The Caveman's Valentine

Don't you watch me!

You think you're going to crawl

into my brain and see a show?

Is that what I am?

Is that what you think?

What I think, Mr. Ledbetter,

is the temperature's dropping.

Well, I got legions of angels

up here, like little moths,

and they're going to beat the

hell out of you with their wings.

Freaks.

I'm gonna crap you out,

Stuyvesant!

- Who-Who's Stuyvesant?

- You're Stuyvesant.

I'm not Stuyvesant.

- I'm with the department of social services.

- No, you're a zit...

on Stuyvesant's ass, but

you're Stuyvesant just the same.

You're all Stuyvesant.

Tell him...

don't send no more no-face errand boys

to catch me, 'cause I hear ya coming.

I hear your chains, clink, clink.

You sound like defeat.

You even smell like defeat.

You smell like,

like degradation.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Caveman.

Hey, yo, Caveman. Give

us a f***ing tirade, yo.

Yo, what's that f***er

Stuyvesant up to, man?

Help you?

I don't know you.

No, no, no.

You on your own, son.

You got your troubles,

I got mine.

Do I look like

I can help you, huh?

Help you? I don't even

know who the f*** you are.

All right, Michael,

thank you.

Mr.? Mr.?

Got a pencil?

A pencil? What do you want a pencil for?

I wanna balance it

on the end of my nose.

You want to

write something?

I got a pen.

Hey, keep it.

What the hey, right?

Can I ask what

you're writing there?

You want your pen back?

No, no, no.

It's okay.

- You a musician or a...

- Mm-hmm.

- What do you play?

- My skull.

- I used to play piano.

- You had a piano, huh?

There were a great many

at the school I attended.

- What school did you go to?

- Julliard.

Julliard?

You went to Julliard, huh?

How the hell

did you wind up here?

I'm here because that bastard

wants me here.

What bastard?

Don't play stupid. The bastard

that lives in that tower.

He sits in his tower,

and he watches.

And what he sees,

he doesn't like.

I mean, it curls his stinking,

rancid blood what he sees.

And what he sees

is a free man!

That old Stuyvesant,

you know what he says to that?

He says, "We're gonna

crush that n*gger.

Oh, yeah, send some Y-rays

that n*gger's way. "

Don't back off, pinstripes,

you f***ing coward.

Stuyvesant's gone and laced

your mind with Y-rays.

You're living like

a jackrabbit.

Oh, yeah, run, Stuyvesant.

But I see ya.

Stuyvesant!

You see me? Well, I see

you right f***ing back!

What lies are you

telling us now?

- Yep?

- Lulu, listen to me.

- Romulus?

- Stuyvesant killed someone.

Where's he calling from?

- Tell her I'm home.

- He got a phone in that cave now?

Tell her, my home is not a

mansion, but it suits me fine.

He freezes to death, I'm

not paying for his funeral.

She says

- I heard her. Listen, Lulu,

this time

I've got the evidence.

You do, huh?

There's a body

outside my cave.

That's rough, Rom. Listen,

I just pulled a night shift.

I am sound asleep.

Please, child.

Please, just come on over.

I know what

you're thinking.

But this dead thing

he left outside my cave, it's real.

It's so shiny real,

it hurts the eyes.

...believed to be another

victim of the Arctic cold wave.

The dead man was identified

as Scott Gates, 20 years old,

unemployed and homeless.

Oh, that sucked.

Can I go again?

A young man has been found frozen

to death here in Inwood Park.

You saw this no-face prop the

body in the tree? That's right.

But you were in there

in your bed the whole time?

How'd you see all this?

I told you,

I saw it on my TV.

What kind of shows

you get on that TV?

All of them. The whole heady

broth of American culture, right?

- You get cable?

- Lieutenant.

Can I talk to you for

a moment? Yeah, sure.

Look, I know this guy.

I've seen him around.

He's completely delusional.

- Why don't we just...

- Get your hands off her!

Take it easy, pal, we're

just having a little chat.

Don't touch my daughter,

squashface. Ever!

Your daughter?

This man is your father?

Why didn't you

say something?

Maybe I don't meet her

momentous expectations.

But I'm still a witness. I know who

the murderer is. Now you write it!

Write what? The name of the

murderer, which you already know.

- Cornelius Gould Stuyvesant, now write it!

- Daddy!

Tell him to write it.

I can't tell him anything,

he's my boss.

Hey, what the hell, pal, that's

the way I like 'em, open and shut.

How do you spell Stuyvesant?

You know how to

spell it.

Aah!

Go ahead and kill me.

For Christ's sake, Rom.

- I'm dead already.

- Matthew?

- It's you who found him, wasn't it?

- Found who?

Scotty.

He knew they were

going to kill him.

Matthew, you're shivering.

I don't care.

You're too cold.

I loved him, Rom.

I wanna die too.

Okay. Okay.

Not right now, okay?

Come on.

They killed him, Rom. He was

just too beautiful for them.

Ah, God, Rom, wasn't...

wasn't he beautiful?

He was dead

when I saw him.

Yeah, but...

you met him.

The dead kid?

I don't think so.

Well, he knew you.

He said you weren't afraid

to speak the truth.

No sh*t, Rom.

He called you "The Voice. "

- He did?

- He was just a kid.

He was f***ing innocent till that

bastard got his f***ing hands on him.

Stuyvesant?

David Leppenraub.

- Who?

- David Leppenraub.

Don't you know, Rom?

The photographer?

I mean, he's f***ing famous. He

does these pictures of angels,

and everyone's always going on about

how beautiful Leppenraub's angels are.

And, yeah, they're beautiful

because they're Scotty.

Scotty was

Leppenraub's model?

He was his f***ing slave.

He was so ashamed of the pictures,

he wouldn't even show them to me.

That bastard took him up

to his farm, tortured him,

got him strung out on dope.

He-He even branded him, Rom.

He burned a heart

on Scotty's ass.

And then when he was done with him, he threw

him away, like a f***ing piece of trash.

I found him on the street

like that, you know?

I didn't care.

He was still beautiful.

He was beautiful to me.

But he couldn't let it go, you know?

All the sh*t that happened to him.

He kept telling me that he

had this tape of the torture.

He was going to get a bunch of

money from Leppenraub for it.

That's what got him killed.

You tell the cops this,

Matthew?

Come on, Rom,

look at me.

Who do you think they're

going to believe, huh?

Me?

Or the great

David Leppenraub?

What sins have you committed?

Y- rays.

They're listening.

There's nothing you can do,

Matthew.

You and me, we're too small.

He knows that.

He likes that.

You know him?

You know Leppenraub?

I don't have to know him.

I know the man he works for.

You have any-any sins

to confess, my child?

Come on, Rom,

I feel ridiculous enough.

You can call me Daddy,

no one listening.

So what are we

doing here, Daddy?

Suppose I-I told you I knew

who killed Scotty Gates?

You did tell me

and my boss.

Just-Just hear me out.

Suppose I told you that Scotty Gates

was killed by a very famous artist?

And suppose I found a way to slip

you his name? David Leppenraub?

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