The Devil's Rejects Page #4

We did everything

you want, mister, just let us go.

We did what you said.

First of all,

I didn't say anything.

And second of all,

I'm calling the shots!

Consider me f***ing

Willy f***ing Wonka!

This is my f***ing chocolate factory!

You got it?!

My factory...

Get him, Roy!

Get the gun, Roy!

Roy!

Please, mister, stop.

Please.

- Stop.

- Stop?

B*tch, I have just started.

You know, I was gonna take

it easy on you, boy,

but you brought this

down on yourself.

You had to come

all f***ing-big-stick- walking-tall

like a big, f***ing hero!

You got yourself to blame.

Look at you now, hero!

You're gonna f***ing bleed to death.

F*** you!

That's what they all say,

"F*** you!"

Well, it ain't gonna save ya.

It don't scare me none

and don't make you a hero!

Wanna see what happens

to heroes, boy?

You wanna see bad-ass, motherf***er?

I'll show you bad-ass!

Roy!

Roy!

Hoss, I want you

to pray to your God.

I want you to pray that

He comes and saves you.

I want lightning to come down

and crash upon my f***ing head!

- I pray... Jesus...

- Louder!

Bless the bunnies,

bless the little birds...

- I don't feel anything.

... bless the springtime morning.

I feel it!

Oh, Great God Almighty,

I repent, I repent!

I feel the love

of the God-God-God Almighty!

Oh, the Holy Spirit

is in my body!

I am the devil, and I am here

to do the devil's work.

Roy! Roy!

Roy! Roy!

You f***ing motherf***er!

You f***ing motherf***er!

Son of a b*tch!

I've got other

plans for you... hero.

Shut the f*** up!

Can I go to the bathroom, please?

I'm about to piss myself.

Excuse me...

Can she go to

the bathroom? Please?

What?! I heard you the first time.

I was just thinking.

What are you

gonna do for me?

- What?

- Go piss yourself for all I care.

If you want special favors, you gotta

give me something in return.

What do you want?

I want you

to hit her in the face.

- What?

- I know you heard me.

Go ahead.

Go on.

Make it hurt,

no love taps.

I want to hear it.

Harder, she ain't gonna break.

You better make this

next one f***ing count!

Ah!

Good, very nice.

Now you come here.

Right here.

Kneel down.

Give me a kiss and say, "Thank you,

Baby, I'm having a great time. "

Thanks, Baby,

I had a really good time.

Now make it fast, b*tch!

Don't try anything cute!

Sh*t!

Now, what do you

want to do?

Damn it, I knew that c*nt

would do something stupid.

Shut up!

Open the f***ing door!

- Open the goddamn door!

- Okay! Hold it!

Somebody help me!

What are you

gonna do, shoot me?

What did I ever

really do to you?

I swear I'll do it.

I'll kill you.

Why would you

want to kill me?

I'm you're only hope,

my brother's f***ing crazy.

- Please!

- Wendy, it's all right!

Come on out...

Go ahead, shoot me.

Shoot me right in the ass!

Stupid c*nt!

Ain't no bullets in this thing.

It's all f***ing mind power.

Somebody, help! Somebody, please!

Help! Help! Help!

Help me! Help me!

Oh, God. Help me!

- Whoa whoa, darling.

- She's crazy!

Daddy, grab that b*tch!

Hey, Chief,

I think I got something.

What?

This Captain Spaulding guy,

Captain Spaulding's

a character from "Animal Crackers,"

a Marx Brothers' movie.

I'll be damned.

Think it means anything?

I don't know.

Tell you what, you get that

movie critic over here. What's his name?

- Marty Walker?

- Yeah, that's him.

Tell him to get his ass

over here as soon as he can.

Tell him to bring whatever information

he's got about the Marx Brothers,

particularly characters

Groucho played in his movies.

All right,

I'll get right on it.

This sh*t's just getting

weirder and weirder.

Sh*t, Daddy, I didn't

think you were coming.

I'm cool.

Where the f*** is Otis?

Not back from

getting the guns yet.

You wanna f*** with me?

Huh, b*tch?

You ain't got what it takes.

He fucks this up,

I'm gonna kill that motherf***er.

You believe this b*tch had the balls

to try and f*** with me?

Cox, nice of you to make it.

Enjoying your meal?

What? I gotta eat.

My blood sugar gets off,

I'm not gonna be any good to anybody.

Ya ain't no good

to nobody anyhow.

Listen here, that movie expert

guy's here. Wanna talk to him?

Want me

to bring him in?

All right, all right,

I'll get him right now.

Mr. Walker?

Come on in, please.

Sheriff Wydell,

it's a pleasure.

I rushed right over

as soon as I got your call.

You came to the right man.

I happen to be a self-proclaimed

Marx Brothers expert if I say so myself.

I'm sure your knowledge

of bullshit is limitless.

Why don't we get to the point?

What do you got for me?

I got a f***ing

grocery list for you

of all the major Marx Brothers

characters and related characters,

and I made a secondary list of any

and all films having to do with Groucho,

including such gems as

"A Girl in Every Port," and "Skidoo,"

where Groucho played the part of God...

Directed by Otto Preminger,

who happened to be Jewish,

although he played a Nazi commandant

in "Stalag 17" directed by Billy Wilder.

Otto Preminger also

directed "Exodus,"

and it's rumored

that at the premiere

Mort Sahl stood up,

yelled at the screen,

- "Otto! Let my people go!"

- Give me the damn list.

It's ironic, don't ya think?

Nazi, State of Israel?

They're all here,

all the aliases...

"Rufus Firefly,

Otis Driftwood,

Captain Spaulding"...

all of 'em.

Hey, Chief, I'm thinking we ought to

track down this Groucho Marx guy,

ask him a few questions,

maybe he's involved.

Idiot, he died last year.

He died, didn't he?

Oh God damn it.

God damn it, see?

That right there is one sad,

pathetic state of cinematic affairs.

If you weren't a cop,

I'd wring your neck.

Hey, let's take

that down a notch.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

This sneering, rotating,

gyrating pelvis son of a b*tch,

he died three days

before Groucho,

stole all

the goddamn headlines.

That goddamn, f***ing

Elvis Presley.

What did you say

about The King?

He died three

days before Grouch...

You ever say another derogatory word

about Elvis Aaron Presley

in my presence again,

I will kick

the living sh*t out of you!

You get this Hollywood-loving

p*ssy out of my face.

- Elvis is in Hollywood!

- Get the hell outta here!

- His first film...

- Get out!

..."Love Me Tender,"

was based on an Irish folk song!

F*** Groucho!

Ha!

Booga booga booga booga

booga booga booga booga!

Don't you f***ing knock?

- Where the f*** you been?

- Did you get everything?

Oh, yeah, I got everything.

You, motherf***er!

Where the f*** have you been?

Hey! You got a problem

with my time-frame, son,

you best spit

it out right now.

Yeah, I got a problem.

I got a big f***ing problem, bozo!

Well, make your move,

laddie, two hits.

I hit you and your dick

hits the f***ing dirt.

Old man, you ain't

hitting nothing!

Hey, cut the sh*t, we gotta

get the f*** outta here.

What are we gonna

do with this one?

Leave her for

a maid to clean up.

I got a better idea.

We regret to inform you

that the "Banjo and Sullivan Show"

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