The Angels' Share

PROSECUTOR:

This is an unusual case, My Lord.

The accused was at an unmanned station under

the influence of a strong fortified wine.

Railway personnel from some 20 miles away

manning security cameras

saw him staggering

towards the station's edge.

Lovely jubbly

(CHIMING ON PA)

ANNOUNCER ON PA:
Would all passengers

stand back from the edge of the platform?

You with the trainers on.

You with the blue tracksuit.

Get back. There's a train coming

through here any minute.

Stand back.

Is somebody taking the piss here?

When will you do what you're told

and stand back?

- Stand back?

- That's right, you heard me. Stand back.

If you say so, pal.

Oh, sh*t!

See! Look what you've done now,

you f***ing imbecile!

Get off that track. There's a train

coming through here in seconds.

What the f*** was that, you arsehole?

I f***ing nearly broke my bottle.

F*** the bottle. Get off the track!

Hurry up! Get a f***ing move on!

I cannot find my glasses!

This is God calling.

Get off the f***ing track, will you?!

- Get a f***ing move on or you're gonna die!

- F*** me!

Move it, you f***ing arsehole!

- (TRAIN APPROACHES)

- Oh, thank f***. Oh! Sh*t.

(TRAIN HORN BLASTS)

(TRAIN WHOOSHES PAST)

JUDGE:
It seems to me, young man,

that your profound stupidity

is matched only by your good fortune.

I sentence you to 180 hours

of Community Payback.

If you don't carry out the required work,

you will come back here before me

and receive a custodial sentence.

Is that clear?

ALBERT:
No, not really.

The accused stole a yellow and blue

macaw from a pet shop

in the Gallowgate area of the city.

The bird was stuffed inside

a Marks & Spencer's carrier bag

with tail protruding.

On being asked for an explanation

by a police constable, the accused replied,

"Why don't you piss off and start hunting

rapists, mass murderers and perverts,

"YOU grumpy twat?"

MALE SOLICITOR:

The damage to the vending machine

was not as great as first feared, My Lord,

and it has been repaired

at very little cost.

It seems clear this of fence was committed,

unfortunately, through depression

and this recent violent outburst

is a desperate attempt

to get back inside the prison system.

PROSECUTOR:

This is a public order of fence, My Lord.

Climbing the statue of the Duke of

Wellington in the city centre.

The accused was under

the influence of drink and drugs.

He seems to bear a grudge

against public monuments.

On previous occasions he has put

a Scottish flag around Queen Victoria

and urinated on Donald Dewar.

The accused had a part-time cleaning job

three days a week.

But during this time she continued

to claim Social Security benefits.

Your Lordship will note there is

a considerable history

of fraudulent claims from the accused.

She seems unable to change her behaviour

of claiming benefits she's not entitled to.

As you will recall, My Lord,

this young man has pleaded guilty

to a violent and prolonged assault.

Now, it is accepted that the accused's

rivals in this case provoked the incident

but, at the same time, the severity

and viciousness of the accused's reaction

went far beyond self-defence.

Both the accused's rivals were assaulted

to their severe and permanent disfigurement.

Given his chaotic childhood, My Lord,

both Mr. Emmerson's parents

were frequently in and out of custody

during his formative years.

Um... he perhaps didn't

have the best start in life.

Your Lordship will note that,

following Mr. Emmerson's release

from Polmont Young Offenders Institution,

the last 10 months have been trouble-free,

My Lord,

albeit apart from this one

very serious incident.

He has formed

a stable relationship with his girlfriend.

She continues to be a positive and

stabilizing influence in his life.

The reason for that is clear.

Within 10 days, my client

will become a father for the first time.

My Lord, the prospects of fatherhood

have changed this young man,

and he would grasp one last opportunity

with both hands.

He has clashed with his girlfriend's father

on several occasions,

which gives rise to serious concern.

Stand up.

Your record is appalling.

For much of your short life

you have behaved like a thug

and the violent incidents in this case

have proven to me

that you are still a dangerous individual.

But you are obviously

a young man with energy and talent.

You have escaped a significant custodial

sentence by the skin of your teeth.

I sentence you to 300 hours

of Community Payback.

- (GAVEL POUNDS)

- (PEOPLE CLAMORING)

JUDGE:
Silence there!

Silence.

- Silence there!

- WOMAN:
Silence in court!

Silence!

- WOMAN:
Quiet!

- (CLAMORING CONTINUES)

ROBBIE:
Oh, f***.

I cannot believe that, man.

- (SOBS)

- It's okay, Leonie.

God, I thought they were gonna

put you away for years.

I'm telling you, I am never

coming back here. I'm telling you now.

One more time, Robbie,

and you're on your own.

You'd have been safer inside, you wee prick.

Watch your f***ing back.

- See you soon, you wee dick.

- Catch you after, hairy hole. (LAUGHS)

I cannot live with this. I'm not going to.

Good morning, sir.

I'm here to report for Community Payback.

- And your name is?

- It's Albert Ridley.

- You're not on here, son. - You sure?

Should be definitely on the list.

- Are you sure it's today?

- Aye, Wednesday.

- You're two days out, son.

- What?

- You're two days out.

- Two days out?

There must be... Should be definitely on it.

I'll tell you what. If you can tell me

what year it is, I'll let you come with us.

- What year it is?

- Yeah.

Feels as if I'm f***in' on

Who Wants to be a Millionaire here.

Can I phone a friend?

It's your lucky day. We're two short.

We're painting the community centre.

- Are you any good with a brush?

- I'll give it a bash, aye.

- Right, get on the bus, then.

- Cheers.

- You all right?

- Aye, I'm fine. How?

- What's your second name again?

I forgot it. - It's a secret. Ha-ha!

- It's a secret?

- I'm no telling you.

- Willy, you been drinking, pal?

- I haven't touched a drink.

- Oh, Willy.

- I haven't touched a drink. Promise.

Look, smell my breath. (EXHALES)

No touched a drink!

- Robert Emmerson.

- What name is it?

- Robert Emmerson. - Rob, it's 8:00 sharp.

It's not a taxi service.

- The bus sailed right past me. - There's

a 15 minute cut-off. You're too late.

I've gotta get my hours done, man.

Please. Please.

- Albert, have you painted before?

- Just with a can.

I'll tell you what then. Get a scraper,

you and Davey get some sandpaper.

Get out in the hallway and give it

a bit of a scraping off, will you?

Get it prepared for painting afterwards,

all right?

ALBERT:
Scrape the wall?

What do you mean?

Don't take the piss. Get the scrapers,

get the sandpaper, get out there.

Davey, you go with him.

Show him what to do, will you, son?

In the corridor.

Get started as soon as you can.

There you go, Davey.

There you go, the dream team.

Right, you and PC can start on this wall.

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