The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp

Goddard's just arrived, Spud.

What's the ruddy idea?

It's total war, isn't it? What do you want?

- Message from HQ. Where's the CO?

- In the barn. Follow me.

Message from headquarters, sir.

- Sergeant Hawkins?

- Sir.

- Read it.

- Sir.

It's in code, sir. Message begins:

"Exercise invasion of the London area

by Regular Army.

Home Guard defending.

War starts at midnight."

Message ends.

The CO's put in pencil here, sir,

"Make it like the real thing."

Oh, he has, has he?

Section commanders.

(Whistles)

Message from HQ. War starts at midnight.

You have your orders. Tell the men.

- Tell them to make it like the real thing.

- What do you mean by the real thing?

Divide our losses by 1 0

and multiply the enemy's by 20.

- Yes, sir.

- That's all for now.

- Anything for me, sir?

- No, no, nothing else.

War starts at midnight. We know...

- They know...

- We attack...

They counterattack.

Like the real thing, my Aunt Fanny!

Like the real thing...

Like the real thing!

Sergeant Hawkins, section commanders!

So, war starts at midnight, does it?

- Sir.

- We attack at six.

Take the Tommy guns and three trucks.

Section leaders with Tommy guns.

Arm the men with bombs, rifles, bayonets.

- Tommy.

- Sir.

From your section - Rice, Unsworth,

the two Owens,

- Nobby, Toots and Cochran.

- Not Cochran.

Stuffy, who are the biggest toughs in your lot?

- Bill Wall, Wimpey, Popeye.

- Right. Yours, Robin?

- Frank, Skeets, Duggie Stuart, sir.

- Taffy, Geordie, sir.

Busty, Simms and Pat Sullivan, sir.

Dai Evans - we must have him, look you.

All right, get going.

Excuse me, sir?

Did you say that we attack

before war is declared?

Yes, like Pearl Harbor. Now, get going.

By the way, there's just one stop - at The Bull.

I've got a date there with Mata Hari.

- Careless talk?

- Yeah. Now, scram.

Five minutes easy, Sergeant.

Five minutes easy, Stuffy.

I wonder what's keeping Spud.

Come on.

- Afternoon, Sergeant Hawkins.

- Afternoon, miss.

- Hey!

- Back on the trucks.

Spud?

There's Spud.

Spud?

- What's the matter? What's the matter?

- Sir, what happened?

- Spud!

- She got me.

- Who?

- Mata Hari! Come on, quick...

- Any luck?

- Not a hope. She's halfway to London by now.

She's gone to warn the wizard.

Come on, get my tin hat. Come on!

The barricade's open, sir.

God damn it!

You know, you ought to have

one of these field dressings on that.

Save it for her. She'll need it somewhere else

when I catch up with her.

See that barricade, my boys?

At midnight on the dot, it's got to be closed,

and, of course,

the enemy can't get through before,

because why?

- Because...

ALL:
War starts at midnight!

- What's the objective, sir?

- Royal Bathers' Club.

What about Mata Hari?

We'll beat her to it. I know a couple of short cuts

after Marble Arch.

There she is!

Get the other trucks to close up.

See if you can pass her.

Blast that taxi!

Steady.

Keep right on his tail.

Keep straight on.

Second left. We've got her!

Come on, Section. Number two? Number three?

- You have your orders. Sergeant Hawkins.

- Sir.

Yes, l...

- Is General Wynne-Candy here?

- He left an hour ago

with Brigadier General Caldicott

and Air Vice Marshal Lloyd-Hughes.

- Did he say where he was going?

- What is your business with him?

I have an urgent message.

If you give me the message, I'll see he gets it.

Damn it all, man! Are you in the Home Guard?

Why, sir?

The password is Veuve Clicquot 1 91 1.

The General and his staff

are in the Turkish baths, sir.

Sergeant Hawkins?

You're in charge. Stay with him.

And you're a prisoner of war.

- It doesn't start till midnight.

- That's what you think.

- That girl under the desk, she's a prisoner too.

- Sir.

All right, boys, this is it.

Brute force and ruddy ignorance!

Come on. After him! Double up.

(Telephone buzzes)

You're a prisoner.

Guard this man.

And answer that damn telephone!

Yes? Yes, miss? Warn General Wynne-Candy?

Can't do that, miss.

Sorry, miss.

The General's a prisoner, and so are you.

Oh! The war's over.

(Confused shouting)

Quiet!

MAN:
Are you the ringleader of this outrage?

Quiet, please!

This is an Army exercise. You're all prisoners.

Now, stay where you are.

- Come here. Where's General Wynne-Candy?

- Who, sir?

- You heard.

- In the steam room.

Come on, then, show me the way. Go on.

This is it.

Sir?

Sir?

Go away.

General Wynne-Candy?

Eh?

What? Who is it?

Lieutenant Wilson,

2nd Battalion, the Loamshires, sir.

What do you want?

Well, sir... I'm afraid, sir, we've...

Well, say it, man, say it. I've no time to waste.

Oh, yes, you have, sir.

I beg your pardon, sir?

You've got all night, sir.

Attendant!

I'm afraid he can't come.

Why?

- He's a prisoner, sir.

- What's going on here?

Invasion, sir.

But, you damned young idiot,

war starts at midnight.

- Haventyou been told?

- Oh, yes, sir. That's why we're here.

But may I ask on what authority?

On the authority of these guns and these men.

Authority?! Authority?!

How dare you, sir! How dare you!

Get out of here, sir,

you and your gang of awful militia gangsters.

Get out!

- Popeye. Guard this man. Stuffy?

- Sir?

Go to the cubicles. Find the General's.

You'll find a pigskin case there.

Yes, sir.

But you can't do that!

Look, the code is in that case.

The whole exercise'll be a farce

- ifyou have that code.

- Oh, no, sir. This is going to be the real thing.

But war starts at midnight!

Oh, yes, you say war starts at midnight.

How do you know the enemy says so too?

But, my dear fellow, that was agreed, wasn't it?

Agreed, my foot!

How many agreements have been kept

by the enemy since war began?

We agree to keep to the rules,

and they go on kicking us in the pants.

When I joined the Army,

the only agreement I made

was to defend my country,

not only by the National Sporting Club rules,

but by every means that have existed

- since Cain slugged Abel.

WYNNE-CANDY:
Stop it.

They're counting on us to keep to the rules.

They openly boast about it!

Stop it!

Lieutenant...

..Watson, or whatever your name is,

you are not in Hyde Park,

with an audience of loafers.

I am Major General Wynne-Candy.

These other gentlemen have all seen service.

Distinguished service with the British Army.

When Napoleon said

that an army marches on its stomach...

I'd better stop, sir.

You're an extremely impudent young officer,

but let me tell you that in 40 years' time

you will be an old gentleman too.

If your belly keeps pace with your head,

you'll have a bigger one than any of us.

Maybe I shall in 40 years,

but I doubt it, and I doubt if I'll have time

to grow a moustache like yours, sir.

But in 1 983, at least I shall be able to say

that 40 years ago I was a fellow of enterprise.

I'll punch your head for that, young fellow!

You young puppy! Put 'em up. Take that.

I'll teach you!

Think you can say what you like to an old 'un,

do you?

Do you know how many wars I've been in?

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