The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #23

The Officer types, checks his screen, shakes his head.

VOGON OFFICER:

Sorry. No record of "Earth."

(CONTINUED)

7 67.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

2 CONTINUED:
72

TRILLIAN:

Earth. In the Milky Way?

{remembering)

Um...galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.

The Vogon Officer types, reads from the screen.

VOGON OFFICER:

Right. Here it is. "Earth. Destroyed."

Do you have a second home planet?

PUSH IN ON TRILLIAN -- gutted by the news.

TRILLIAN:

Destroyed? No -- that's impossible.

VOGON OFFICER:

Says here it was destroyed to make way for

a hyperspace expressway. The order was

given...three weeks ago.

TRILLIAN:

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND GIVES AN ORDER TO

DESTROY A PLANET!?

CUT TO:

73 EXT-ADMIN BUILDING-VOGCITY 73

ZAPHOD - WALKING WITH FORD AND ARTHUR

ZAPHOD:

He said the gray building, right?

THEIR P.O.V. -- all the buildings are gray. Arthur sees

2 VOGON POLICE escorting someone in handcuffs into one of

the buildings.

ARTHUR:

There. That's it. This way.

He raises Marvin's arm, pointing the fingers.

74 INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BUILDING/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS 74

A, F & Z enter the double doors, then stop short.

Stunned.

THEIR P.O.V. - a typical government pick-a-number and

wait sort of room. Bland. Bad lighting. Numbered

windows. It's packed with all manner of species.

ARTHUR:

Leave this to me. I'm British.

(with gusto)

I know how to queue.

He confidently takes a number and gets in line with the

several hundred others -- feeling very much at home.

( 68.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

72 cont)INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BLDG./INTERROGATION ROOM - (72 cont)

Trillian sits at the Officer's desk, arms folded, defiant.

TRILLIAN:

I don't believe you. This is some sort of

trick. Zaphod wouldn't blow up a planet,

especially mine.

Kwaltz now steps forward and extends a piece of paper.

KWALTZ:

These are the orders.

Trillian takes the paper, runs her finger down to the

signature line where it reads "Love and kisses, Zaphod!"

TRILLIAN:

Love and kisses...?

She hands the paper back, swallowing emotion.

KWALTZ:

Now -- according to Section 8, sub-section

34 dash A, the punishment for kidnapping

is a recitation of the classic poem, "Ode

to the Removal of Your Left Kidney."

Unless -- said kidnapping is of the

President, in which case you are to be fed

to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

We thank you for your cooperation.

A door is opened revealing a room with a large steel box.

A huge, angry eye stares out of a tiny barred window.

The box shakes like crazy. Trillian gulps.

(74 cont) INT. PRISONER PROCESSING BUILDING/MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS (74 cont)

Zaphod is in line with Arthur and Ford. He looks up to:

A PRESIDENTIAL PHOTOGRAPH -- of himself, in suit and tie,

smiling broadly. He lowers his thinking cap.

FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR

Next!

Arthur steps up, followed by Ford and Zaphod who keeps

his head low and bowed.

ARTHUR:

Yes. Hi. We're here about getting a

prisoner released?

FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR

Prisoner release form?

She holds out her hand. Arthur doesn't have a form.

Annoyed, she points across the room to a wall that is

nothing but shelves holding forms.

(CONTINUED)

69.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

(74 cont)CONTINUED: (74 cont)

ARTHUR:

Right. Once I've filled it out can I

return to the front of the line, seeing as

I've already waited...

FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR

No. Next!

Arthur sighs, frustrated. All three of them walk to the

shelves holding the forms. Arthur turns to Zaphod.

ARTHUR:

Can't you do something?! You're

President, aren't you?

ZAPHOD:

You want me to make a speech, shake a

hand? That's what I do -- I think. It's

all a little fuzzy.

Arthur angrily fills out the form.

MOMENTS LATER--

Arthur is back in line, having waited a long time. He

finally gets to the window, hands the green form to the

Vogon Processor. She types into her computer, then checks

the screen.

FEMALE VOGON PROCESSOR

This Prisoner is being detained for...

(reading)

Kidnapping the president. Not eligible for

release at this time. You can make an

appointment for a later date or take a

number and wait.

Arthur's breathing quickens. He can't take this.

ARTHUR:

Alright, look.

(yanks thinking cap and

sunglasses off Zaphod)

This is the President.

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