The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #19

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9 CONTINUED:
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HUMMA KAVULA:

The election is ancient history, Zaphod,

but if memory serves -- you won, proving

that good looks and charm win over

brilliance and ability to govern.

A guard drapes a white robes over Humma's shoulders - which

he ties with a belt - hiding his peculiar undercarriage.

HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)

And incidently -- you are stupid.

His head jerks up. Zaphod stops it, paints on a smile.

ZAPHOD:

That's really not the point.

HUMMA KAVULA:

You haven't come halfway across the galaxy

to settle a campaign grudge. Why are you

here, Zaphod?

Zaphod doesn't answer. Humma motions to a guard who

grabs his arm, twists it -- hard.

ZAPHOD:

(wincing)

I don't know. I was headed for Magrathea,

I ended up here.

PUSH IN ON HUMMA -- who raises his hi-tech sun glasses.

HUMMA KAVULA:

How very, very...

(knowingly)

...improbable.

He pulls the nose off his body guard, turns a key. A

secret safe door slides open from the mans' chest.

HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)

I kept a few souvenirs from my former

life. Ah, the heady days of space

piracy... so young, so foolish..,

Another, smaller box rises from the chest cabinet. Inside

we see glowing jewels, a skeleton hand, etc. Humma

removes a PINK CUBE (like Zaphod's blue cube.)

HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)

I'll gladly give you the coordinates to

Magrathea...

He holds up the pink cube revealing A SERIES OF

COORDINATE NUMBERS on each side. Zaphod reaches for it.

Humma takes it back...

HUMMA KAVULA (CONT'D)

...provided you bring me something in

return.

(CONTINUED)

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9 CONTINUED:
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ZAPHOD:

What?

HUMMA KAVULA:

A gun.

ZAPHOD:

A gun?

HUMMA KAVULA:

A very special gun. Designed by the

greatest computer ever invented, now

buried in the bowels of Magrathea.

ZAPHOD:

Fine. I'll get your gun. Just give me

the coordinates.

Zaphod reaches out. Humma pulls it back.

HUMMA KAVULA:

And what will you give me to insure your

return?

ZAPHOD:

My word as President.

HUMMA KAVULA:

Ha! I'd be better off with the dung of a

Bethusian Mega Donkey.

ZAPHOD:

Okay, then I'll get you that.

HUMMA KAVULA:

I need a hostage, something you hold dear.

Only what does Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure?

ON ZAPHOD'S SECOND HEAD -- peeping out of the collar

looking terrified.

Humma smiles. Bingo. He signals the guards. They grab

Zaphod who looks back to Trillian, offers a weak smile.

SMASH CUT TO:

60 INT. HUMMA KAVULA'S OPERATING THEATRE -- LATER 60

Very fast scene - two seconds. Zaphod's 2nd Head SCREAMS!

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

Nooo!!!

PULL BACK to see it being lifted out of Zaphod's neck.

Zaphod unconscious on the operating table. Blood and

instruments everywhere.

6 57.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

1 INT. HUMMA KAVULA'S ROOM -- LATER 61

Zaphod's head hangs on the wall. Wires feed out of the

neck into a huge machine.

Beneath the head is a crude drawing of a body and the

words "I'm with Stupid." An arrow points to Zaphod's

Head 2 -- which is shouting...

ZAPHOD HEAD 2

IDIOT! ZARKING MORON!! COME BACK!! YOU

NEED ME!! COME BAAAAACKKKK!!!!

HUMMA KAVULA:

You should quit while you're "a head"

Zaphod. No one has ever got passed the

Magrathean defence system alive.

Humma laughs maniacally.

62 EXT. VILTVODLE 6. MAIN STREET - NIGHT 62

Zaphod, held aloft on Ford and Arthur's shoulders,

staggers down the street toward the spaceport where the

Heart of Gold is parked. His neck is wrapped with a

blood-soaked bandage which looks like a scarlet ascot.

ARTHUR:

Are we sure this is the right way?

FORD:

Yes! I think. I don't know. Maybe not.

ARTHUR:

Yes, thank you for clearing that up.

Ford looks puzzled at Arthur. Did I clear it up? A crowd

has gathered. When they see Zaphod, they scream...

CROWD:

Mr. President!...Zaphod, over here!...I

want to have your baby!, etc...

Zaphod, still feeling the effects of whatever drugs he

was given, dons a presidential smile and waves.

FORD:

Back to the ship. Quickly.

They quicken their pace when suddenly...

FIFTY VOGON POLICE -- emerge from the mist.

VOGON POLICE #1

Mr. President! We are here for your

protection!

Zaphod, Ford, Trillian and Arthur freeze in their tracks.

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HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

3 INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS 63

Kwaltz and Questular watch the action on the front

screen.

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