That's What I Am Page #2

- You know what you are?

Know what you are? You're a jughead.

You know what a jughead is?

- Someone who's really stupid?

- No, buddy. You're not stupid.

A jughead is someone

who just doesn't pay attention.

- Oh, okay.

- Now you can concentrate.

Do it right the first time, you don't have to

again. Does that make sense to you?

- Yeah, but I was gonna...

- No. There's no but.

Either makes sense

or doesn't make sense.

- There's no buts about it.

- Okay.

You watch me. I'll mow the lawn.

I'll show you

what a lawn's supposed to look like.

Unbelievable.

He won't study after school, in the library,

he works for his dad on the weekends.

The only place he'll study

is in Geek Corner at lunch hour.

Geek Corner?

Yeah, that's where they hang out.

Who are they exactly?

You know, Big G and his friends.

Norman Grunmeyer, Karen Connor,

Stuart Hoffstetter.

Geek Corner?

Yeah, that's what they call it.

"They" again, Andy?

Isn't that what you just called it?

Yeah, but I didn't mean... I didn't...

Did it occur to you that Stanley

studies there...

...because that's the only place

he feels comfortable?

How would you feel if everywhere people

made fun of you and played tricks on you?

Ricky Brown makes fun of him

every day.

He was squirting him with a water pistol

so it made him look like he wet his pants.

Ricky Brown is a very cruel boy.

Stanley has suffered his whole life.

Why would God do that, Mom?

Make someone look like Big G?

So that everyone makes fun of him?

Maybe because God didn't see

anything wrong with him in the first place.

And, Andy...

...his name is Stanley.

So how are you gonna get around

the Big G thing?

There is no way around it.

There's always a way. Quit school.

Yeah, I could also kill myself.

Any other brilliant ideas?

- Could be worse, you know?

- How is that?

Ricky Brown could wanna kick your butt

or something.

- True.

- Oh, hey.

Did you hear about Simon

winning that car?

- What? No. A car?

- Yeah, there was a contest in the paper.

He had to write in 25 words how to save

the world, or make peace, or whatever.

- Simon won.

- Cool.

Mr. Simon's a genius.

- What kind of car?

- Pontiac GTO.

Most bitching car ever made.

There she is.

Give it up, Nichol.

Hey, I can dream.

Mary Clear was a legend

in her own time.

She had established herself as the

make- out artist in the eighth-grade class.

Everybody who was anybody

had made out with Mary Clear.

Everybody, that is, except me.

If Mary Clear was the most attractive girl

in the school...

... then Karen Connor, one could argue,

was the homeliest.

And the homeliest girl always had it worse

than her male counterpart.

It's like, if the Elephant Man

had an identical twin sister...

... somehow she would seem homelier.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

It's Cootie Connor.

Cootie Connor. I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Cootie Connor.

There was one and only one kid

you would go to...

... if you contracted the dreaded cooties.

And that kid was Myron Stort.

The Stort was the resident expert

on all things concerning cooties.

- Stort.

- Jason Freel needed Stort in a bad way.

Stort, you gotta help me, man.

I just ran right into Cootie Connor

in the hallway. Full body contact.

Keep your distance.

Everybody out of here.

For your own protection.

Freel was like a leper

crashing a hot tub party.

The only one who stood his ground

was the Stort.

Knowing full well, he was the only one

that could save Freel now.

- I need you, man. You gotta help me.

- Shut up, man.

This isn't gonna be easy, man.

Here's what you gotta do.

- You gotta touch her again.

- No, man. No way. I won't. I can't.

- There's gotta be another way.

- Shut up. Shut up.

There's only one way.

Touch her again and say the words:

From this, the cooties came

With this, the cooties shall remain

Freel, I'm losing you, man.

Stay focused.

Okay, okay.

- With this, the cooties came...

- From this.

From this, the cooties came

With this, the cooties shall remain

Okay, okay.

From this. From this. From this...

- All right, I got it. Thanks. I owe you one.

- Hey, Freel. One last thing.

You gotta do it on her territory.

- Geek Corner?

- Yeah, Geek Corner.

Why don't you give Ricky Brown

your lunch? Or do his homework?

- Cut some deal with him.

- Because it's not right.

Right? What does that have to do

with getting our asses kicked?

Damn it, Stanley.

Why do you have to make things tough?

You shouldn't swear, Norman.

Do you mind? I'd like to get going.

Right, sorry. Didn't wanna keep you here

any longer than you have to be.

I mean, it's pretty courageous

of you risking terminal cooties.

- What are your buddies gonna think?

- I got news for you, Normie.

Even if you weren't a complete geek,

people would beat the crap out of you.

Stanley, Jason Freel's got Karen.

From this, the cooties...

Freel recited the absolving incantation

as he whipped Karen with his jacket.

He could not bring himself to actually

touch her, but then who would know?

He could always say he did.

With this, they shall remain

With his feet dangling a foot off

the ground, Jason Freel found religion.

- And prayed to the Lord Big G.

- Break his neck. No, no, wait.

Let me get some of his friends to watch,

then break his neck.

No.

No.

Are you completely insane?

You had him.

You could have broken him in two.

I mean, you could have at least held him

and I hit him with a brick or something.

Do you wanna work some more

on the project?

Norman's right. I don't get it.

Why do you let guys like Freel and Ricky

always make fun of you all the time?

I can't make them be nice people.

And even if I did, there'd be others

that take their place.

If I had Big G's body,

I'd have kicked Freel's ass.

Then I'd have kicked Ricky Brown's ass

just to cool down.

You probably thought it was funny.

No.

I didn't.

Screw it. So Freel beats me up.

He was probably gonna do that anyway.

I'm telling Mr. Simon.

Karen?

Karen, it's Mr. Simon.

Karen, I'm coming in, honey.

Please go away, Mr. Simon.

I'll be okay.

I'm gonna open the door, sweetheart.

Please go away.

No, I'm gonna open the door. It's okay.

Here. Give me your hand, sweetheart.

Come on.

Don't let them see you like this.

It's okay.

What happened to you?

Who did this to you?

The word had spread quickly

that Mr. Simon was extremely upset.

And that it was quite possible

Jason Freel...

... would receive his final report card

in federal prison.

Some of the cuts

on Karen's arms and neck...

...made by the zipper

from Mr. Freel's jacket...

...are deeper than first thought.

And she has been...

...sent to the doctors.

For anyone interested...

...this is how I won the car.

The newspaper contest

to win the new car...

... asked contestants

to find a solution to world peace...

... using 25 words or less.

Mr. Simon won it with just four.

I really don't feel much like teaching

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