The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #32

ARTHUR:

Ah. I see where you're confused. You see

-- we were experimenting on them.

101e Over the ocean, a "Perfect Storm" wave rolls toward them. 101e

SLARTIBARTFAST:

Oh, I gather they arranged for you to

conduct some primitively staged

experiments so they could prod your

thinking here and there. But you were

actually elements in the computer program.

They really are very clever hyper-

intelligent pan-dimensional beings.

(looking down)

Ah. They've nearly finished the oceans.

101f They move toward the white cliffs of Dover. A man stands 101f

on a cliff holding a giant hose, water spewing from it.

ARTHUR:

So -- you're trying to tell me that mice

designed and built Deep Thought...and Deep

Thought designed the Earth...which was a

giant supercomputer...that you built...to

calculate the Ultimate Question. Only,

Vogons destroyed it ten minutes before the

program was completed?

SLARTIBARTFAST:

That's bureaucracy for you.

ARTHUR:

Actually, this explains a lot. All my

life I've had this strange feeling that

something was going on in the world,

something big, something sinister ...

SLARTIBARTFAST:

That's just perfectly normal paranoia.

Everyone in the universe has that.

102 EXT. EARTH II. ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE - CONTINUOUS 102

A & S swoop down and soar over the English countryside --

partially constructed; tall tree stocks with branch and

leaves lying beside them, waiting to be attached. Men

rolling out sod like a giant carpet, etc.

(CONTINUED)

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02 CONTINUED:
102

SLARTIBARTFAST:

I don't know, perhaps I'm old and tired,

but I always think that the chances of

finding out what's really going on are so

absurdly remote that the only thing to do

is say hang the sense of it and keep

yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy

than right any day.

ARTHUR:

And are you?

SLARTIBARTFAST:

No. That's where it all falls down of

course.

(slowing the platform)

Here we are, then.

l03 The platform slows to a stop. Arthur steps out and is 103

stunned to see...

HIS HOUSE. It's partially constructed. The chimney lies

intact on the ground, waiting to be hoisted up. A row of

hedges lies on it's side beside a trench. But it's his

house alright.

ARTHUR:

Is this...?

Slartibartfast nods. Arthur, in a daze, stumbles toward

the house.

103a INT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE/MARK 2 - CONTINUOUS 103a

Arthur enters his house. There is no furniture, no

photographs or books or any evidence of his existence

there. He feels the walls, the countertops. He's home?

TRILLIAN (O.S.)

Arthur!

Arthur pokes his head around a wall to find...

104 FORD, ZAPHOD AND TRILLIAN -- sitting at an elegantly set 104

table -- stuffing their faces with a meal fit for a king.

103a INT. ARTHUR DENT'S HOUSE/MARK 2 - 103a

ARTHUR:

What -- what are you doing? What happened

to you?

They talk while continuing to stuff food in their mouths.

FORD:

Funniest thing. (chew, chew) Our hosts

attacked us with Dismodulating Anti Phase

Stun Mist (chew, chew) then brought us to

this amazing meal as a way to make it up

to us (chew, chew). Try the mutton. It's

fantastic.

(CONTINUED)

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03a CONTINUED:
103a

ZAPHOD:

(mouth full)

Zarking incredible.

They can't seem to stop eating, like they've been

drugged.

ARTHUR:

Hosts attack you --? And then you sit

down for -- is that tea?

Arthur has spotted a TEA POT on the table. He hurries to

it, feels it. Warm. He pours a cup, takes a sip,

Closes his eyes, enjoying it.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Now that's a cup of tea.

FRANKY MOUSE (O.S.)

We're glad you like it, Earth creature.

He looks down and sees THE TWO WHITE MICE sitting on a

silver platter.

BENJY MOUSE:

After ten million years on Earth, and a

rather large chunk of that time in

England, it would be utterly humiliating

if we didn't know how to make a decent pot

of tea.

Arthur stares in shock...can't speak.

TRILLIAN:

Arthur, these are our hosts. Benjy mouse

and Franky mouse (chew, chew).

They control a large sector of the

Universe in our dimension (chew, chew).

I'm sorry, I thought you were told about

the mice...

ARTHUR:

Yes. Yes, I was. I just wasn't quite

prepared for the full reality of it.

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