The Cat's Meow Page #5

- Oh God!

Which one of my pictures

is she bashing now?

- I'll leave it here for you.

- No, no, go ahead and read it.

"Charlie Chaplin

continues to pay

ardent attention

to Marion Davies.

He's spent the evening

at Montmartre dining and dancing

with the fair Marion

the other night.

There was a lovely young dancer

entertaining that evening.

And Charlie applauded

but with his back turned.

He never took his eyes off

Marion's blonde beauty.

Miss Davies looked

very fetching indeed."

Photos?

Studio close-ups

of each of them.

- Placed side by side?

- Yeah.

Caption?

"They're still seen around

with each other."

I'll leave it here for you.

Fine, fine.

You can go now.

- Shall I make a call?

- Get out!!

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

Two men starving to death

decide to eat their hair

like spaghetti. Is that funny?

Hmm... well,

it depends whether by "funny,"

you want to make people laugh.

Sarcasm doesn't

suit your hat, Elinor.

I want to show you

something absolutely fantastic.

Bring the cannon out here!

Ladies, don't be frightened.

Mr. Cannonball!

Bring it up here, boys.

How is it going?

Stop.

Get back, boys.

Get out of the way.

Put those down there.

- Ready, Mr. Cannonball?

- I'm ready.

All right. Get back,

you'll get blown up.

Only us brave performers

are gonna stay up here.

- Ready, Mr. Cannonball?

- I'm ready!

Amazing!

Amazing, amazing!

Every single time! By jingles!

I don't know how many times

I've seen you do that

but it never

ceases to amaze me.

I believe I saw you before

on Catalina last summer.

Yep. Catalina,

up and down the coast from Frisco

clear on down to Ensenada.

Wherever you see a cannonball

hit a man's stomach

and you see that same man

walk away on both legs,

you're seeing me.

Didn't I tell you?

- Tom, that was good.

- Wonderful.

You've seen it

1 00 times...

How many more times

do you suppose it'll take

before the cannonball explodes

through the poor man's back?

I don't know, but Hearst will be there

with a match in his hand.

That is what

he's waiting to see.

George.

You know, Margaret,

there's a certain

unspoken bond

between single women who

are trapped on a yacht together.

What Didi wants to know is,

is it true

you're Tom Ince's lover?

- I beg your pardon?

- I think he's very attractive.

Not to mention influential.

He's a little short,

but then every man in this town

is much smaller

than you'd like him to be.

Excuse me.

Have you lost your mind?!

I've tried your approach.

It doesn't work.

I have to show him I can handle

his private life too.

- Marion only affects him.

- By proving Marion's unfaithful?!

Which will make him

hate you forever.

I know you're looking

for some harpoon,

but this one

is dangerously double-edged.

- Tom, we need to talk.

- Not now, Margaret.

Look...

Hi, everyone!

Did I miss it?

Marion!

- He can do it again.

- Shut up.

Oh, you just missed it!

It's amazing how I manage

to miss it every time.

Hello. I don't think

we've been properly introduced.

I'm Jessica Barham,

Frank Barham's wife.

- Margaret Livingston.

- Charmed.

And what is it

that you do?

I'm Tom Ince's lover.

You're listening

to KFI's studio orchestra

with our weekend

musical number,

Right here

on the voice of the southland.

Willie?

WR!

I've been looking

all over for you.

How about that tour

you've been promising?

- Oh, yeah.

- I've been meaning to tell you...

I have news...

If you were starving and had no food,

would you eat your shoe?

- What?!

- Your shoe. Would you eat it?

- Of course I would.

- You would?

- I'd have to boil it.

- That's funny.

Well, this isn't.

Oohh!

Daily News gets the scoop.

Embarrassing for Willie,

not even a Hearst newspaper.

If Willie asks you, I want you

to tell him what I've told him,

- That it's all cheap gossip.

- You lie if you want to,

if he asks me I'll look right

in those impotent eyes

and tell him I want to take

his girl, rip off her dress...

Don't!!

Don't punish me

for being with Willie!

You're scared 'cause you can't

admit that you love me.

I can say it!

I love you, Marion!

- I love Willie!

- He could never love only you!

He has his papers and his

politicians and his wife and kids.

I can give you all my love.

Did you promise Lita

all your love

and then take it away

now that she's pregnant?!

That was a mistake!

My fascination with Lita

is caused by some part of me

that's trying to tear my life apart.

But I could never love her.

I could never marry her.

If I did it would destroy

- Everything I've worked for.

- It's all about you, Charlie!

No. I came from nothing!

You have no idea what poverty is.

I know what dirt

tastes like and you don't!

Everything I've worked for,

I've earned myself!

Yeah, and Willie

had nothing to do with it?

You wanna know about Willie?

Willie can always be trusted.

I give to him

because he doesn't demand it.

He doesn't demand it?

He expects it!

- Go to hell!

- Here's my mansion and my yacht,

here's my Marion Davies

all stuffed and mounted.

But Marion could never

leave the castle

'cause if she did she'd realize

she'd never really lived.

Why are you doing this to me?

Because we're meant to be.

Just words...

No, passion!

I don't mean

passion for... yachts

or gin or dope

or the goddamn Charleston!

I'm talking about...

I'm talking about...

Now that,

boy, that is

a thing of beauty, WR.

I tell you,

I may be married to Nell,

but boating is my secret love.

What? Oh, yes.

Secret love.

And this boat...

has always

made me happy. Calm.

My God,

it practically purrs!

When I come down here,

this sound calms me.

You're a civilized man, WR.

Why does that surprise you?

Because, you have the power

to act uncivilized.

You could overstep the rules,

but you don't.

Before I'd call you

a rich or a powerful man,

I'd simply call you decent.

Thank you, Tom.

I'm not just saying that.

It's amazing to me

how civilized

you've been

behaving all weekend.

I mean... considering.

Considering what?

Well, it's clear...

Chaplin has designs on Marion.

I mean...

the nerve of him

flirting so blatantly.

After you.

Everyone knows

what he's up to.

It must be so infuriating.

Yes, I have everything

under control.

What do you mean "everyone"?

What?

You just said "everyone" knows.

Who's everyone?

Well...

everyone on this boat

for example.

If someone

was coming after my Nell,

I don't know that

I'd be able to exercise such...

impressive restraint.

You always

have to keep control.

Otherwise you're

just like everybody else.

Excuse me...

Could I get into the library?

Damn! I locked it!

Sorry about that, Dan.

I'll see you up top, Tom.

"Up Top, Tom," try to say

that three times fast.

WR?

Thanks for the weekend.

Ohh.

Thanks for playing with me.

Don't mention it.

It really is

rather dull, isn't it?

What is?

Ping-pong.

- I thought you wanted to play.

- I did. I want to get better.

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