The Devil's Rejects

Mr. Dobson,

it's time for us to do what

the Good Lord would refer to

as a "cleansing of the wicked,"

and what my brother George,

God rest his soul,

used to call

"100% Alabama ass kickin'."

So you think we're gonna

die here today?

Dying's not an option.

Now, you stick that back

in that gray matter of yours

and you make that stick,

'cause any other thought's

gonna get you cold-slabbed,

toe-tagged and mailed home to your mom in

a plastic bag. Are we crystal?

- Crystal, sir.

- Gentlemen!

Let's do what

God made us to do.

This is Sheriff John Quincey Wydell...

of the Ruggsville County

Sheriff's Department.

You're completely surrounded!

You have

no chance of escape!

Now would be the time

to vacate the premises peacefully.

There's a million

f***ing cops!

Come on.

Otis, the f***ing pigs

are everywhere!

- Tell me something I don't know!

- We've gotta do something!

You're completely surrounded.

You have no chance of escape.

Can't take the car,

about 25 pigs.

I know, I know!

Sh*t f*** sh*t f***!

Sh*t.

Where the f*** is Tiny?

- I ain't seen Tiny.

- Tiny!

- I think he went out last night.

- Everybody shut up!

Mama, what's the matter?

I keep thinking

about... old times...

like when you was

a f***in' baby.

- You looked like an angel.

- I know, Mama.

- You told me that a million times.

- Yeah.

Gentlemen!

On the count of three!

- Ready?

- Yeah.

- One!

- I love you, Mama.

- I love you, Baby.

- Two!

Let's go.

Three!

F***ing pigs!

Stupid motherf***er!

Die, you f***ers!

- You okay?!

- Yeah, are you?

F***!

- Ready?

- Yeah yeah yeah, go go!

Man down!

- Hold your fire!

- Hold your fire!

Dobson! Get some tear-gas

in that house!

Sir!

Mama!

Let's go! Let's go!

Do not f***ing move!

I advise you

to lower that weapon.

I'm sorry, Sheriff,

but you ain't gettin' me.

Looks like you ain't

gettin' off that easy,

huh, b*tch?

All right, everybody listen up.

I want this place gone over

with a fine-tooth comb.

Wherever these f***ers are,

- they gotta be close.

- I am standing outside the perimeter

of what is turning out to be

the most horrific crime scene

since Jack the Ripper

stalked the streets of London.

What police have uncovered

reads like this...

words can't describe it...

"Human skulls

used as ornaments,

body parts stuffed

in refrigerators. "

And I can't believe

what it says here:

"A mass grave

of decomposing bodies

dumped under the crawlspace

of the house. "

Hey, Chief, you might wanna

check this out.

- What?

- I don't know.

Jesus H Christ.

Motherf***er.

What, you recognize the clown?

Yeah, his name is Spaulding,

Captain f***ing Spaulding.

Oh, yeah! Ooh, yes!

Gimme... give it to me!

- Yeah.

- Yeah yeah.

Yeah, ride the horse, baby!

Ride it!

Ride it! Yeah yeah yeah.

God! Oh, yeah, honey.

Oh-ho!

Give it to me.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah! Oh, yeah!

- You're the captain.

- Come on, baby.

- Yeah yeah yeah...

Oh, ride me, baby.

Ride it, ride it.

Ride it!

Feels so good!

Yeah! Yes, give it!

Give it up! Give it!

Give it, give it!

Yeah! Oh!

Come on, baby, ride it home!

Yeah yeah yeah...

- Yes! Yeah!

- Yeah, oh!

Ah! Oh, honey!

You gettin'

a good ride tonight.

Next time, you gonna

have to pay me.

Did you just call me

a f***ing whore?

Well, I calls 'em

like I sees 'em.

Really?

You think I'm

a f***ing whore?

I don't think it,

I know it.

- Whore this, f***er.

- Hey hey hey hey!

Come on now, baby,

hold on.

I'm just messing with ya.

You know us clowns,

we like to just fool around

a bunch, you know? Come on.

- Yeah.

- Laugh.

Clown... laugh!

Poopy.

What's the matter,

bad dream?

Yeah, 50-50.

You want to fool

around some more?

Oh, Jesus Christ, woman,

I gotta take a piss.

- No.

- Didn't you get enough ass-banging

last night?

God damn it, my dick is still sore.

- Oh, come on, I'm horny.

- No.

Most guys like

that quality in a girl.

Yeah, except you acting like some

kinda spastic mongoloid in heat.

- F***in' b*tch.

- Hurry!

Ah...

Where is it?

Just calm down,

it'll be on in a minute.

Ah! Ha ha!

There it is!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

- Yeah.

- You look so sexy.

Captain Spaulding again. I'm here to

tell you about a brand-new attraction.

Mary... the monkey.

Oh yeah, that's right.

- Ha! That f***in' monkey.

- This here little monkey

- ... is half real human, half monkey...

- I love that monkey.

...I brought all the way

from the wilds of Borneo.

When y'all come in, make sure you bring

little Johnny and Suzie with you.

She'll scare

the holy guacamole out of 'em.

Ha ha! And remember

while you're down here,

pick up a "Captain Spaulding

for president" T-shirt

all shapes and...

Hey, what the f*** is this?

I paid good money for

this goddamn commercial!

Sheriff, "News Update,"

what is the situation now?

The situation?

Now what?

God damn it!

- What are you...

- Yeah, what?

- Daddy, you gotta get outta there.

- Why?

- The pigs hit us this morning real bad.

- Shut the f*** up!

- They're gonna be coming for you too.

- All right, just calm down.

I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel

just like we always planned.

- Yeah, okay.

- I'll be there as soon as I can.

All right,

just go now.

Poopy!

What do you need a gun for?

Where are we going?

- You ain't going nowhere, b*tch.

- Oh, Poopy!

Get outta my f***in' way!

If you're out there listening to this,

I got a message for ya.

I'm coming to get ya.

You can't run forever.

You're gonna have to stop

somewhere, sometime, and when you do

I'm gonna be there to put the wrath

of the Lord up your ass.

Poopy, don't go!

God damn it,

stop calling me Poopy!

- But, Poopy...

- Leave me alone, woman!

- I want my Poopy! Poopy, no!

- Leave me alone!

In an attempt to help the Ruggsville

Police Department,

we here at "News Update"

would like to show you

these mug shots of the suspects

known to have escaped

during the raid earlier this morning.

100. 150.

184 bucks?

What?!

- Candy!

- What?

Candy, come on down here!

Come on, cut that out.

Turn it off.

Candy, come down here!

- Come on down here!

- All right. Sh*t.

What?

This is bullshit, baby!

What is this?

What do you want me to say?

It's a slow f***in' night, boss.

All them farmers want is

a quickie hand job and boom!

10 dolla!

Get back on their tractors,

save the real f***ing for the sheep.

Jesus, Candy, you gotta figure

a way to hook 'em in.

You gotta hustle

that p*ssy.

Find a new angle and you might

attract a higher clientele.

Yeah, well, I've been

thinking about that.

I was thinking about something spacey

like that "Star Wars" sh*t.

You know, them losers wanna

f*** Princess Leia, right?

I'd f*** her.

Thank you.

I don't know, you start messing

with that spacey sh*t,

and you'll really bring out

some sick b*tches.

They all wanting

to pretend they're robots.

Last thing I need is horny robots

running around, tripping over sh*t.

Droids... boss,

they call 'em droids.

Whatever.

I still say it's risky.

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