The Damned Don't Cry Page #3

Excuse me.

What do you get headaches from?

I beg your pardon?

I said, what do you get headaches from?

The heat, I guess.

It'll disappear in a minute.

- Is there anything I can do for you?

- Yeah, you can give me a cigarette.

Of course.

- Thank you.

- Don't you smoke?

I'm trying to limit myself

to half a pack a day.

So what do you save? A dime.

You'll never get rich that way.

No, but I might get a lot healthier.

There's room for improvement.

CPAs never get enough exercise.

What's that?

- Exercise?

- No, I mean that other word.

CPA. Certified public accountant.

I'm with Tuttle and Wagner.

We're tax consultants.

- We take care of your auditing.

- My what?

Your books and records.

I mean, the firm's.

Why haven't I seen you

around here before?

I only come over about once a month.

Usually on a Saturday afternoon.

I'm usually off Saturdays.

So there you are. It must be fate.

What?

Fate. F-A-T-E.

I'm afraid I really have to get back to work.

What if you don't?

Well, the Secretary of the Treasury

won't like it, neither will your boss.

It's my job to keep them both happy.

You do all that with nothing but this?

- It takes a little of this, too.

- I'll bet.

How much of that is it gonna take today?

I'll be here till 9:00, 10:00.

When do you eat?

Whenever I finish.

That's what's giving you those headaches.

Skip a meal, you gotta take an aspirin.

Too many aspirins, you got an ulcer.

First thing you know,

you gotta have an operation.

You can't work, you're flat on your back,

your company goes to pot.

Then where are you? Dead.

I never thought of it quite that way.

Think of it.

Well, I guess I better get dressed.

Well, too bad we won't see you

at Grady's tonight.

You'll see me.

Check your hat, sir?

- Good evening, Miss Whitehead.

- Good evening.

- Four, as usual?

- No, just two tonight.

Very well. This way, please.

Reading spoils my appetite, George.

Just bring me the squab with wild rice,

asparagus with hollandaise...

a small mixed-green salad

with a touch of garlic...

cherries jubilee, and a double martini.

And you, sir?

I'll have a chicken salad sandwich.

And a cup of coffee.

Yes, sir.

I thought you were hungry.

Reading has spoiled my appetite, too.

Are you sick or something?

Just embarrassed.

I'm afraid I'm a bit short of funds.

That's all right. They'll take your check.

I don't think you understand,

Miss Whitehead.

How much do you think

an accountant earns?

- I don't know.

- Less than that.

Half a day's salary.

I earn exactly $60 a week.

You could earn more than that

bouncing drunks out of here.

I like chicken salad sandwiches.

Really, I do.

- Hello, folks.

- Hi, Grady.

- How are you this evening, Ethel?

- Fine.

Meet a friend of mine, Martin Blackford

of the Treasury Department.

- How do you, sir?

- How do you?

We don't get many representatives

of the Treasury Department here.

I'm afraid Miss Whitehead

is a little confused.

My only contact with the Treasury

is when I make a mistake.

- You make many of them?

- Certainly not.

That's what the clients pay him for.

He's a CPA.

Is that so?

Whatever he is.

Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.

That means certified public accountant.

Sure. CPA.

Say, after you finish your dinner...

you and Mr. Blackford

might like to drop into the back room.

No, he couldn't possibly.

He's in the middle of a terrific conference.

He barely has time for a sandwich.

- Just a friendly little game.

- But he's gotta rush right back.

I tell him, what's the point

of having a brain from here to here...

and making a pile of money that high...

if you can't take time off

to keep from starving.

- Well, some other time.

- Some other time.

Say, Mr. Blackford, I don't suppose

you could stop by my office...

on your way out just for a second.

- What about?

- Personal problem.

I made one of those little mistakes

with the Treasury.

This morning they contacted me, personal.

I sure could use a little

professional advice, if you could spare it.

Well, time is money,

but I think we can spare it, huh, Marty?

I don't see why not.

After all,

friends of yours are friends of mine.

- We'll be glad to.

- Good.

Grady, send George back.

We want to change the order.

Right.

Now, this letter explains...

that due to the high risk of confiscation

of your gaming equipment...

you have accordingly taken

accelerated depreciation on it.

When did I do that?

Last March.

- This letter explains why you did it.

- I see.

Let me suggest, however...

that you apply for permission

from the Treasury Department...

to change your system

from an accrual to a cash basis.

That way, you'd undoubtedly realize...

a savings of several thousand

dollars a year.

- No kid?

- No kid.

- As simple as that, huh?

- lf you know how.

Blackford, I gotta hand it to you.

You sound like a guy

who knows his racket.

What do I owe you?

Why, nothing. I was glad to do it.

Now, listen, I'm no brain-picker.

When a guy does a job for me, I pay.

Well, when I do a friend a favor,

I don't charge.

Well, at least I can take care

of the dinner check.

Say, Marty...

now that you got

all this stuff straightened out...

who's gonna keep it that way?

Mr. Grady's accountant

ought to be able to handle it.

He hasn't done so good up to now.

What's the chance of you taking it over?

- No, I don't think...

- Say, that's an idea, Blackford.

I know you're a busy man,

but if there's a possibility...

No, I'm afraid I couldn't.

Marty, you can't just walk out

and leave him in the lurch.

I don't think Mr. Grady

spends much time in the lurch.

Maybe you could do it in your spare time.

A fellow like you, how long would it take?

Two or three nights a week, I'll bet.

He's right, Marty.

I know you don't need the money.

But you'd be doing me a favor.

Grady's an old friend of mine.

I'm sure he'd make it worth your while.

Wouldn't you, Grady?

Sure, I would.

Well, whatever's reasonable.

For two nights a week, I'll pay you

what I pay my full-time guy. $50.

$50?

- Okay, I'll up it $25.

- Make it $100 and you got a deal.

So it's a deal. Shake.

Hello.

Yes, this is Grady.

- See you later.

- Right.

Yeah, we did okay tonight.

A little over $9,700.

No, Malloy hasn't checked in yet.

Little early.

I'll take it on one condition.

That you share it with me.

- The fee, I mean.

- I wouldn't think of it.

You mean like a percentage?

Why not? You could use the money

as well as I could.

I wouldn't feel right otherwise.

Well, I wouldn't want you to do anything

you felt was wrong.

Then it's settled.

After all, you're responsible for this.

I wouldn't have had the nerve.

You don't need it.

I've got enough for both of us.

- Well, hello.

- Hello.

- Thought you were working tonight.

- I am.

Instead of an aspirin,

I thought I'd try a steak for a change.

Now you're getting smart.

Sit down, pour yourself a drink.

I'll be with you in a second.

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