The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #20

KWALTZ:

Fire upon the kidnapper!

(62 cont) EXT. MAIN STREET - (62 cont)

The police fire. F, T, & A run for it, but Z stays put.

ZAPHOD:

Zarquon! Friendly fire! Well, if that's

what they want--

He pulls out his gun up and fires back.

ZAPHOD (CONT'D)

Hey! Let's do lunch! Nice haircut, fella!

Hey! Your kids are the same age as mine--

We should get them together some time!

With each line he fires. Ford grabs him. Shots hit a

stack of aerosol cans. They EXPLODE. More mist rises.

(63 cont) INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - (63 cont)

QUESTULAR:

Commander! The President is the

kidnapper!

KWALTZ:

Cease fire!

(62 cont) BEHIND THE KIOSK-- (62 cont}

The gang run down an alley and hide behind a kiosk.

Zaphod sports a goofy smile. Arthur is scared to death.

ARTHUR:

Oh God, I really hate Thursdays.

FORD:

Zaphod, what do we do?

ZAPHOD:

Build bridges between the stars!

He holds up two peace signs, a la Nixon.

ARTHUR:

What?

FORD:

I think that was his campaign slogan.

Trillian finds a deodorant can, grabs it, gets an idea.

TRILLIAN:

Alright, follow me.

She aims the can at Zaphod's ear- Arthur's face registers

the madness of the moment.

( 59.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

63 cont) INT. VOGON DESTROYER. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS (63 cont)

QUESTULAR:

There they are!

(62 cont) ON SCREEN -- Trillian, with aerosol can to Zaphod's ear (62 cont)

moves down the street. The crowd GASPS. The quartet

continues anxiously forward, eyeing the police whose guns

track their every move.

TRILLIAN:

Back off or I'll kill him, I swear I will!

(63 cont)KWALTZ -- looks confused. (63 cont)

KWALTZ:

Could that actually kill him?

(62 cont) The police step backwards -- but the crowd takes a step (62 cont)

forward. A huddle of female ADMIRERS rush them, waving

pens and paper as if the Beatles have arrived.

ADMIRERS:

Mr. President, Mr. President!...

Zaphod paints on a smile, breaks away from the others to

go sign a few autographs.

FEMALE ADMIRER:

I totally voted for you!

ZAPHOD:

Thank you!

Reveal that the female fans are actually a multi-headed,

two legged GROUPIE.

(63 cont) ON QUESTULAR AND KWALTZ-- (63 cont)

KWALTZ:

Get her!

(62 cont) CHAOS! The walrusy Vogon police swarm in like maggots, (62 cont)

surrounding Trillian and edging Ford and Arthur away.

VOGON POLICE:

Resistance is useless!

Shots are fired. The crowd SCREAMS and SCATTERS. Arthur

reaches for Trillian but she is engulfed by Vogons who

move, en masse, and pull her away into the mist.

ARTHUR:

Tricia!

Ford, with Zaphod in tow, shoves Arthur forward, using

his towel to clear a path through the mist. They see the

Heart of Gold ramp descending from the belly of the ship.

FORD:

This way!

(CONTINUED)

( 60.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

62 cont) CONTINUED: (62 cont)

ARTHUR:

NO!! TRICIA!!!

SHOTS FIRE all around them as Ford pushes Zaphod and

Arthur up the ramp.

(63 cont) INT. VOGON HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT (63 cont)

Questular and Kwaltz watch the monitor as Vogon Police

usher Trillian, in futuristic hand-cuffs, past the Vogon

Captain who stands in the foreground on his ship.

KWALTZ:

Bring her to Vogsphere for processing,

Captain.

The captain nods. The screen goes black.

QUESTULAR:

They're coming here!? But they've only

accomplished half the mission. What about

Zaphod? HE MUST FACE JUSTICE!!

KWALTZ:

My instructions were clear...

From a slot in his chair, he pulls his instructions --

signed in triplicate of course. He reads...

KWALTZ (CONT'D)

"Apprehend the kidnapper, rescue the

president." We do them in that order.

And until the kidnapper is properly

processed, she isn't officially

apprehended, now is she, Mr. Vice-

President?

Questular pulls out another small clump of hair.

CUT TO:

64 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 64

Ford and Arthur drag Zaphod into the bridge. On the

front screen, they can see the Vogon ships flying away.

ARTHUR:

We have to go! Let's GO!

ZAPHOD:

(still loopy)

Right!

Looking strangely happy, he slides the PINK COORDINATE

CUBE Humma gave him into a slot on the console.

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