The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #25

Questular holds two clumps of hair in each fist.

QUESTULAR:

THIS IS INSANITY!

KWALTZ:

My license is expired, Mr. Vice President.

I can't fly with an expired license --

it's against the law.

Questular fists tremble. PLOP. Out comes two large

tufts of hair.

SMASH CUT TO:

80 EXT. SPACE - NIGHT 80

The pod is reattached to the Heart of Gold which soars

through the stars.

81 INT. HEART OF GOLD. BRIDGE - NIGHT 81

They're all getting buckled into their seats.

(CONTINUED)

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81

EDDIE:

(back to his normal voice)

Hi, fellas. Hold on to your hats!

ZAPHOD:

Eddie! Welcome back!

The ship suddenly BLASTS forward. Their heads are

slammed back into the seats as they VIBRATE VIOLENTLY.

FORD:

WHAT'S HAPPENING, ZAPHOD?! WHERE DID YOU

TELL IT TO GO?!

ZAPHOD:

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!

Arthur looks to the console and sees the two mice sliding

across it, getting thrown across the ship. They continue

to vibrate -- even more violently.

FORD:

ARE YOU SURE WE REATTACHED THIS THING THE

RIGHT WAY?!

Zaphod is all smiles, hanging on as if he were on a

rollercoaster ride.

ZAPHOD:

ISN'T IT GREAT?!

82 DEEP SPACE-- 82

...the H.O.G. is but a blur as it streaks along.

83 BACK IN THE H.O.G. - LATER 83

Stars appear on the screen as they slow from hyperspace.

EDDIE:

Guys, I'm just super happy to tell you

we're approaching hyperspace exit Gamma

Z8B530.

Arthur steadies himself, turns to Trillian who's still

staring forward, angry. She unbuckles her seat-belt and

moves away from the console.

A planet appears on screen. Zaphod and Ford lean

forward.

ZAPHOD:

Okay, that's it...I think. Computer? Is

that...where are we headed again?

FORD:

Magrathea?

EDDIE:

Hang on, fella, and I'll check.

(CONTINUED)

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Arthur turns, look over at...

TRILLIAN -- who stares out a portal window into the

emptiness of space. A tear rolls down her cheek.

Arthur steps up, isn't sure what to say.

ARTHUR:

Look, you're right. You deserved to know

and I should've told you. I don't blame

you if you're angry.

She turns and stares, wipes the tears away. Can't speak.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Right. Anyway...I'm sorry.

EDDIE (O.S.)

Guys, it just tickles me pink to tell you

we are currently in orbit at an altitude

of three hundred miles around the

legendary planet of Magrathea. Goll-ee.

Hearing this news, Arthur, Trillian and Ford turn.

ZAPHOD:

(tasting it)

Take us in.

83a EXT. NIGHT DEEP SPACE - MAGRATHEA 83a

They all stare in awe as they move toward a planet which

gets closer and closer. Suddenly, their faces are awash

with light.

Two suns rise behind the planet. It's breathtaking.

ZAPHOD:

The twin suns of Soulianis and Rahm...

Marvin (both arms in tact) rises in the back, peers out.

MARVIN:

It's rubbish.

83b Suddenly,a ghostly white swirl of light, vaguely in the 83b

shape of a man, appears on the screen before them.

GHOSTLY IMAGE:

Greetings. This is a recorded announcement

as we're all out the moment. The Commercial

council of Magrathea thanks you for your

esteemed visit, but regrets that the entire

planet is temporarily closed for business.

If you would like to leave your name and a

planet where you can be contacted, kindly

do so at the tone.

BEEP. Then stunned silence.

(CONTINUED)

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ARTHUR:

Closed? How can a planet be closed?

ZAPHOD:

For once, Aldus, I agree with you. Okay,

computer. Keep going. Take us down.

EDDIE:

Happy to!

The ship eases forward. The image appears again.

GHOSTLY IMAGE:

It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm

for our planet continues unabated. As a

token of our appreciation, we hope you

will enjoy the two thermonuclear missiles

we've just sent to converge with your

craft. To ensure on-going quality of

service, your death may be monitored for

training purposes. Thank you.

The image vanishes. A beat. Then...

EDDIE:

Guys, I'm delighted to tell you there are

two thermonuclear missiles headed right

for us. Should I take evasive action?

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