That's My Boy Page #9

I thought, uh, we could

have a little, uh,

best man/groom alone time.

Oh. But shouldn't

I go with them?

'Cause Jamie's gonna

get mad at me.

Wha. . . Easy, guy.

You're gonna have

plenty of time

for her to be mad at you

when you're married.

(LAUGHS)

I got you a wedding gift,

and I want to

give it to you alone,

all right?

You got me a gift?

Of course I got you.

And I think, uh,

think you might dig it.

An earring.

Yeah, I know,

but, uh, that's an earring

that your mom gave me,

and I thought maybe

we could

keep it in the family,

you know?

Just kind of keep it going,

generation to generation,

actually.

Oh.

Yeah, but I don't have

a pierced ear, Donny.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

All right,

f*** it, f*** it.

Do it, just do it.

It's not gonna hurt, buddy.

Y-You got a nice

buzz going.

Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Hang on.

(SIGHS)

Oh, yeah.

L-Liquor it up.

Oh, f***! (SQUEALS)

Come here. Come here.

(SCREAMING)

Hang in there!

Go ahead, just

sit still, homie.

(SCREAMING)

Yeah !

(GROANS)

How we doing?

(GROANING)

Oh, God.

That's it.

That's the way to man up.

That wasn't so bad.

Let me see it.

Am I bleeding?

I don't think so.

No?

Does it look good?

You look like

you could be playing drums

for Foreigner or some sh*t.

You look like a bad-ass.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, 'cause it makes me

feel kind of. . .

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

. . .dangerous.

(LAUGHS)

There he is, man !

That's your personality. . .

like when you were

seven years old,

me and Uncle Vanny used to

laugh our asses off from you.

Uncle Vanny,

that's right.

What happened to that guy?

Dude, you know

what it's time for?

To get you

back together

with the old gang.

Come on.

I just hope the guy

will talk to me.

Phil !

Come on, you're gonna

get arrested, buddy.

(SOBBING)

I shouldn't be

doing this.

No, don't stop,

don't stop.

(CLEARS THROAT)

All right, look.

I came here to tell you

I'm sorry

about what happened

with me and your mother.

It was an accident,

and it will never

happen again.

That's all I've been

waiting for

all these years, man,

a simple apology.

It's water

under the bridge.

Don't sweat it.

Holla.

Wait, are you Vanilla Ice?

Was Uncle Vanny

Vanilla Ice

this whole time?

Who did you

think I was?

I don't know,

a friend of my dad's

that wore a lot

of parachute pants?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, man.

I want to be honest

with you, too.

I never did knock boots

with your mother.

No?

No.

I think she whacked me

off outside the pants.

(SIGHS)

No.

But I didn't finish.

Vanny, I didn't finish.

I couldn't.

Yeah?

Oh, Mom.

Yeah.

You know,

she did like to f***.

(LAUGHTER)

That's f***ing. . .

Look at him.

Back to it.

F***, yeah.

Hey, Han Solo,

you're looking great, man.

Oh, thank you.

You lost some weight.

Is this kid all right?

You're not a little

fat kid no more.

No, no, no.

Remember this one?

No, no.

Oh, yeah, we used to do

this to you all the time.

Remember, back in the day?

Hey, nugget pocket.

Nugget pockets.

No, I'm not

a nugget pocket.

What's up, nugget pocket?

No.

(LAUGHS)

No, but seriously, Iceberg,

me and my boy

got a little head start

on you,

but, uh, you got any desire

to get wasted with us?

Ah, more than life itself.

In fact, I might

have a little head start

on you guys.

(LAUGHS)

What?

Ah !

(INHALES)

Yeah.

It's so illegal.

I don't want to do that

in front of my kid.

Turn around for a minute.

Just turn around.

(LAUGHS)

Give me that f***ing sh*t.

(INHALES)

What?

Hey, let's get

out of here.

I did not do that.

Let's go have some fun.

Hey!

Hey, where you think

you're going,

Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream?

I'm going out

for the night, man.

Aw, hell no, man !

You know I don't know

how to fry

no damn chicken nuggets!

It's Todd Bridges.

Yeah, yeah,

w-watch this.

What you talking

'bout, Willis?

You come back

and say that to my face,

you fake white

rapping motherf***er!

Todd, seriously, though,

you look great.

How's Mr. Drummond

doing, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

Mister. . .

F*** you !

"Mr. Drummond.

Mister. . ."

Man, I. . .

What you want?

Bowl of chili nuggets.

A what?

You know, that sh*t

ain't on the menu, man !

Sh*t, it is. Damn it.

DONNY:
F***ing skate!

Just f***ing skate!

TODD:
The Berger boys

are here!

DONNY:
Come on, look out!

Look out, now!

What the f***?

(DANCE THE NlGHT AWAY PLAYING)

Have you seen her?

So fine and pretty

Hey! Give me my hat back!

(LAUGHING)

Do it, do it!

Give it back!

Yes, it's love

in the third degree

DONNY:
Hey, it's a f***ing

lovely night, ain't it?

Oh, my God !

(LAUGHING)

You f***ing a**holes!

(GRUNTING)

(CLAMORING)

Ooh, baby, baby

Go, go!

(GROANS)

What the. . . Go!

Go, go, go!

What the f***?

Get out of here!

(GUNSHOT)

Holy sh*t!

You know, they seem

like fun guys.

We're all gonna dive!

Let's go!

(LAUGHING)

MAN:
What are you doing?

She's on fire

'Cause dancing

gets her higher

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God !

I didn't, I didn't

spill my beer!

I f***ing love it.

(CLAMORING)

F***!

You f***ing hard-ons!

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKS)

(GUNFIRE)

(CLAMORING)

(MEN SIGHING)

'Cause you're

old enough to dance

Dance the night away

"You f***ing hard-ons."

Whoo!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, come on, baby

Dance the night away

(MEN LAUGHING)

F***ing. . .

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

You don't f***ing do that,

you f***ing idiot!

Yeah !

Look at this, f*** face.

Look at this.

What the f***?

Come on.

(LAUGHS)

You f***ing guy.

I say, take it.

I can't.

Just go, go, go, go, go.

No, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop, stop.

I changed my mind.

I'm scared.

I don't want to do it.

Oh, man.

I can't do it.

You're rubbing

your underwear.

What is that?

Why are you doing that?

I suppose

I'm the reason.

Yeah. Yeah.

Remember in first grade

when you were supposed

to pick me up after school,

you left me waiting

for five hours?

I had detention myself, guy.

What the f***

was I supposed to do?

Yeah, well,

I sh*t in my pants.

All right.

Then I had to walk

all the way home alone.

All right.

With sh*t in my pants.

Dude, I promise you,

I'll never forget you again.

I swear to God.

Throw the f***ing

things away.

Don't f*** with me.

Throw them away.

(CHANTING) Throw them away.

Throw them away.

Get rid

of the f***ing underwear,

you don't need that.

You're better than that, guy.

Okay, f*** it.

Okay, f*** it.

Squeeze it out

and f***ing. . . Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

You're a good kid.

Come on, f***ing hit

this thing and

let's get it rocking.

All right. All right?

Here we go.

Come on.

Push, push. I got you.

Okay.

I'm not good at it.

All right.

It's balance,

it's just balance.

You got this, kid.

You're an athlete.

You got it.

No, it's in you, buddy.

Straight.

I don't know how.

I got you.

I ain't gonna let you fall.

Don't let me go.

I won't let you fall.

Don't let go.

All right,

I'm still with you.

Okay.

I'm still with you.

Let's pick up

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