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The Ladykillers Page #14
He gives a hand down to each man as he exits the tunnel.
DORR:
...Congratulations. Congratulations.
I have some cold duck on ice for the
occasion.
LUMP:
Maybe we could have something to
drink, too.
Gawain, left behind, is muttering to himself as he uses a
trowel and other instruments from his satchel to patch up
the hole at his end of the tunnel.
GAWAIN:
Motherf***er can't stop talking,
can't stop shitting. Motherf***er
tell everyone about his motherfuckin'
a**hole. No one gives a sh*t about
his a**hole. Nobody interested in
another man's a**hole. Or his b*tch's.
Mrs. Munson is letting herself in.
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY
The men are sitting around the table, champagne glasses
raised. On the table sits the money, stacked in orderly piles.
DORR:
Gentlemen, to we few. We who have
shared each other's company, each
other's care, each other's joy, and
who now reap the fruits of our
communal effits, shoulder to shoulder,
from each accordin' to his abilities
so forth whatnot. We have had our
little diffences along the way, it's
true, but I like to think they have
only made us value one another the
more, each coming to understand and
appreciate the other's unique
qualities, potencies, and, yes,
foibles. I suggest that we shall
look back upon this caper one day,
one distant day, grandchildren dandled
upon our knee, and perhaps a tear
will form, and we shall say, Well,
with wit, and grit, and no small
amount of courage, we accomplished
something on that day, a feat of
derring-do, an enterprise not ignoble --
we, merry band, unbound by the
constraints of society and the
prejudices of the common ruck, we
happy few. Gentlemen -- to us!
MEN:
To us!
They clink.
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Upstairs Mrs. Munson runs water into a teapot, humming to
herself.
Having finished patching, Gawain starts painting. He turns
on his boombox, and out comes the big bassy "I Left My Wallet
in El Segundo."
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY
The men, having drunk deep, are setting down their glasses.
Pancake looks at his watch with some concern.
PANCAKE:
Charge should've gone off already.
DORR:
I do beg your pardon?
PANCAKE:
The charge to collapse the tunnel. I
set it for eight minutes.
Dorr looks at his watch.
DORR:
Well that time, and more, has most
certainly elapsed.
Looking toward the mouth. The men stoop over and peek
fearfully in.
They again stand upright. A silence.
Dorr clears his throat.
DORR:
I need not remind you of the
importance of obliterating any trace
of a connection between the vault
and this house. It was of the essence
of this plan that it should appear
that the money had simply vanished.
Without a trace. Spirited away, as
it were, by ghosts.
PANCAKE:
Of course. I understand.
DORR:
The conundrum of the undisturbed yet
empty vault, the unsolvable riddle
of the sealed yet violated sanctum,
is of the utmost importance not only
to make our caper innelectually
satisfying. It is also exigent as a
matter of practical fact: I remind
you that if a tunnel is ever found
leading to this house, this house's
owner knows all of your names.
PANCAKE:
She certainly does.
DORR:
Therefore -- to draw the unavoidable
conclusion -- someone shall have to
reenter the tunnel to reset that
charge.
INT. TUNNEL - DAY
Pancake, hunched over, scurries along the tunnel. He reaches
the remnants of a large rock, where the tunnel grows smaller.
He drops to crawl position and elbows his way forward,
toolbelt clanking along.
We are getting closer and closer to a muffled but thuddingly
bassy "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo."
The music loudly present at the cut. Gawain takes a handheld
blowdryer out of his satchel and flips it on, directing it
at the fresh paint on the wall whose repairs are now
invisible.
INT. TUNNEL - DAY
Music once again muffled. Pancake has reached a little LED-
displaying timer with leads trailing off of it.
He grabs it, puts on his reading glasses, squints.
The display shows: TIME REMAINING: 00:12.
The colons in the display rhythmically blink, but the number
does not advance. For some reason, stuck.
PANCAKE:
Huh.
He reaches to his tool belt, pulls out his Leatherman.
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mrs. Munson is setting places at a large table. There are
INT. TUNNEL - DAY
Pancake now has a mini-mag light clenched between his teeth,
aimed down at the timer. He opens the phillips head on his
Leatherman but abruptly stops and stares off into space.
PANCAKE:
Nnnnrungh...
He is squinting with pain.
The muffled hip-hop song is beginning to recede.
INT. VAULT - DAY
Gawain is wheeling his garbage cart out the door. The vault
is completely empty but looks completely undisturbed.
He closes the heavy vault door behind him, leaving quiet.
INT. TUNNEL - DAY
Quiet here as well, now. Pancake's moan trails off to nothing.
He relaxes. The moment, whatever it was, has passed.
He looks back down at the unit, flicks it with his finger,
and it emits a soft beep.
PANCAKE:
...Huh?
He squints at the back of the unit.
As it beeps again, he turns the unit over to look at its
face.
The readout now says: 00:10.
As he watches, peering down through the bottom of his glasses,
it continues to advance with a beep as each second slips by:
9... 8...
PANCAKE:
...What the--
His eyes widen and he frantically shakes the unit. It
continues beeping. He briefly and sloppily tries to fit the
phillips head into one of the four screws on the back of the
unit but immediately gives up and starts a panicked wriggle
back up the tunnel, whimpering.
INT. CASINO - DAY
Gawain is wheeling his garbage cart past Elron.
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mrs. Munson is placing the last piece of silverware, just
so.
INT. TUNNEL - DAY
Pancake is in full panicked awkward flight as--
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY
--BOOM! We CUT TO the cellar and Pancake is shot out the
tunnel like a human cannonball, trailing a comet-tail of
dirt, dust, and debris that wafts what were neatly stacked
bills up into the air.
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The portrait of Othar jostles back to square. He now looks a
little angry.
The cat arches her back, emitting a startled yowl.
Mrs. Munson stands, frozen, then looks slowly around, trying
to assimilate what has just happened.
INT. CASINO - DAY
Gawain and Elron are staring at each other, frozen, also
reacting to what just happened.
Finally:
GAWAIN:
...You just fart?
ELRON:
Heh-heh-heh.
INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mrs. Munson is looking at the cellar door. Dust drifts out
from under it.
She takes a slow step towards it. Another step. She opens
the door.
There is no visibility in the cellar due to swirling clay
dust.
She takes one step down the stairs, waving at the air in
front of her face.
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"The Ladykillers" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_ladykillers_891>.
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