The Angels' Share Page #7

The promised land. Treasures in there, mate.

F***ing treasures.

Ah, but one wee problem.

It's in there, we're out here.

No f***ing plan,

and I'm risking my foreskin for f*** all.

Before we left I made a phone call.

We're gonna go and meet somebody.

What the f*** have you been up to?

Just f***ing trust me and you'll find out.

- How you doin?

- Pleasure to meet you.

All the way from Glasgow, eh?

That's an impressive trip.

So this is the Carntyne Malt Whisky Club?

Well, thanks for seeing us, Mr. Dobie.

We're just newly set up.

My name's Robbie. I'm the President.

This here's Albert, Financial Secretary.

Rhino looks after new membership.

And Mo, Social Secretary and general

procurement of whatever we need.

Oh, very impressive. Good.

And what can we do for you?

Well, we've read the reports and, for us,

the auction of a Malt Mill is

more important than landing on the moon.

We've come to ask for your autograph

and, if possible, for the newsletter,

could we get a photograph of you

with the cask?

(CHUCKLES)

And only if it's no bother, also,

if you could let us witness the tasting with

the Master of Quaich, Mr. Rory McAllister.

It's just so we could tell the grandchildren

that we were there.

Isn't that sweet?

It's more than sweet.

This is just so impressive.

- That ain't very good, is it?

- It's up, isn't it?

Do you know something?

I can't believe you dragged us all the way

up here to risk us to get the jail for f*** all.

Shut it. Give us your Irn-Bru bottles.

They've even got our photos as well now.

With my record,

when they know it's gone I'm f***ed.

I thought you were smart.

Once they know? But they're not gonna know.

Nothing's gonna go missing.

Everything's gonna be all right.

It's all good.

Are you off your head?

And did you no see how f***ing big

the lock were on the door?

And the camera and the alarms?

The camera and the alarms? There's one

camera. One alarm. There's none inside.

How do you know that?

I asked the f***ing secretary. The last

reported theft was with the Vikings.

Listen, during the tasting,

everybody's eyes are gonna be glued

to the Master. Right?

So when we go in,

youse will cover me. No one will see us.

I'll simply drift in

behind the barrels. Right?

During the night, be all locked up,

I'll give youse a text.

Youse will come over with the gear,

the bottles and stuff.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hello.

I hope you're not gonna outbid me.

You never know, Mr. Maloney.

You never know.

Right, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Balblair Distillery

on what is a unique day

in the history of the distillery.

We are privileged to have with us

Master of the Quaich,

who will evaluate what's in here.

So, without further ado I shall turn you

over to Rory McAllister.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you, Angus.

And may I add my welcome to his.

This is, without doubt,

a most unusual occasion.

The discovery of this

small cask of Malt Mill

is unprecedented.

Now then, the moment of truth.

Would you like to draw the bung?

Right. Gentlemen...

Choose your weapons.

Oh, that was well done.

Thank you very much.

You'll see by the color that it's got

a gorgeous deep amber color,

but not the sort of color

you'd expect from European oak.

This is... I think it's probably been

matured in an American oak butt.

Lovely bright color.

It really, I can...

I wish I could share it with you.

It is one of the most extraordinary whiskies

I've ever had the pleasure to taste.

It's got these lovely maritime notes.

The faded smokiness that you'd expect

from a whisky of this age.

Superb.

Absolutely sublime.

- Mmm!

- (ALL CHUCKLING)

- Can I have another one, please?

- (ALL CHUCKLING)

ALBERT:
Robbie. That's us.

- Happy days, Albert.

- Here, here.

Right, here, Albert, take that.

Grab that through.

Now listen, Albert. Keep it as low

as you possibly can and start sucking.

- Get the bottles ready.

- MO:
They're ready.

Don't spill a drop.

Right, go.

Here it comes, boys, here it comes.

- Look at that, man, that's f***ing magic.

- MO:
That's it, we've got it.

- And don't spill any of that, remember.

- MO:
Don't worry.

Listen, I'll be two minutes.

I've gotta check this end, okay?

Albert? There's nothing spilling, mate.

We're all good here.

- MO:
Brilliant. That's us on the fourth bottle.

- What, already? F***ing superb.

RHINO:
Sh*t! Robbie,

there's a motor pulling into the car park.

F***! Give me it in, quick.

Give me it in. Sh*t.

- Give me this through. Grab the bottles.

- MO:
Hurry up!

RHINO:
I've got the bottles.

Just go, all right?

F***. F***. Sh*t.

DOBIE:
Here we are.

I can't believe I left the gauze off.

That'll be the excitement of the occasion.

Glass?

MALONEY:
Thank you, Angus. Thank you.

DOBIE:
Right.

MALONEY:
I'll die a happy man.

That's plenty.

MALONEY:
Beautiful.

DOBIE:
Breaks my heart to see it go.

And my little suggestion, Angus,

who would ever know?

It's a win-win situation. Nobody loses.

My client only wants three bottles,

one to keep, one to swap,

one to drink with his friends.

But I don't think he'll match the American.

DOBIE:
And what about provenance?

I mean, he'll want proof.

- Not a stickler for detail.

- At that price?

Drop in the ocean.

He knows. That's enough.

Between me and you and these four walls.

Be quite a nest egg.

I don't have the nerve.

MALONEY:
Pity.

AUCTIONEER:
700,000, the bid's at the back

Are you coming back, sir, at 700,000?

720.

720,000.

New bidder on my right. 740.

740,000.

It's right at the back of the room now.

780. 780,000.

Near me now at 780,000.

New bidder right in the centre now

at 800,000. The bid's at 800.

820. 820,000 seated.

840. 840,000.

We're coming on the phones now

at 840. 860,000.

With the telephone bid now at 860.

Are we done now at 860?

880,000.

On the left now at 880. 900,000.

920, I'll take. 920 from the gentleman

seated on my left. Now at 920.

960 in front. 960,000.

It's in the room against the telephones now.

980,000 bid.

Are we done in the room now at 980,000?

You're done, sir, now at 980,000?

It's right in the centre at 980...

New bidder at 1 million.

1 million.

New bidder on the left-hand side now

at 1 million.

Is there any further interest now

at 1 million? Are you done, sir?

The bid's on the left at 1 million.

Do I hear 1,020,000?

1,020,000 to bid.

1,040,000. 1,040,000.

It's still on the left at... 1,060,000.

1,060,000.

Still in front of me now at 1,060,000.

Are you done now, sir, at 1,060,000?

1,000,000. 1,000,000.

The gentleman on my left now at 1,080,000.

Do I hear 1.1 million, sir?

Any advance at one...

Are we looking for1.1 million?

1.1 million.

1.1 million.

Bid's in the centre now at 1.1 million.

Any advance now at 1.1 million pounds?

Are you done, sir, now at 1.1 million...

And 20.

It's on the left at 1,120,000...

1,150,000.

1,150,000.

It's against you, sir, now at 1,150,000.

Do I hear another bid, sir? At 1,150,000.

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