachelor party for,

Phil?

You got to show my son

your tits later.

Promise me.

Promise me.

That's. . . that's nice.

Yeah, good.

This is great,

sweetheart.

Really good.

Nice work.

You're going deep

on us, huh?

That's it.

What's this, sir?

Oh, that's just

a little, uh. . .

(CHUCKLES)

tip, you know,

if you give me

a full package.

Oh, okay.

That's a $1 50

additional charge.

You're talking

to the wrong guy.

That's a little out

of my price range.

It includes scalp treatment,

reflexology.

How much is it

to tickle my pickle?

To yank my crank?

To give me a ho-jo to go?

Sweetheart, I'm not asking

for a finger up the ass.

I just want you to just

jerk it a little bit.

Donny, this isn't

a brothel.

Then I'm completely

confused

what the f*** we're

doing here right now!

So, what, you're just

going to get a hand job

in front of all of us?

I don't know. Am I?

I guess not!

You know, I have worked

very hard on this night, Don,

and you're being

just plain rude.

Phil, no! Phil !

No, no. Don't do this.

(MEN SIGHING)

Nice. That's nice.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

(CHUCKLES)

It tickles.

Just fight through it, man.

It's worth it.

If you stop, I swear

I will kill you.

You know what,

if I don't see a tit

in five minutes,

I'm going to strangle

this motherf***er.

You should be

ashamed of yourself

for f***ing arranging

this bullshit!

Well, I feel very relaxed,

and I think this was

a good use of a Groupon.

You f***ed us, buddy!

Five more minutes

till you get to

choose amongst four

artisanal house-blended

chocolates, gentlemen.

PHIL:
Oh. . .

(LAUGHTER)

We can't let tonight

end like this, boys.

We got to go out.

I'm telling you,

I can't let my son

have a. . .

my son of a gun best friend

have his bachelor party

be this.

You f***ing. . .

you guys got your face

covered in leprechaun sh*t.

We should be getting

whacked off. . .

all of us. . .

as a f***ing team !

Donny, I think

we've had enough

excitement for one night.

Besides, it's not like

you can throw together

a whole other party this late.

I could have

six chicks making out

with each other

on our laps

in ten minutes.

I could stay out

a little later.

Bam !

(IN SING-SONG TONE)

We gonna get

our d*cks sucked.

There it is.

(LAUGHTER)

Unless, uh, Mrs. Ravensdale,

you want to whip

them knockers out?

We'd love to see them.

All right,

you know what?

You are an imbecilic,

immature, asinine,

childish,

caveman-like,

hairy-knuckled,

single-chromosomal,

obnoxious, uneducated,

ignorant a**hole

who I would like to

f*** hard and long !

So, I'm going to go

put a dent in that.

You guys get that

green jizz off your face.

I'll be back in 20.

We're going out, boys!

Hey, this is the sh*t,

this place. . .

I'm telling you.

The hottest chicks,

the best Denver omelets.

You have to eat one.

All right.

Donny!

Yeah, this is who I was

telling you about!

What's up? Give me that.

I'm so happy to see you.

You look

so f***ing cute!

I know, right?

Oh, and you brought

a military man.

What's your name, soldier?

Chad Martin,

private first class,

United States Marine Corps.

You think you can

keep that dick

at attention for

a couple hours?

(LAUGHS)

That's an order!

Already on it.

(LAUGHS)

Look at my man !

PHIL:
You guys,

let me get in here

and introduce myself.

Hello. I'm Phil.

I'm married

with four children,

and I have actually

only seen three vaginas

in my entire life:

my wife's, my baby's

and my aunt's once

by accident on

the back of a tandem bike.

Well, here's

number four, baby!

Oh !

I'm going to count that

as numbers four and five.

(LAUGHTER)

(GIRLS ON THE DANCE FLOOR

PLAYING)

l see you chillin'

by the bar

DJ:
ChampaIe wouId

like to dedicate this

to Mr. Todd Peterson.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

Here you go.

Oh.

Oh, hey.

Do you want any eggs?

Oh, no.

I really have to

watch what I eat.

No fatty foods.

But thank you.

I'm Brie.

I'm Todd.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, I know who

you are, Han Solo.

Oh. Uh, no, you can't. . .

Don't worry,

your secret's safe.

(ANXIOUS LAUGH)

Hey, girl, what you know

about these stereotypes?

Yeah, yeah

l-l take a shot

of Patrn

Two shots, then it's on

Three shot, four shot,

five shot

Oh, sh*t, I think I'm gone

lf you're looking for me,

l'm with the

Girls on the dance floor

How easy to see

l'm with the

Girls on the dance floor

You know l love it

when the

Girls on the dance floor

That's why this one

is for the

Girls on the dance floor

Who did that?

And l'm good to go

Got the hood feeIing

so remarkable

When the clock hits 4:00,

l'm out the door

So get your ass

on the floor

Get your ass on the fIoor

Oh, you don't

hear me though?

Get your ass

on the floor, yeah

lf you're looking for me

l'm with the

Girls on the dance floor

How easy to see

l'm with the

Girls on the dance floor

You know l love it

when the...

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MEN LAUGHING)

Gerald, get in the car.

I love you, Donny!

Yeah, I love you.

Get in there.

Man, you got to give me

the recipe, man.

Can't buy everything,

Spirou !

Bro, but they use

olive oil, not butter.

That's the big secret.

Okay, Chris,

get him in there.

Be gentle, he. . .he's

protecting our country.

All right,

good night, guys!

(LAUGHS)

Gerald, you're

a sick man, buddy!

Whoa.

(GERALD LAUGHING)

Hey, what. . .

Where's everybody going?

I sent them home, guy.

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