The Change-Up Page #12
for this week.
And most importantly, I owe you
a fix for the last five years.
Honey, things are
changing, I promise.
You and the kids mean everything to me.
Nothing is more important.
In fact, I'm going
to quit my job.
I'm going to work today,
I'm going to quit my job.
I'm going to apply
to Kinko's, all right?
Or maybe Chick-fil-A or Waffle House?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on, just a second.
Foot Locker?
It is the middle
of the night. Shh.
All right, I don't know what's
going on with you two dorks.
That's enough.
I don't want you
to quit your job.
What are you
talking about?
You love your job
and you love the law.
I love that about you.
I just want you to
come home for dinner.
I know.
And Dialogue Night.
And to see the kids.
And I want you
to want to be here.
I do. You have no idea.
You don't have
to get all, like,
"I'm going
to quit my job."
(BABY RESUMES CRYING)
It's my turn.
No, no, no.
Back to bed.
They're mine.
I love you.
Hi!
Look who's up.
Good morning.
Hi, my little man.
(LAUGHING) And how are you
this morning, little princess?
Good morning.
How was your sleep?
Yeah, I know.
Okay, she's first.
She's a little
bit more vocal.
Right?
Are you trying to tell me
you've got a little surprise?
Did you make me
something special?
Daddy.
Hi, sugarbug,
come here.
Give me a hug, sweetie.
(GROANS) Good morning.
You smell like a pillow.
Stay here, talk to me.
Sit on that chair.
Tell me about school.
I want to know what you
learned yesterday, okay?
And I want
to hear everything.
Did you know that atoms are
smaller than a grain of sand?
How amazing is that?
So amazing!
And everything on this
planet is made out of atoms.
Which is kind
of strange
because I think that means that
I'm the same as a piece of fruit
or a fish
or this chair!
(GASPS)
I'm me. God, I'm me.
Thank you. Thank you.
God, look at that.
Gorgeous!
God, it's so good
to be back!
Oh, yeah.
Welcome home.
I missed you.
Look at that,
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
(ZIPPING UP)
Hi.
I left my purse.
But you left your
phone in your purse.
Yeah.
Right.
I just wanted to apologize,
because I know
that I probably came off a
little aggressive last night,
and I just
wanted to say sorry.
No.
Don't apologize.
I apologize.
I probably came off
a little gay last night.
I hope you will allow me the opportunity
to straighten things out for you.
Hey, guess what?
It's breakfast time.
Do you want to
get some breakfast?
Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here in the sight of God
to unite this man and
this woman in the...
(TIRES SCREECH)
Mitch, you came.
I'm very, very touched.
Thank you.
You're welcome, Dad.
Ooh!
F*** me!
This must be my new mom.
Hi, Mitch Planko.
Good. Thank you.
She's holding onto me.
Okay, good, let go.
Keep away from him.
The man's a pervert.
ALL:
Happy anniversary,Jamie and Dave!
For those of you who don't know
me, my name is Mitch Planko.
I was that nut sack's
best man 10 years ago.
Here we go.
When we were kids, Dave and I,
we had a lot of big plans.
Dave, he was going
to be an astronaut,
and I was going to sell
dolphins on the black market.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SCOFFS) Astronaut!
There's a reason I'm
not selling dolphins.
We live in Atlanta,
they're tough to find.
And those things,
they don't sleep,
which also makes it
real hard to catch them.
But I think
that we all know
that life doesn't always turn
out exactly how you plan it.
Sometimes,
just sometimes,
it turns out better.
Dave, /think
there's a reason
that you're not wa/king
on the moon right now.
in your life,
with that incredible woman
sitting beside you.
Can we please raise
our Kamikaze shots
to my two best friends,
please?
To Dave and Jamie.
ALL:
Dave and Jamie!Happy anniversary.
ALL:
Happy anniversary!How did I do?
You're such a poet.
You're Robert Frost.
Who?
It doesn't matter.
God, you're good looking.
Yeah.
I'm going to meet you in five minutes.
All right.
Okay.
I took care
of you guys, huh?
We love you.
Oh... (LAUGHS)
Come on. Really?
Hey, buddy.
I love you.
I love you, man.
How are things going
at home? Good?
Yeah. I mean, come on.
Yeah. Yeah, it's great.
It's fantastic.
Good.
Yeah.
What about you?
What about Sabrina?
Good. It's good.
We're taking things slow, but it's good.
Is it weird that
I miss your penis?
Come on. It would be
weird if you didn't.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
JAMIE:
What are we doing here?We're doing this.
Huh?
A little treat
from Uncle Mitch.
Do you remember
how to do this?
(LAUGHING) okay.
Oh.
I know.
Mmm.
(COUGHING)
it's fun,
though, right?
Yay! Let's go look at some fish.
Okay.
MITCH:
Oh, God!(BOTH MOANING)
(MITCH EXCLAIMING)
SABRINA:
Oh, my God!Ow! What the hell was that? Oh.
Explain yourself!
You've never heard
of the Bryant Gumbel?
(PANTING) Let's do
that again.
(SABRINA GIGGLING)
Why?
Mitch sent us a video.
Yeah? That's weird.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
No entry!
Steve Driver,
you perfect bastard, you!
(UNZIPPING)
(MONA EXCLAIMING)
Oh, no.
Oh, Steve, it's like
Christmas in my ass!
What are you doing
with my wife, man?
DAVE:
Dimitri?VALTAN:
Hey, join the f*** party.Let's make lady sandwich.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Not very well made, huh?
When was that shot? Who Knows?
Probably years ago.
"Thank you for covering me last week.
Love what you did with my hair."
Hey!
(JAMIE GASPS)
(CLATTERING)
You got with a man?
Dimitri was surprisingly
gentle, and we were very safe.
Uh-huh.
He smelt a little
like lamb, though.
No. God, please, don't!
It did.
Oh, God.
Dave?
What?
Can you change my oil?
(CHUCKLING)
No, I can't!
tomorrow, I swear to God.
And we're gonna destroy that thing
first thing in the morning. Okay?
I don't want you to.
I like it.
Hey, hey! Oh!
It's growing in so nicely.
Yeah.
Real in-between phase.
It's like Sonny Crockett
down there.
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"The Change-Up" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 27 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_change-up_5298>.
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