The Bank Dick

Egbert Souse?

- Isn't that an odd name?

- It isn't pronounced Souse.

Accent grave over the "E."

Egbert "Sou-say. "

Oh, I see.

What's he up to now?

What is he up to?

Your guess is as good as mine, Ma.

I never know what to expect next.

I bet you anything he's smoking

up in his room again.

This time, Agatha,

you've got to just tell him to stop.

- His smokin' gave me asthma.

- Oh, Ma.

- If you don't, I'm going on the County.

- Ma!

Imagine a man trying

to take care of his family...

by going to theater bank nights, working

puzzle contests and suggesting slogans.

Telephone's ringing.

Don't answer it, Elsie Mae. It's probably

the Lacavas wantin' their lawn mower back.

We're not

finished with it yet.

- Hello, daughter.

- Hello.

- Hello, Myrtle.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Agatha, this time you've got

to tell him. I just can't stand it.

It's just a lingering death.

If you don't,

I will go on the County!

What's eatin' you?

My Sunday School teacher,

Mr. Stackhouse,

told me that he saw my father coming out

of a saloon the other day!

And that Dad

was smoking a pipe!

Oh, I'll kill myself!

What's the matter with her?

I'll starve myself to death.

It's the easiest way out.

It's not so difficult to do.

I tried it yesterday afternoon.

That must be Og.

Will you excuse me?

- Nice potatoes.

- Thank you.

Why don't we get

any more crumpets?

Smoking and drinking.

And reading those

infernal detective stories.

House just smells

of liquor and smoke.

There he goes again to the saloon

to read that silly detective magazine.

Mother's right.

You've been smoking again in your room.

Imagine a man who takes money out of

a child's piggy bank, puts in I.O.U.s.

Don't you dare strike that child!

You put that down!

Og, I'd like you to meet

my father.

Father, this is Og Oggilby.

Og Oggilby.

Sounds like a bubble in a bathtub.

- I'm glad to have met ya.

- Mighty glad to have met you.

Your father seems awfully nice.

Yes... we think so.

What seems to be

the trouble?

Are you carrying the proper amount

of air in the tires?

Had the brakes tested lately?

'Course it may be the wheelbase.

- The tools.

- Why don't you go away and mind your own business?

Listen to the gentleman

attentively, James.

- Be polite!

- Thank you, madam.

Gimme the shift expander.

I'll fix it.

- A what?

- Monkey wrench.

Give the gentleman

what he asks for, James.

Ow!

Here's all you gotta do.

Just open up this nut here.

I was down to Cape Cod

most of that year.

Say, you oughta Vaseline this place

in here or move the post over.

I have half interest in

a cod liver oil mine down in Cape Cod.

Snowed all winter.

We did a lot of boondoggling.

You ever boondoggle, Joe?

No, I can't say that I have.

These cloves are pretty dry.

Better sprinkle 'em with alcohol.

How you do?

- Meet you at the Elks Club several weeks ago?

- No.

Never did, eh?

- Ever do any boondoggling?

- No. Gimme a beer.

Never have, eh?

Mine's a poultice.

Never done boondoggling.

Must've been another fella,

I guess.

Take off your hat

in the presence of a gentleman.

Well, here she goes.

Down the hatch.

I tell you, he's drunk, Q. Q.

Said he had trouble

with his wife.

Yes. We have tried.

But he isn't sober.

The best I can.

But you don't understand, Q. Q.

Hello?

"The best I can. "

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

What can you give me for

shattered nerves? I got the jitters.

If the gentleman has butterflies in

his stomach, I suggest a dash of rover.

- Rover?

- Dog. Absinthe.

It's very good for the nerves.

- That's fine.

- Thank you.

That's just what I needed.

My name's Greene.

Mackley Q Greene.

And a man more beset by trouble,

you'll never see. Again.

I'm here in Lompoc

on a movie location.

My director started on a bender last

night, and that's good for ten days.

We got a 36-hour schedule

and a stinko script.

It's a one-reeler, and it opens in

this very town the day after tomorrow.

You're yelling

right down my alley.

In the old Sennett days,

I used to direct Fatty Arbuckle,

Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton

and the rest of 'em.

I can't get the Celluloid

outta my blood.

Nights, I used to tend bar.

Would you entertain a proposition

to direct this picture?

Take a gambler's chance

on a percentage of the profits?

Um, um, yes, just a moment.

Was I in here last night,

and did I spend a $20 bill?

Yeah.

Oh, boy! What a load

that is off my mind.

I thought I'd lost it.

Here you are.

Keep the change.

I've got a script I've had

in mothballs for 20 years.

I read it to Irving and Milton

who run the cinema here.

They said to me, "Sous, it's

better than 'Gone With the Wind'."

- My car's outside. Let's get down on the set.

- Okay.

I'll bring the glasses back later.

Take a note, please.

Oh, Mr. Clam,

it's good for you.

- Mr. Greene, he's tight as a snare drum.

- We won't bother with him.

- Mr. Sous will take over the direction.

- Fine. Glad to meet ya.

Glad to know you.

Must've been a gnat.

Here comes Francois

and Miss Plupp.

Oh, yeah.

Hi. This is Miss Plupp,

I take it.

Oh.

And you are Francois?

This is Mr. Sous. He's taking over

the direction of the picture.

Did you sleep well

last night?

Oh, I...

Maybe un peu?

Comme ci, comme ca.

I don't know whether this part is suited

to my personality or not.

Don't give it a thought.

I changed everything.

Instead of it being

an English drawing room drama,

I've made it

a circus picture.

Don't just sit there!

Take down everything he says.

- Good morning, Mr. Greene.

- Aaah!

It's Saturday afternoon.

You make touchdown

after touchdown.

You kick goals.

You make passes.

You make the longest run with the ball

that was ever made on the field.

In these clothes?

Um, you could

change your hat.

Take it easy there.

That's all right.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Just take it easy.

He sees you

in the $50 seats.

He immediately falls in love with ya.

Can't take his eyes off ya.

- How can he play base... ball,

- Foot.

- And watch me in the grandstand?

- Wait. It's part of the plot.

Attaboy.

That's swell.

Now you're doin' good.

We'll play the scene

very digni... fied.

Service, please.

Come on, boys, come on.

- It's him.

- For the love of Pete!

Attention.

We'll just walk

through this thing.

Take it, Miss Plupp,

where you come out of the grandstand.

- He makes me sick.

- Shall I bounce a rock off his head?

- Respect your father. What kind of a rock?

- Oh, shut up.

You're both madly in love

with each other.

Embrace.

- Is she standing in a hole?

- No, sir.

Read your lines.

When does this thing stop?

It's all right.

You're doing all right.

Got any cigars, kid?

You know the brand.

We're making

motion picture history.

I want quiet!

Quiet from everybody!

Pa's drunk again.

Cut that out. Take your dirty hands

off me and get back to your places.

Here.

Give this that

"number-seven" expression.

- "Those eyes! Those ears!"

- I wanna be in a picture.

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