The 'Burbs Page #3

They combined Lincoln's birthday with

Washington's. It's one weekend now.

- It's always flip-flopping.

- It's one weekend now.

"Remain calm, float with arms stretched

out at right angles to the body..."

That's what you used to

say to me in college, right?

- [Girl] What about your parents?

- They're not home 'til Thursday.

[Laughs]

Gail, I swear to God, this is

better than anything on television.

- Why can't we go to a movie?

- "A movie"?

That's not real. It's

the same as television.

Trust me. This is real.

This is my neighbourhood.

[Ricky] Here he comes,

right on schedule.

[Chuckling] God, I love this street.

Ray.

- What?

- Who was Mussolini?

- [Art Tapping]

- "How sweet it is" was, uh...

- [Trebek] Right again.

- Business and Industry for 200.

[Trebek] In the McDonald's

corporate think tank, executives...

- Art, we're watching the show.

- What does he want?

I don't know. But I'll be back

in time for Final Jeopardy.

[Contestant] Nebraskans

for 1,000, please.

[Ricky] Okay, the show's

started. Check it out.

You see the guy with the

curly hair? That's Mr Peterson.

He's this sceptic. He's

basically grounded in reality...

and he doesn't want to believe his

neighbours are up to something strange.

'Cause if they were,

he'd have to deal with it.

Okay, now see the fat

guy? That's Mr Weingartner.

He thinks the Klopeks are really evil...

and that they're building

a dungeon in their basement.

He and Mr Rumsfield decided to

do a little snooping tonight.

This should be good.

[Rumsfield] Shh, shh, shh.

- What is this?

- It's an infrared scope.

Snipers use it for night vision.

What are we gonna do with it?

Get a look in those barred

- up basement windows.

[Whispers] Come here.

I've been thinking about it. I don't

think we should go through with this.

Are you a 'fraidy cat?

No, I just think things

have gone off the deep end.

Infrared night vision scopes? What

are we gonna do next, tap their phone?

- That can be arranged.

- [Art Chuckles]

Then all we have to do is burn

a cross on their front lawn.

Shh.

- Quiet.

- You hear that?

- I thought that was just me.

- [Humming]

- It's a low-frequency hum or

something. - It's getting louder.

Listen.

Is that a transformer or something?

The goddam power company.

But I can't... Where is it coming from?

- [Humming Continues]

- I know where it's coming from.

[Humming Pitch Increases]

[Humming Continues, Explosion]

[Humming Decreasing,

Stops, Thunder Rumbling]

Wow.

- [Ray] What the hell was that?

- [Dog Whimpering, Barking]

Brownout.

Smells like they're cooking

a goddam cat over there.

- I'm gonna go find out what exactly...

- Get down, get down!

No headlights.

[Thunderclap]

[Thunderclap, Thunder Rumbling]

[Grunting]

[Thunderclap]

I can see the news report now:

"They were a quiet family.

Kept pretty much to themselves.

No one would have ever

suspected them of foul play."

[Thunderclap]

I've never seen anybody drive

their garbage to the street...

and then bang the hell

out of it with a stick.

I've never seen that.

I say we get a look

in those garbage cans.

Call me overly cautious, but don't

you think that's a bit suspicious?

The three of us going through their garbage

at 11:
00 at night in the middle of a rainstorm?

Affirmative. That

garbage is going nowhere.

I say we wait 'til

first light. Scope me.

- I'm outta here.

- [Thunderclap]

Rain delay.

Bummer. [Laughs]

Ray, what was that you were saying the

other day about half-cocked theories?

Ray... sleep tight.

[Thunder Rumbling]

[Thunderclap]

[Thunderclap]

No way Wednesday night. I'm in a league.

This seminar could change your

life, Vic. The man is a great healer.

And I'm a great bowler. Wednesday

night we're taking on Roselli Plumbing.

You should expose

yourself to this guy, Vic.

He understands paraphysical forces...

the healing capabilities of

crystals and the laying on of hands.

[Bangs Can] You wanna

try laying on some hands?

Wait! Hold it, garbies! Garbies!

Garbagemen! Hold on

a minute! Wait a sec!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold

it! What are you doin'?

- I'm emptying garbage.

- Are you outta your mind?

Give me that!

- Hey, cut that out!

- There's nothing here.

Not a finger, not a nose, nothing!

- Give me that.

- Here you go.

- What are you doin'? [Groans]

- You asked me to help.

Who you calling?

I'm calling the Delvaneys and

having them open the cottage.

No, Carol. I don't want

to go to the cottage.

Fine. Then Dave and I will go

and you can stay here and spy.

Oh, all right. Okay.

- What? What? Are you sulking now?

- No, go up to the cottage!

Take Dave and go to the cottage.

Leave me to pad around the house.

"Pad around the house"? All you do

is pal around the neighbourhood...

- That's my vacation.

- With those two chuckleheads.

- I am very, very worried about you.

- Why?

- You're acting like...

- What am I acting like, Carol?

- Like a guy who's on vacation!

- Like this!

- This is not someone on vacation!

- See? I sleep late!

- Get a tan then!

- In my pyjamas?

- Fix the barbecue! I don't know!

- Look, look!

You go to the cottage and get

a tan! Take David with you!

I don't care! I'll eat takeout!

I'll do the laundry myself!

I'll vacuum the house!

It'll be spotless!

Art's throwing garbage

all over the street.

Your mom and I are having a

conversation! If you... What?

- [Garbage Clattering]

- Get out of the truck! Are you nuts?

Hey, it's gotta be in here somewhere.

The Supreme Court ruled

that a person's garbage...

- is public domain the minute it hits the kerb.

- Shut up.

Did you guys pick up a

Hefty bag out of that yard...

that was bulky and

probably a little moist?

- What is wrong with these people?

- He has a right to know, Vic.

Don't start up with me. Hey, could

you help me get this guy out of here?

Hey, Art. What's happening?

No! Ray! Ray, come back here!

Just one... I'll be... Yeah.

My taxes pay your salary!

I don't want to hear any

of your bullshit either!

The question here is garbage

and who picks up this mess.

[Rumsfield] "Who picks up this mess"?

You're gonna pick up the mess

because you are a garbageman.

I pick up garbage in

cans, not from the street!

Ray, there's nothing in here.

We practically checked this whole

truck. They must have switched on us.

- [Enlightened Garbageman] The F.B.I.?

- [Art] No, the Klopeks.

- [Whimpering]

- Oh, no. Naughty little puppy.

Uncle Markie gets very upset

when you're on his lawn.

Wait a minute. You're all

dirty, and you're shaking.

I wonder if Walter knows you're outside.

- In the rain?

- Yeah, it was raining.

- There were how many of them?

- Well, uh, three.

And what were they doing?

- They were diggin'.

- Digging! Like grave diggers!

- I told you! They're ghouls!

- No, I didn't say that.

They could have been

digging for anything.

They could have been

digging for night crawlers.

- Night crawlers?

- They're fishermen. They need bait.

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