The Ladykillers Page #13

More singing, Mrs. Munson and the rest of the choir now

clapping as they sing.

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

The power-tool whine is louder here. We are looking at a

patch of wall.

After a beat, and with a loud rev as resistance gives way, a

drill bit emerges from the wall, spitting out bits of the

masonry.

The drill withdraws.

After a beat, hammer blows.

The chunk of masonry begins to buckle.

INT. CASINO - SERVICE HALL - DAY

The General opens the door, still somehow immaculately

groomed. Gawain enters.

INT. CHURCH - DAY

The gospel number rising to climax, supported by the organist

and the rest of the congregation.

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

Clark and Lump, covered in dirt and plaster dust, have started

stuffing bundled bills and small sacks into large garbage

bags. An irregular hole, about three feet across, gapes in

the far wall.

Gawain punches off the boombox, looking at all the money.

GAWAIN:

Well ain't that somethin'.

Clark suddenly freezes in the act of collecting money. He

straightens slowly.

PANCAKE:

Hnnnn. Arrunggggh! Rnffff.

He stands stock still, wincing, gazing off into space.

PANCAKE:

...Mmmmnggh!

He whispers hoarsely, urgently:

PANCAKE:

...IBS!

The other men look at him.

GAWAIN:

...Say what?

PANCAKE:

IBS! Irritable Bowel Syndrome! Is

there a men's room down here?!

GAWAIN:

Oh man, you shouldn't be using the

men's room--

PANCAKE:

Or a lady's room! IBS! Quickly!

GAWAIN:

You shoulda sh*t back in the house,

man! We don't want Elron finding you

in the goddamn crapper!

Clark's voice is still hoarse. He does small knee bends of

urgency:

PANCAKE:

No choice! Quickly! It's a medical

condition!

GAWAIN:

You are disgusting, man. All right,

follow me.

INT. CASINO - DAY

We are CLOSE ON Gawain peering anxiously to one side.

He turns and peers the other way.

We hear a toilet flush and, after a beat, Clark emerges from

the men's room door next to which Gawain stands. His manner

is now completely relaxed.

PANCAKE:

Feel thirty pounds lighter.

They start walking back to the vault.

PANCAKE:

...Thank you for being so

understanding. Not everyone is, of

course, which is why the biggest

challenge of IBS is educating the

public. Afflicts over two million

people yet most of us have never

heard of it. And it strikes without

regard to age, gender or race.

GAWAIN:

Oh f***, man, I don't wanna know

about it.

PANCAKE:

That's the kind of attitude we're

fighting.

GAWAIN:

Well maybe you should sign me up,

man, 'cause you startin' to irritate

my bowel.

INT. CHURCH - DAY

The choir finishes a number and sits -- all except for Marva

Munson, who unties the knot on her robe at the nape of her

neck, slips it off and, with murmured goodbyes, slips away.

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

As the two men enter Clark is still holding forth:

PANCAKE:

...I guess I never told you, that's

how Mountain Girl and I met. They

had an IBS Weekend at Grossinger's,

in the Catskills. Of course the

tourist business up there has

suffered, with the demise of the

Borscht Belt. So they have different

promotions, mixers, so on. This was

a weekend for Irritable Bowel singles

to meet and support each other and

share stories.

GAWAIN:

Man, I don't wanna hear a single one

a them stories.

PANCAKE:

Well, some of them are very--

GAWAIN:

Not one f***in' story! You one f***ed-

up motherf***er! You--

They stop short, looking:

The General and Lump are standing in the middle of the floor,

stock still, each clutching a bag of money, staring up at

the same corner of the ceiling.

Lump turns to Clark and Gawain.

LUMP:

Hey, lookit that.

Gawain and Clark join them in the middle of the vault and

look up at the corner of the ceiling.

A small video camera, aimed squarely at the four men.

THROUGH THE CAMERA

Black-and-white video, very WIDE ANGLE HIGH SHOT, of the

four motionless men below goggling up at the lens. Smoke

plumes from the General's cigarette.

BACK TO NORMAL PERSPECTIVE

PANCAKE:

Huh. Looks like an Ikegami.

He slips on his reading glasses as he gets a leg up on a

shelf just below the camera and hoists himself. He peers in

at the lens.

THROUGH THE LENS

Clark looming into EXTREME CLOSE SHOT.

PANCAKE:

...Oh yeah. Mm-hm. I'm not sure

whether it's broadcasting...

NORMAL PERSPECTIVE

PANCAKE:

...Um-hm... No...

He is fingering the back of the camera.

PANCAKE:

...Hard wire...

Down below, Gawain looks at the wire snaking along the seam

of wall and ceiling. At the opposite corner it travels down

the joint of the two walls.

He traces its path down and then across one wall at chair-

rail height towards the door. The other men follow in an

anxious herd as he traces one finger along it.

Just before reaching the vault door the wire goes through

the wall in a hole finished off with a grommet. Gawain goes

out the vault door...

INT. CASINO - SERVICE HALL - DAY

...and picks up the line where it emerges on the other side,

travels down to the joint of wall and floor, and then

continues along the floor. Gawain follows it and the other

men continue to follow him.

He traces it anxiously down the hall in a hunched lope. The

other men scuttle behind into...

INT. CASINO - MONITOR ROOM - DAY

The wire winds around into the room, back up to chair-rail

height, along one wall, behind some cabinetry which Gawain

hurries past to find it again on the far side, and then down

to a video recorder.

It is not, however, hooked up to the video recorder: its

pronged end swings loose just by where it would be plugged

in.

Inside the video recorder is a casette, which Gawain ejects.

The men crowd to look over his shoulder as he examines it:

"Shevann's Schvanz".

There is a pile of other videos by the monitor: "Charlayne

and the Chocolate Factory," "Big Dick Blaque's Big Night

Out," "Lemme Tell Ya 'Bout Black Chicks," "Anus & Andy."

Just next to the pile is an old bowl of Kocoa Krispies.

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

The General climbs into the tunnel with a garbage bagful of

money, followed by Lump, likewise encumbered. Lump hands

back out a satchel to Gawain, who sets it on the vault floor

by the hole. From the way he handles it, it is quite heavy.

Pancake, also with a bag of money, is getting ready to climb

in:

PANCAKE:

Look, I didn't choose to have IBS--

GAWAIN:

Shut the f*** up!

Lump hands Gawain a smaller, lighter satchel which he likewise

sets on the floor.

PANCAKE:

There's no cure, you know. Only

control. Lifelong condition. Not

complaining, just fact. And I did

meet Mountain.

GAWAIN:

Grab your bag and get in that f***ing

hole!

EXT. CHURCH - DAY

Mrs. Munson is leaving, with singing still audible from the

service that continues inside.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY

We are looking from inside the tunnel towards its mouth,

where the Professor stoops slightly to peer in, anxiously

dry-washing his hands.

A REVERSE shows the hunched-over men scuttling along the

tunnel towards us, holding large garbage sacks.

DORR:

Welcome back, gentlemen, mission

accomplished I see. I am so very

very delighted...

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