The Cat's Meow Page #3

- Making sure her productions...

- What's in it for you?

The stories in Cosmopolitan

and other magazines, for starters.

Hmm...

It's not that I doubt your

background in the business, Tom.

On the contrary... that's just where

it's been lately, in the background.

You have to admit, you're not

the force you were five years ago.

That maybe true

of both of us, WR.

But I think we both have

different strengths

to help

the other's weaknesses.

No offense, Tom...

But if I'm in trouble I don't need

a cripple to help me up.

Ha! Gotcha!

Look at him fall.

Splash.

That's the one that tried

to get away before. Stupid bird!

You've ever eaten a seagull, Tom?

- No.

- They taste awful.

Just like eating a crow.

Are you gonna let me in?

I'll kick the door in.

I'll kick your teeth in.

- Come to my room then.

- Your room?

I mean it. I have a love letter

that needs proofreading.

Why don't you have Lita

proofread it?

- She's not old enough to read.

- How could I forget?

Admit it. You're in love

with me, aren't you?

Not as much as you are

with you, Charlie.

Oh, Doctor. There's something

I wanted to ask you.

Every time I eat grapes

I get extreme palpitations.

I wouldn't worry about it.

My heart starts pounding

and then I break out in a rash.

Everything all right, Chief?

Everything's just fine.

I can't believe he still

only let us have one drink.

Well, Didi, it is illegal.

Yeah, but not for us.

You had yours?

I'm saving it for later

when I'll really need it.

"I don't need a cripple."

He actually said that to you?

Nice way to treat

the guest of honor, huh?

If I had the same mean streak,

I'd throw that fling

Marion and Chaplin are having

right on his face.

- Marion and Chaplin?

- Saw them holding hands on deck.

Notice they're the only ones

we're still waiting for.

I advise you

to keep it to yourself.

- I know, I'm a decent man.

- I need my escort, if you don't mind.

I hope you were not waiting for me

to eat your appetizers.

Since you've decided

to grace us with your presence,

perhaps you'd have the decency

to tell us where to sit.

If Willie had it his way,

he'd talk business all night.

So you, Mr. Birthday Boy,

will sit at my end of the table.

And Willie, why don't we have

Charlie sit by you

- To keep you laughing all night?

- Or is that vice versa?

Now, Charlie,

hold your tongue.

And your seat.

You got me, WR.

I've done it to many people,

but never had it done to me.

How does it feel?

Invigorating.

Get over here, Lolly.

Sit down.

That was hysterical, Mr. Hearst.

Good band, huh?

Especially

the saxophone player, eh?

Yeah, isn't he...

ooh, you caught me.

So, Big Joe, what have you

been up to since I saw you last?

Well, I saw you

in "Lady of the Harem."

Ohh, you did, huh?

And what did your mama

think about that?

Well, Mama was sitting

on my lap.

You're a dirty, dirty boy.

I should forget about him

if I were you.

Pardon me?

Married moguls and mistresses

don't mix, Margaret.

Oh, it's rather good.

I must use that in a novel.

- Have you got a pen?

- Yes.

Marion, not even a teensy weensy

bit of business talk?

What is it, Tom?

I'm trying to negotiate

a deal with WR,

and you gotta tell me the secret.

How do you get through to him?

- You want to know my secret?

- Uh-huh.

I don't have to do

a goddamn thing.

I don't follow you.

People have funny ideas

about me and Willie.

- The whole gold-digger thing.

- No, no, no! I didn't mean...

The truth is,

Willie did the pursuing.

He used to buy two seats every night

when I was in the Follies.

One for him

and one for his hat.

I never once asked him

to put me in a picture.

It would take more to get him

to stop putting me in his pictures.

That's my secret, Tom.

With Willie, I don't have to dig.

So, your husband

is Mr. Frank Barham?

- Yes, he certainly is.

- Hello, darling.

- Who's that?

- That's Mr. Barham.

Oh, I thought maybe

your lover was on board. Too bad.

- Dan, don't be modest.

- Oh, no.

Mr. Hearst takes full responsibility

for Cosmopolitan Pictures.

Everyone knows you're one

of his top executives.

I'm actually a physician by trade.

- Oh, you're a doctor?

- Semi-retired.

Oh nice. Very...

Medicinal.

Maybe I should ask you.

What do you think, Charlie,

about Marion's pictures,

how we've been handling her?

I don't think you've recognized

that she's a wonderful comedienne.

I mean, her eyes, her smile,

her laugh. She's a delight.

Comedy... I don't want people

laughing at Marion.

Well, she doesn't need

any more stodgy period dramas.

Excuse me, but Marion belongs

in serious, important pictures,

certainly not running around

in baggy pants comedy.

No offense, Charlie.

Excuse me, you're not doing

what's right for Marion.

No offense, WR.

I'd like to make a toast.

It's usually Willie's job,

but as you know,

a few weeks ago, us gals,

we got to vote for president again.

So I figured I can do

whatever the hell I darn well please.

Here's to our birthday boy.

Not only did Tom

invent the cowboy picture,

but he helped build this town.

He figured out how to run

a studio that could make

- 1 0 movies at the same time.

- And took credit for all of them!

Oh, Willie!

- To Tom!

- To Tom!

Thank you.

That was very sweet.

Mr. Hearst,

I just want to say,

it's so wonderful

to be here.

The more I see

the lovely people of California

the more I'm reminded

of the need for a columnist...

You know, Lolly, the first rule

of California living

is never to mix

business with pleasure.

Now, what were you saying?

Oh, uh...

I was just saying it's so...

wonderful to see

all these fascinating people

assembled in one place.

You see, Charlie?

That's why I've hired her.

Even with a gun

to her head

she still gives me

unconditionally rave reviews.

As long as nobody

pulls the trigger...

What are you laughing about

down there?

It was the funniest thing ever!

it was all about...

there was a gun at my head

and somebody

pulled the trigger!

Guns and triggers, such violence!

All in line with Madame Elinor's

California Curse.

California Curse?

What's that?

Not that nasty thing.

Not now.

Yes, Elinor,

do educate our visitor.

The California Curse

strikes you like a disease

the minute you set foot in Hollywood,

so pay close attention.

Oh, I am, I am.

You see,

this place you've arrived in,

this place we call home,

isn't a place at all,

but a living creature.

A living creature?!

More precisely, an evil wizard.

Like in the old stories.

- And you all live on him?

- Like fleas on the belly of a mutt.

Exactly.

But unlike the helpless dog,

this wizard is able to banish

the true personalities

of those he bewitches,

forcing them against their will

to carry out his command,

to forget

the land of their birth,

the purpose of their journey,

and whatever principles

they once held dear.

Don't forget about the symptoms,

that's my favorite part.

The curse is taking hold of you

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