The Long Kiss Goodnight

Mrs. Claus is hot!

My name is Samantha Caine.

At least, l think it is.

You might not believe it,

but l was born only eight years ago...

on a beach in New Jersey.

l entered the world fully grown,

wearing clothes l don't remember buying.

ln the back pocket,

a single key filed blank and faceless.

Fitting metaphor,

but otherwise no help whatsoever.

None.

Sometimes l stand naked in the mirror.

Try to guess my age.

Maybe 35?

l have lots of scars.

They call my condition

''focal retrograde amnesia.''

lt's no picnic,

but l've learned to live with it.

Got a job l love.

Been seeing someone.

Nice guy.

Good sense of humor.

- Hound of the Baskervilles.

- Mad dogs.

- Hal?

- Yes, Sam.

Of all the Christmas pageants

l've ever seen...

this is by far

the most recent.

For God's sake, Sam, l have

teenage girls playing the wise men.

- What did you expect?

- Teenage boys?

l thought they did fine.

lt was the first Nativity where

Joseph stares at the wise men's tits.

Her name is Caitlin.

When l woke up on that long-ago day,

l was two-months pregnant with her.

l don't know who her father is.

l may never. l just know she's mine.

His name is Mr. Perkins.

My mom named him for me.

Caitlin, come help in the kitchen!

That's her.

- That's who?

- Her mom.

She's got amnesia.

Swear?

Swear.

Too weird.

Hello, girls.

Caitlin, come help me

in the kitchen.

Hurry up,

l forget where it is.

Raymond!

Catch you smoking, they'll never

find the body. Understand?

Yes, Ms. Caine.

Have a cookie.

As the year draws to a close...

l would like to share with you

just a few things about myself.

Things of which

l am especially proud.

First, l'm proud to say that...

l don't smoke...

l don't drink...

and l don't swear.

Oh, sh*t,

l do smoke and drink.

To our dear friends.

May the best of your past

be the worst of your future.

l'll drink to that.

Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow.

We got the mistletoe.

Eight years.

Except for my name,

all traces are lost.

l used to hire expensive detectives.

Now l use the cheap ones.

Doesn't seem to matter.

The woman l was...

the one l used to be,

she's gone.

l've kissed her goodnight.

Police! Don't move!

What the hell is this?

Don't give me attitude, sir.

You're assuming l won't shoot

your sorry ass.

When you make an assumption,

you make an ''ass'' of you and ''umption.''

l'm Sgt. Madigan, Vice,

and if you do cop a 'tude...

l will see to it you spend the next

lf the case is thrown out

because my arrest was violent...

l will hire men to ass-f*** you

for the next ten years.

So if you're an ass-f***ing fan...

go ahead and mouth off.

Meanwhile, you're under arrest

for the crime of prostitution.

Officer Dunleavy...

read him his rights.

- What?

- His rights.

You have the ''remight''--

You have the right

to remain silent.

Anything you say and do...

will be held against you--

Please, listen, l got a wife.

l never.

This is the first time...

l've ever done this.

l swear!

Sir! Listen to me.

l can see from your choice here,

you're not a wealthy man.

Because of the damage

this arrest could do to you...

l think we might be able

to make an arrangement.

Oh, God!

Gotta stop using bums.

Forget that.

They looked like cops.

We pulled it off, didn't we?

lt was embarrassing.

You want me to hire actors?

These guys are cheap.

They work for food.

When they puke,

is that a like a refund?

l'm pissing myself

you're so funny.

- What's this?

- l got movement on Samantha Caine.

Really?

No, l may have a lead on someone...

who rented Amnesia Chick

an apartment back in 1987.

They may still have

some of her stuff.

Get outta here.

Where'd that come from?

Lucky break.

Old lady died, and one of her

a**hole grandkids found a credit card...

with the name Samantha Caine on it.

Tried to use it at Nordstroms.

Okay, here's what we do.

Get on the phone to Amnesia Chick.

Tell her we need more cash.

That was a really swell party.

Thanks again for the ride.

You and Hal have been together,

what, a couple of years?

How often do you two...

Stick our fingers in our hands and

pull them out? Every chance we get.

Earl, do me a favor? Every few words

blow bubbles and say ''hic.''

Goddamn it, l'm not drunk!

l'll prove it to you.

Come on.

Stop that!

l'm sorry.

And so much for the skydiving Santa

of Hutchinson County.

Meanwhile, WlCC news...

journeyed to Honesdale, where Santa's

own Mrs. Kringle turned out...

to celebrate her hubby's

worldwide tour.

And after one look at her,

l'm thinking...

Santa got what he really wanted

this Christmas.

The parade included floats

and participants from four counties.

Everyone enjoyed themselves,

especially the young...

and the young at heart.

Gotta be f***ing kidding!

No!

No f***ing way!

lt's impossible!

You rest up...

and l'll see you in the morning.

Sweet dreams.

l want a cigarette.

l don't smoke.

You used to.

See how easy it comes back?

l'm coming back.

You know that, don't you?

Name's Charly by the way.

You're going to love me.

This is the intergalactic slammer.

lt's a jail.

This is the Borian dude.

Kind of like a dinosaur.

This is his escape chute. He's mean,

quick, and he don't take no sh*t.

He can shoot at the guards

with his arrow.

- Cool, huh?

- Todd.

Time for dinner.

Now.

Guess you better go in.

Hope you like the toy.

lt's awesome.

Dad, Mom...

she gets weird.

Like on my birthday when you gave me

that Schwinn.

She called the bicycle store to see

if there'd been any robberies.

Tell her l don't steal

them locally, all right?

Sorry, but,

l can't take this.

You know how Mom will get.

Guess l'll see ya.

All right.

How do you like that?

- Yo, Trin, me. What's up?

- Ready to be happy?

Remember the landlady

l told you about?

The Caine woman was

her favorite tenant.

Then one day,

the tenant never comes home.

Old lady very sad. So sad she can't

throw away Amnesia Chick's sh*t.

lt's pay dirt, Mitch.

Got an old postcard never mailed.

Woman telling everyone

she just got engaged.

Samantha's handwriting.

Perfect match.

She was engaged to some guy in Jersey.

No phone number, just an address.

Holy sh*t! Score!

That's worth time and a half.

Double. l made us look good.

Her other P.l.s couldn't find dick.

Course not.

Took a true dickhound like yourself.

Tell Ms. Caine

l'm coming to see her tonight.

Honey, you have an ETA

on that carrot?

Stow it.

Maybe you should just take it

with you to school.

You're killing me.

You're so funny.

Here.

Give me the knife.

No!

l'm going to cut this carrot,

and you're going to eat it and like it.

Piss off.

Hon?

Look, will you?

How the hell?

l used to do this.

l'm a chef.

Look what she's doing.

Give me something else.

Quick, anything!

- Tomato.

- Tomato.

Look.

- Look at this woman go. All right.

- More!

Pepper. Pepper!

Celery!

Look at this!

More!

Scallions!

One more tomato.

Look at this woman.

She's amazing!

Chefs do that.

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