The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #18

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

Humma Kavula!

SLAM. Zaphod's two arms shove his chin back down.

ZAPHOD:

I'll handle this.

56a EXT. SEEDY STREET-VILTVODLE 56a

The others approach, watching Zaphod as he stops a

passing an eight-armed alien creature, asks him

something, oozing charm. The creature points down the

street with 3 arms, then with 2 others hands him a pen

and paper. Zaphod signs an autograph and moves on.

The alien beams, then squirts three cans of aerosol under

several arms. More mist rises. FOLLOW IT UP revealing:

57 A LARGE BUILDING -- a temple with two giant arches. 57

The others follow. CAMERA TILTS UP and we see this

building looks like a nose lying horizontally, the "giant

arches" are the nostrils.

58 INT. ARKLESEIZURE TEMPLE - CONTINUOUS 58

Zaphod opens the huge doors inside the large

nostril/arches. A rush of air blows the mist past Ford,

Trillian and Arthur a few steps behind. They stop.

A congregation of worshipers faces front where HUMMA KAVULA

stands behind a podium. He's a humanoid wearing a white

robe and night-vision sun glasses.

HUMMA KAVULA:

The handkerchief is coming, beloveds. Are

you ready? Let us pray that the almighty

will exhale a breath of compassion on us.

Instead of bowing, they all point their noses heavenward.

Zaphod marches down the center aisle while Humma prays.

HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)

Almighty Arkleseizure, we lift our noses,

clogged and unblown in reverence to you.

Zaphod stops a few feet away from Humma's chair.

ZAPHOD:

Hello, Humma.

(CONTINUED)

5 53.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

8 CONTINUED:
58

ON FORD AND ARTHUR

ARTHUR:

That's Humma Kavula? I thought he was

just using a swear word.

FORD:

(shaking his head)

Humma Kavula was his opponent in the

election. Something happened during the

campaign. Zaphod never forgave him.

ARTHUR:

What was it?

Ford shrugs. HUMMA looks up, sees Zaphod, smiles.

HUMMA KAVULA:

(wrapping up the prayer)

Send the handkerchief, lord, so that it may

wipe us clean. We ask this in your

precious holy name...

CONGREGATION:

Achoo.

And they all sneeze. Akin to crossing himself, Humma

raises a hand to his nose, then down again.

HUMMA KAVULA:

Bless you.

CUT TO:

59 INT. HUMMA'S QUARTERS - CONTINUOUS 59

Humma's quarters are opulent. He sits behind his desk

flanked by several ARMED BODY GUARDS. Ford, Arthur and

Trillian keep a safe distance as Zaphod faces off with

Humma who has the air of a cool news anchor man.

HUMMA KAVULA:

Zaphod Beeblebrox, our famous President.

The Arkleseizure has exhaled many

blessings upon you. What brings you to

our humble planet?

ZAPHOD:

I think you know why I'm here.

HUMMA KAVULA:

I don't think I do.

ZAPHOD:

Oh, I think you think you don't, but we

both know -- you do.

HUMMA KAVULA:

Elequent as always, Zaphod. Your ability

to communicate a clear thought never

ceases to amaze.

(CONTINUED)

5 54.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

9 CONTINUED:
59

Head 2 suddenly springs up -- to the surprise of all.

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

You called me stupid!

HUMKA KAVULA:

(re:
the heads)

Interesting. And I don't know what you're

talking about.

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

During the campaign, Humma -- you said I

was stupid.

HUMMA KAVULA:

This Humma you speak of no longer exists.

He came here in his consolation position

as Ambassador to Gamma Z10 to squelch an

ideological threat to the system and

repented from his wicked ways. He now

goes by the holy name Tazelo the

Unceasingly Righteous, given to him by his

devoted followers.

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF, YOU

RIGHTEOUS FREAK!! YOU STARTED THE RUMOR

THAT I'M STUPID AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!!

The 3rd arm reaches for a gun in Zaphod's vest. The BODY

GUARDS aim their weapons. One runs up and smacks Zaphod

in the back of the head -- slamming Head 2 back in place.

ZAPHOD:

Thank you.

The 3rd arm disappears. The gun falls. A BODY GUARD

picks it up.

WITH ARTHUR, FORD AND TRILLIAN

ARTHUR:

Why do I get the feeling he's going to get

us all killed?

FORD:

Probably because it's very possible. Just

don't save me, okay? We're even.

Humma lays his palms on the table and lifts himself as if

to stand - but there is nothing of him below the table

line except for thirty, one inch metal legs, attached to

the base of his torso. He glides towards Zaphod, the

little legs extending to reach the floor as he reaches

the end of the table.

(CONTINUED)

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