The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Page #6

ARTHUR:

Yes, but ants aren't exactly people!

FORD:

And now you're thinking like a Vogon.

(before Arthur can respond)

I saved your life, okay? Which makes us

even. Next thing.

Ford throws Arthur a towel. Arthur looks confused.

FORD (CONT'D)

It's a tough galaxy. You want to survive

out here, you really gotta know where your

towel is. Now gimme a hand over here.

Arthur joins Ford near a rusty ventilation pipe.

FORD (CONT'D)

Careful, it's hot.

He slides the towel behind the pipe, holding each end of

it, Arthur does the same.

FORD (CONT'D)

We've got to get off this ship before the

Vogons find us. Vogons hate hitchhikers.

Which is why they make ships with walls

that won't allow the Sub-Etna signal to

pass through. So we've got to send the

signal up and out if we wanna catch a

ride. Pull.

They both pull. A section of pipe snaps off. Steam

shoots out. Ford holds the black Thumb under the pipe.

ARTHUR:

What's a Vogon?

FORD:

Ask the guide. Say "Vogons."

Ford continues turning dials. Arthur lifts the Guide.

ARTHUR:

"Vogons."

The word "VOGONS" floats up into his field of vision.

GUIDE VOICE:

Vogons.

(CONTINUED)

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CHARACTER, HISTORY, HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH, HOW TO ANNOY,

WHAT TO AVOID. Arthur touches CHARACTER.

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

Vogons are one of the most unpleasant

races in the Galaxy - not evil, but bad-

tempered, bureaucratic, officious and

callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger

to save their own grandmothers from the

Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without

orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent

back, queried, lost, found, subjected to

public inquiry, lost again, and finally

buried in soft peat for three months and

recycled as fire-lighters.

Arthur touches 'HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH.'

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon

is to stick your finger down his throat.

Arthur touches 'WHAT TO AVOID'.

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

On no account should you allow a Vogon to

read poetry to you.

FORD:

They can't think, they can't imagine, most

of them can't even spell. They just run

things.

(turns dial opposite direction)

And if we don't get a ride soon, you won't

b need the guide to illustrate just how

unpleasant the Vogons can be.

They've destroyed a planet today, that

always makes them a little feisty.

ARTHUR:

It can't be gone. It can't be!

(grabbing the Guide, shouting}

Earth!

FORD:

Shhh!

ARTHUR:

EARTH!!

GUIDE VOICE:

Earth.

An image of the Earth appears on the Guide's screen.

GUIDE VOICE (CONT'D)

Harmless.

Arthur waits...and waits. The Earth image fades away.

(CONTINUED)

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ARTHUR:

That's it? That's all this idiotic book

has to say about my home? "Harmless?"

FORD:

Hey, there are a hundred billion stars in

the Galaxy and only a limited amount of

space in the book's microprocessors. No

one knew much about Earth. That's why I

was there. To expand the entry. I fired

off a new one to the editor before I got

stranded.

ARTHUR:

What does it say now?

FORD:

Mostly harmless.

Before Arthur can react, a speaker HUMS to life with

screeching HOWLS and GARGLES. Arthur cups his ears.

ARTHUR:

Ahhh, what the hell is that?!

FORD:

Here. Put this in your ear.

Ford removes a small yellow fish from his pouch. He

moves to put it in Arthur's ear. Arthur struggles.

ARTHUR:

WHAT?...STOP!..DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH...

The LOUD GARGLING NOISE continues. Ford has to wrestle to

get the fish in Arthur's ear.

JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)

ARTHUR:

Argh! What's happening...?

As he succeeds, the noise mutates to the Vogon Captain's

voice. Arthur looks incredulous.

JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)

This is your captain speaking, so stop

whatever you're doing and pay attention!

FORD:

The fish. It's translating for you.

JELTZ (ON SPEAKER)

According to our instruments we have

unwittingly picked up a couple of

hitchhikers who must be apprehended and...

(CONTINUED)

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