The Change-Up Page #11
that she put in there
three semesters ago.
How much more do you think
we can get out of them?
Ten million? Fifteen?
Pull those panties to the side,
Ted, and take a hundred more.
What?
Do not listen to him, Ted.
He is beyond reckless.
If we make too large a counter
offer, we risk driving them away.
Ted, it doesn't hurt to ask.
You would not
believe the nasty sh*t
just by asking.
Honestly, it's revolting.
It does seem odd that
they're not leaving.
Punch her in the seat.
You can tell Kinkabe we
want an extra 100 million.
And that is our final offer,
because we're leaving.
Fuel the jet, let's go.
For the record, I did not support
that decision. (ERIN SHOUTING)
Sir!
Sir, Mr. Kinkabe has
agreed to $725 million.
The deal is closed!
(WHOOPING)
Oh, my God!
(ALL CHEERING)
What did I tell you?
(ALL CHATTERING)
(LAUGHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Wow.
Are you glad
you came now?
Am I glad I came?
It's like the greatest day of my life!
(LAUGHING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Where did that come from?
Hang on, hang on,
I got it.
Oh, no, they are
going to call it.
MITCH:
Man, this is amazing.I can't believe they're making me partner.
I'm the greatest
lawyer, ever.
What a day. (LAUGHS)
So, now you can be happy.
Do you think they are
going to give me a medal?
Could you imagine
an engraved sword?
Honestly, I'd be happy
with anything engraved.
A sword or a spear.
Even a shield
would be good.
Slap it, Cara. Cara.
FLEMMING:
We aregathered here tonight
to celebrate the newest
partner in our esteemed firm.
David Andrew Lockwood
was born on March 25th, 1974.
By all accounts,
Dave was a sweet,
diligent,
hardworking little boy.
(LAUGHING)
Wow.
Yeah, I know.
I love it.
Why?
It reminds me
of high school.
I feel like I'm about
to lose my virginity.
(LAUGHS) Bathroom?
Yeah, right there.
(MOUTHING)
Do you want
a drink or something?
(STAMMERS) Or warm clothes
or I can get you a drink?
No, it's okay.
We'll have one after.
Okay. After what?
Relax, Mitch, you're going to
get laid tonight. (LAUGHS)
FLEMMING:
In high school, Davegraduated first in his class.
After winning a full
scholarship to Princeton,
Dave, amazingly,
graduated in just three years.
And after graduating from
Yale Law School with honors,
Dave clerked
for Justice Souter
on the United
States Supreme Court.
Work is hard.
I like going
to baseball games
and drinking too much, and getting
tattoos at 3:
00 in the morning.Yeah.
Boot. Take it off.
We were not put on this earth
to work, breed and die.
No, we were not...
Don't interrupt me, handsome.
We are here
to have fun.
Right?
Yeah.
Boot.
I just think there's
too many rules.
Think about all the amazing
experiences that we miss out on
because we're so worried about
Why can't I be a professional,
successful woman
who sleeps with
someone she just met?
You know?
I haven't heard
a word you said
since you took
your pants off.
Shirt.
Shirt.
You smell like lemons.
(LAUGHS) I do
smell like lemons.
Oh, God, you're nervous.
I like that.
Your leg is shaking.
That's not my leg.
Take off my bra.
All Of it?
Just the parts
covering the breasts.
That's a good start.
(DAVE GRUNTS)
Oh, that's great.
At the end of the day...
Holy sh*t!
...I am just tired of
over-thinking things.
I'm tired of
over-thinking things, too.
We should just do
what we want to do.
Let's do it.
Let's just do it.
FLEMMING:
The only thing Daveloves more than the law
is his beautiful wife, Jamie.
Their life is
like a fairy tale
made even more perfect by their
three adorable children.
(DISTANTLY) So, as we celebrate
one partnership tonight...
Look, Daddy,
it's you and me.
(INDISTINCT)
...would bring most
men to their knees,
but not Dave.
He excelled on all fronts,
putting the rest
of us to shame.
I didn't earn this.
The /aw may be the first
thing on Dave's mind,
but his family has always been
What should we do
with each other, Mitch?
Oh, God, everything.
(LAUGHS)
We could...
Is that a...
Is that a many-spotted
skipperling?
Yeah.
Mmm.
You can have
whatever you want.
What do you want to do?
I want to go home.
What?
I want to go home.
What? I don't...
I got a meeting.
I got to go.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Lockwood residence.
Where is Dave?
Dave is at the country club.
They made him partner.
(CARS HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
FLEMMING:
A brilliant attorney,
loving husband,
devoted father.
It is my distinct honor
to introduce to you,
our newest partner,
David Lockwood.
Way to go, Dave.
Congratulations, Dave.
You deserve it.
This is not my life.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
ls she kissing
the wrong guy?
I know it's weird.
Just go with it.
We tried to tell you.
You ready to take a piss?
You bet your ass I am.
I love you, pumpkin.
(EXHALES)
(HORNS BLARING)
Are you sure
this is the address?
Yeah, this is the place.
You got to be kidding me.
Oh, wow.
Jesus Christ, it's like the
whole city is in here tonight.
Okay, let's just do this.
Come on.
How are we supposed
to get this done?
You just be super cool...
(BOTH UNZIPPING) ...
and don't draw attention to yourself.
Why aren't you peeing?
I got a lot of
people around me.
Don't yell at me.
I'm all locked up.
No one is even looking at us.
We're fine.
Mommy, that man is
peeing in the fountain!
(ALL MURMURING)
Oh, my God.
The cat is out of the bag, buddy.
You got to go now.
Why don't you take a picture?
Mitch!
Come on!
It's snipped.
Mitch! Mitch!
By the way, why didn't you invite
me to your anniversary party?
Okay, look...
I feel really
bad about that
but can we talk about
that at another time?
There is a girl scout
staring at my penis.
I want to talk
about it right now.
Really?
Are you embarrassed of me?
I'm sorry.
Yeah. Yeah, I was.
But I'm not any more.
I'm actually
proud of you, Mitch.
Really?
Really.
(GROANS IN RELIEF)
(CROWD GASPING)
Attaboy!
I think that's what
had me all locked up.
Hey!
Sh*t, we got
security on us.
We got to do
this right now.
Three, two, one...
BOTH:
I wish I hadmy old life back!
What did they say?
Do you feel any different?
No, go again.
BOTH:
I wish I hadmy old life back!
Oh, sh*t!
Come on, guy!
We are running out of time here.
Three, two, one...
BOTH:
I wish I hadmy old life back!
MITCH:
Bingo! DAVE: Nice!Let's go, this way!
I'm peeing all over people,
slow down!
WOMAN:
Watch it!MITCH:
Excuse me,I'm sorry. Pardon me.
(ALL MURMURING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BABY CRYING)
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
Pumpkin! Pumpkin, I'm back.
Pumpkin, wake up.
Can you wake up, baby?
I'm back, I'm back.
Oh, my God, I missed you so much.
Oh, honey.
Okay, I owe you an
explanation for last night.
I owe you an apology
0 fans
Submitted on August 05, 2018
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