The Ladykillers Page #14

He gives a hand down to each man as he exits the tunnel.

DORR:

...Congratulations. Congratulations.

I have some cold duck on ice for the

occasion.

LUMP:

Maybe we could have something to

drink, too.

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

Gawain, left behind, is muttering to himself as he uses a

trowel and other instruments from his satchel to patch up

the hole at his end of the tunnel.

GAWAIN:

Motherf***er can't stop talking,

can't stop shitting. Motherf***er

tell everyone about his motherfuckin'

a**hole. No one gives a sh*t about

his a**hole. Nobody interested in

another man's a**hole. Or his b*tch's.

EXT. MUNSON HOUSE - DAY

Mrs. Munson is letting herself in.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY

The men are sitting around the table, champagne glasses

raised. On the table sits the money, stacked in orderly piles.

DORR:

Gentlemen, to we few. We who have

shared each other's company, each

other's care, each other's joy, and

who now reap the fruits of our

communal effits, shoulder to shoulder,

from each accordin' to his abilities

so forth whatnot. We have had our

little diffences along the way, it's

true, but I like to think they have

only made us value one another the

more, each coming to understand and

appreciate the other's unique

qualities, potencies, and, yes,

foibles. I suggest that we shall

look back upon this caper one day,

one distant day, grandchildren dandled

upon our knee, and perhaps a tear

will form, and we shall say, Well,

with wit, and grit, and no small

amount of courage, we accomplished

something on that day, a feat of

derring-do, an enterprise not ignoble --

we, merry band, unbound by the

constraints of society and the

prejudices of the common ruck, we

happy few. Gentlemen -- to us!

MEN:

To us!

They clink.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Upstairs Mrs. Munson runs water into a teapot, humming to

herself.

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

Having finished patching, Gawain starts painting. He turns

on his boombox, and out comes the big bassy "I Left My Wallet

in El Segundo."

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY

The men, having drunk deep, are setting down their glasses.

Pancake looks at his watch with some concern.

PANCAKE:

Charge should've gone off already.

DORR:

I do beg your pardon?

PANCAKE:

The charge to collapse the tunnel. I

set it for eight minutes.

Dorr looks at his watch.

DORR:

Well that time, and more, has most

certainly elapsed.

FROM INSIDE THE TUNNEL

Looking toward the mouth. The men stoop over and peek

fearfully in.

They again stand upright. A silence.

Dorr clears his throat.

DORR:

I need not remind you of the

importance of obliterating any trace

of a connection between the vault

and this house. It was of the essence

of this plan that it should appear

that the money had simply vanished.

Without a trace. Spirited away, as

it were, by ghosts.

PANCAKE:

Of course. I understand.

DORR:

The conundrum of the undisturbed yet

empty vault, the unsolvable riddle

of the sealed yet violated sanctum,

is of the utmost importance not only

to make our caper innelectually

satisfying. It is also exigent as a

matter of practical fact: I remind

you that if a tunnel is ever found

leading to this house, this house's

owner knows all of your names.

PANCAKE:

She certainly does.

DORR:

Therefore -- to draw the unavoidable

conclusion -- someone shall have to

reenter the tunnel to reset that

charge.

INT. TUNNEL - DAY

Pancake, hunched over, scurries along the tunnel. He reaches

the remnants of a large rock, where the tunnel grows smaller.

He drops to crawl position and elbows his way forward,

toolbelt clanking along.

We are getting closer and closer to a muffled but thuddingly

bassy "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo."

INT. CASINO - VAULT - DAY

The music loudly present at the cut. Gawain takes a handheld

blowdryer out of his satchel and flips it on, directing it

at the fresh paint on the wall whose repairs are now

invisible.

INT. TUNNEL - DAY

Music once again muffled. Pancake has reached a little LED-

displaying timer with leads trailing off of it.

He grabs it, puts on his reading glasses, squints.

The display shows: TIME REMAINING: 00:12.

The colons in the display rhythmically blink, but the number

does not advance. For some reason, stuck.

PANCAKE:

Huh.

He reaches to his tool belt, pulls out his Leatherman.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mrs. Munson is setting places at a large table. There are

about a dozen place settings.

INT. TUNNEL - DAY

Pancake now has a mini-mag light clenched between his teeth,

aimed down at the timer. He opens the phillips head on his

Leatherman but abruptly stops and stares off into space.

PANCAKE:

Nnnnrungh...

He is squinting with pain.

The muffled hip-hop song is beginning to recede.

INT. VAULT - DAY

Gawain is wheeling his garbage cart out the door. The vault

is completely empty but looks completely undisturbed.

He closes the heavy vault door behind him, leaving quiet.

INT. TUNNEL - DAY

Quiet here as well, now. Pancake's moan trails off to nothing.

He relaxes. The moment, whatever it was, has passed.

He looks back down at the unit, flicks it with his finger,

and it emits a soft beep.

PANCAKE:

...Huh?

He squints at the back of the unit.

As it beeps again, he turns the unit over to look at its

face.

The readout now says: 00:10.

As he watches, peering down through the bottom of his glasses,

it continues to advance with a beep as each second slips by:

9... 8...

PANCAKE:

...What the--

His eyes widen and he frantically shakes the unit. It

continues beeping. He briefly and sloppily tries to fit the

phillips head into one of the four screws on the back of the

unit but immediately gives up and starts a panicked wriggle

back up the tunnel, whimpering.

INT. CASINO - DAY

Gawain is wheeling his garbage cart past Elron.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mrs. Munson is placing the last piece of silverware, just

so.

INT. TUNNEL - DAY

Pancake is in full panicked awkward flight as--

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - CELLAR - DAY

--BOOM! We CUT TO the cellar and Pancake is shot out the

tunnel like a human cannonball, trailing a comet-tail of

dirt, dust, and debris that wafts what were neatly stacked

bills up into the air.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

The portrait of Othar jostles back to square. He now looks a

little angry.

The cat arches her back, emitting a startled yowl.

Mrs. Munson stands, frozen, then looks slowly around, trying

to assimilate what has just happened.

INT. CASINO - DAY

Gawain and Elron are staring at each other, frozen, also

reacting to what just happened.

Finally:

GAWAIN:

...You just fart?

ELRON:

Heh-heh-heh.

INT. MUNSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mrs. Munson is looking at the cellar door. Dust drifts out

from under it.

She takes a slow step towards it. Another step. She opens

the door.

There is no visibility in the cellar due to swirling clay

dust.

She takes one step down the stairs, waving at the air in

front of her face.

Paper money wafts in and out of the dust.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes