The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
OVER DARKNESS... 1
...we hear what we will come to know as the VOICE OF THE
GUIDE.
GUIDE VOICE:
It is an important and popular fact that
things are not always what they seem.
A small square image appears on screen. Home video. The
dolphin stadium at Sea World.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had
always assumed that he was the most
intelligent species occupying the planet,
instead of the third most intelligent
which was, in fact, entirely accurate.
The dolphins perform; leaping through hoops, etc.
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The second most intelligent creatures
were, of course, dolphins who curiously
enough had long known of the impending
destruction of the planet Earth. They had
made many attempts to alert mankind to the
danger, but most of their communications
were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to
punch footballs or whistle for tidbits, so
they eventually decided they would leave
Earth by their own means.
They leap madly, desperately. Higher and higher...
GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)
The last ever dolphin message was
misinterpreted as a surprisingly
sophisticated attempt to do a double-
backward somersault through a hoop while
whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner" but
in fact the message was this...
"So long and thanks for all the fish."
TITLES ROLL - (FULL SCREEN 35mm IMAGES)
Dolphins leap over and interact with the opening titles.
Breathtaking somersaults, back flips, choreographed to a
Buzby Berkley-style song called, "SO LONG AND THANKS FOR
ALL THE FISH." We end with a wide shot of all the
dolphins jumping out of the top of frame, but they never
come back down. TILT UP to a starry night sky - the
dolphins have vanished.
END TITLES:
As night turns to morning, we hear CLICK, then...
VOICE ON RADIO:
...as well as Sea World Orlando and San
Diego reporting their dolphins have
mysteriously disappeared overnight.
CUT TO:
2 3.
INT. ARTHUR DENT'S BEDROOM - MORNING 2
CLOSE ON the clock radio from which the voice emanates.
A hand shuts it off. ARTHUR DENT is awake. 30's. Kind
faced. His feet land perfectly in slippers as he stands
and shuffles out of his very neat but very boring room.
3 IN THE BATHROOM - Arthur gargles in front of the mirror. 3
He bends over to spit revealing a YELLOW BULLDOZER
through the window, crawling toward his house. A TEA
KETTLE WHISTLES O.S.
4 INT. ARTHUR DENT'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 4
Arthur sets the newspaper (with the headline "DOLPHINS
VANISH") on the table, removes the kettle. Doesn't notice
through the window 3 MORE LARGE YELLOW BULLDOZERS.
He pours a cup of tea, sets the pot down next o his
mobile phone. He picks it up, stares at a DIGITAL PHOTO
ON THE SCREEN of himself and a very pretty woman (Tricia)
at a costume party.
He presses the phone to his head as if it were a cold
compress. Suddenly, there's a LOUD RUMBLING o.s. The
tea cup RATTLES. Arthur looks out the window. Now he
sees the bulldozers.
The tea cup shatters on the floor.
CUT TO:
5 EXT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE - MORNING 5
Arthur, dressed in pajamas and robe, lies in the dirt in
front of a bulldozer, blocking it from destroying his
house. He yells into his mobile phone.
ARTHUR:
(into phone)
What do you mean he's gone out to lunch?
You just said he was still at breakfast!
MR. PROSSER, a bureaucrat, leans over him.
PROSSER:
Come off it, Mr. Dent. You can't lie in
front of the bulldozers forever.
ARTHUR:
I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.
PROSSER:
This bypass has got to be built and it's
going to be built. You should have made
ARTHUR:
The first I heard of it was when a workman
came yesterday. I asked if he'd come to
clean the windows, and he said he'd come
to demolish the house. He didn't tell me
right away of course. First he wiped a
couple of windows and charged me twenty
quid. Then he told me.
(CONTINUED)
5 4.
CONTINUED:
5The bulldozer driver, looking guilty, ducks behind the
steering wheel. Prosser removes plans from his briefcase.
PROSSER:
Look. These plans have been on display at
the planning office now for a year.
ARTHUR:
On display? I had to go down to a cellar!
PROSSER:
That's the display department.
ARTHUR:
I eventually found them in the bottom of a
locked filing cabinet in a disused
lavatory with a sign on the door saying
'beware of the leopard'.
PROSSER:
Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much
damage that bulldozer would suffer if I
just let it roll straight over you?
ARTHUR:
How much?
PROSSER:
None at all.
FORD (O.S.)
(American accent)
Arthur!
Arthur and Prosser turn to see a man cresting a hill,
pushing a shopping cart which is filled with beer and
bags of peanuts. This is FORD PREFECT. Wiry, intense.
As he heads downhill, he leaps up and rides the cart down
towards Arthur's house -- like a kid in a supermarket.
He rolls right past Arthur and the bulldozers.
ARTHUR:
Ford?
He leaps off, drags the cart to a full stop.
FORD:
Arthur! There you are. Here drink and
eat with me. We need to talk.
ARTHUR:
Er, um...now's not the best time, Ford
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