The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #5

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

...Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly

the most successful book ever to come out

of the great publishing corporations of

Ursa Minor.

The book opens revealing TWO SCREENS. Images appear. A

star map, layers of data, captions, video, animations...

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

More popular than the CELESTIAL HOME CARE

OMNIBUS, better selling than 53 MORE

THINGS TO DO IN ZERO GRAVITY, and more

controversial than Oolon Colluphid's

trilogy of philosophical blockbusters,

WHERE GOD WENT WRONG, SOME MORE OF GOD'S

GREATEST MISTAKES, and WHO IS THIS GOD

PERSON, ANYWAY?

Now the images rise up from the screen like holographs as

the book "presents itself" like some hi-tech infomercial.

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

In many of the more relaxed civilizations

on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy,

the Hitchhiker's Guide has already

supplanted the great Encyclopedia

Galactica as the standard repository of

all knowledge and wisdom. For though it

has many omissions, and contains much

which is apocryphal, or at least wildly

inaccurate, it scores over the older, more

pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper. And second,

it has the words "DON'T PANIC" printed in

large friendly letters on its cover.

The book closes. The words "DON'T PANIC" appear just

below the title, blinking like a tacky diner marquee.

PULL BACK FROM THE GUIDE to find Arthur holding it, the

blinking light illuminating his very disoriented face.

2 15.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

2 INT. HOLD OF VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP - NIGHT 22

Arthur, in total shock, holds up the guide.

ARTHUR:

So you're not from Guilford, which would

explain the accent -- which I've always

wondered about...and you're not an out of

work actor -- but rather a writer for

this...this...book thing.

Ford nods. Arthur rubs his weary brow.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

I don't feel well. I need a cup of tea.

Ford hands him a fistful of peanuts.

FORD:

Here. Eat these. If you've never been

through a transmat beam before you've

probably lost some salt and protein.

Arthur eats some peanuts, sits up, squints. Ford feels

his way around the room, looking for something.

ARTHUR:

If I asked where we were would I regret

FORD:

We're safe. For now.

ARTHUR:

Good.

FORD:

We're in a storage hold in one of the

ships of the Vogon constructor fleet ...

ARTHUR:

Obviously some strange usage of the word

safe I wasn't previously aware of.

FORD:

(not getting the sarcasm)

Is it?

ARTHUR:

Tell me you're joking.

FORD:

Okay. I'm joking.

ARTHUR:

And do a reassuring little laugh.

Ford does a reassuring little laugh.

ARTHUR (CONT'D)

Now tell me where we really are.

(CONTINUED)

2 16.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

2 CONTINUED:
(2) 22

FORD:

In the storage hold of a Vogon constructor

ship.

Ford continues his search. Arthur's breathing quickens.

ARTHUR:

Get me home. Ford.

FORD:

Home? Arthur...your home... is...

ARTHUR:

Oh God - it was demolished! I've got to

reach my lawyer! He must be back from

lunch by now...

He pulls out his cell phone. Desperately punches numbers.

Ford flips on a light switch, revealing a messy chamber

full of alien junk and old mattresses.

FORD:

You don't remember, do you?

(taking his cell phone)

Okay. I've got something to tell you. It

ain't gonna be easy, but you're gonna have

to just deal, okay?

ARTHUR:

Good god. Is this really the interior of a

flying saucer?

FORD:

Yeah. Why?

23 SHOT:
DEEP SPACE. THE VOGON FLEET IN FLIGHT 23

ARTHUR (V.O.)

Well, it's a bit squalid isn't it?

FORD (V.O.)

Hey man, you're in denial.

24 INT. VOGON CONSTRUCTOR SHIP BRIDGE 24

Jeltz consults one screen after another. At last he sees

Ford and Arthur. His walrusy eyes narrow.

25 BACK IN THE SLEEPING QUARTERS - MINUTES LATER 25

ARTHUR:

Blown up? BLOWN UP?! Couldn't you have

done something?!!

FORD:

I did. I saved you.

(CONTINUED)

2 17.

HHGG 3rd Revised Draft 8/8/03

5 CONTINUED:
25

ARTHUR:

But there's six billion other people.

FORD:

And all those ants.

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