The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #12

TRILLIAN:

It is my name. I shortened it.

ZAPHOD (0.S.)

Trillian...!

ARTHUR:

Well, I'm still Arthur. Just plain

average one-headed doesn't-own-a-space

ship Arthur. Sorry to disappoint.

ZAPHOD (O.S.)

A little help over here?

Trillian leaves Arthur, joins Zaphod

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

They're after us! Fire a gun! Launch a

missile! DO SOME DAMAGE!

Zaphod's arms struggle with his head again.

38a QUICK SHOT. DEEP SPACE 38a

A dull gray rectangular Vogon BATTLE CRUISER is easing up

behind the Heart of Gold. Behind the cruiser is about

ONE HUNDRED OTHER BATTLE SHIPS, flying in formation.

(38 Cont) BACK ON THE BRIDGE-- (38 cont)

TRILLIAN:

Computer?

A very eager male COMPUTER VOICE (EDDIE) sounds.

EDDIE:

Hi, guys, this is Eddie your shipboard

computer and I just know I'm gonna get a

bundle of kicks out of any program you

want to run through me.

TRILLIAN:

Can you identify our pursuers?

(CONTINUED)

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EDDIE:

I'd be happy to! Stand by, please.

(cheesy on hold Muzak plays)

Hey, guys, I'm just pleased as punch to

report that it's a fleet of a hundred

Vogon Battle Destroyers.

You must be super important to warrant

such an effort, and gee am I impressed.

They're sending a message. I'd be super

happy to play it.

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

Fine! Play it!!

(to Trillian)

This people personality thing is gonna

drive me nuts! Can't you change it?

An IMAGE APPEARS on the ship's monitor - Vice President,

QUESTULAR RONTOK, flanked by Vogon Commander KWALTZ {at

H.Q.). He looks reluctant. He has to say this...

QUESTULAR (ON MONITOR)

This is Vice President Questular Rontok.

I am speaking to the kidnapper of the

President. Surrender your stolen vessel at

once or we will take action as defined and

permitted by Section 1.8 of the Galactic

Interstellar Space Bi-Laws.

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

Leap to hyperspace!

EDDIE:

Sure thing, fella, but I should tell you

we need proper authorization before

entering a hyperspace expressway.

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

Or else what? They'll send a hundred and

one ships? DO it!

He and Trillian buckle up. Ford turns to Arthur.

FORD:

Brace yourself. This is a bit like being

drunk.

ARTHUR:

What's so bad about being drunk?

FORD:

Ask a glass of water.

They are stretched and squeezed by extraordinary forces.

39 INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS -- NIGHT 39

Questular and Kwaltz watch their front screen as the

Heart of Gold blasts into hyperspace.

(CONTINUED)

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39

KWALTZ:

Did they have proper hyperspace

authorization?

VOGON WORKER:

No, Commander.

KWALTZ:

Add that to their list of offences!

(scoffing)

Blatant disregard for protocol.

QUESTULAR:

You do realize he did what he did because

he knew this is what you would do.

KWALTZ:

Rules are rules, Mr. Vice President. And

they are made to be followed.

Questular looks up to the screen at all the Vogon ships.

QUESTULAR:

Don't you think this many ships is a bit,

oh I don't know -- excessive?

KWALTZ:

The provisions are clear. Under

subsection 37a these are the forces we

deploy to protect the president in the

case of an attempted or actual kidnapping-

He holds up one fat official book with one hand.

KWALTZ (CONT'D)

-- and these are the forces we deploy to

apprehend any intentional or actual

kidnapper.

He holds up another fat book with the other.

QUESTULAR:

You are aware, Commander, that the

President kidnapped himself.

KWALTZ:

Hence...

He puts the two books together, slams them down.

QUESTULAR:

Do you have any idea how ridiculous this

is?

KWALTZ:

I don't have ideas Mr. Vice President. I

just do what I do.

A VOGON MESSENGER runs up holding papers. Kwaltz takes

them, signs one in two places, initials others, lifts the

top sheet, removes the pink copy. Folds it.

(CONTINUED)

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He does this for the other two forms as well.

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