The Making of 'The Number 23'

---

IA week ago,

the only thing I thought was

Out of the ordinary was

that it was my birthday.

Sorry.

I'm just bored.

Oh.

Unit 5, come in.

Unit 5, come in.

Do you read me, unit 5?

Of course, things

didn't really start here.

I I'll have a blue...

How do I look?

- The truth?

- I look like a rock star, don't I?

- You look great.

- Hey, what's going on with you?

- What?

- Why are you acting so weird?

- What do you mean?

- You got drugs on you? Smoking cigarettes?

- Huh? Oh, just holding them for a friend, huh?

- Have a good time.

- Ha ha.

- Have a good time.

Aggie, you okay?

- Sexy.

Do you hate me?

As much now as the day I met you.

- You know, I might be contagious.

- I could be immune.

- What about the party?

- Like they're gonna miss me.

What about the cake?

I'd like two

words on my tombstone--

"What if?"

What if I had said screw the cake?

Single tonight, Walter?

Not actually, no.

- Oh, hey!

- Oh, come on.

Why don't you wag your tail

at me in the b*tches' room?

- Sybil.

What if

I had been a bit more...

sybil, I wouldn't wag

my tail in the bathroom

With you if you were

the last b*tch on earth.

...tactful?

Sparrow, I repeat.

We have an unidentified

scavenger sighting.

It's one minute to 5:00, Sybil.

Then we're agreed you're still on duty.

Mm-Hmm, yeah, sure.

Sounds delicious. Can I get it to go?

Right.

Okay okay.

Come to papa.

Maybe you'd like to hear a story.

- Hmm?

Yeah, once upon a time

There was a dog

Who lived a life of terror,

Feared no one.

But although his teeth were sharp

And his belly full,

His heart was empty.

He decided to go on a journey

To a land far far away,

Where he came upon a

wooden shack one day

With a thin old man inside.

And he invited him in.

The dog...

was overjoyed.

And that night

Warm smoke billowed

from the chimney above,

But, oh...

what an odd-Smelling smoke this was.

You see, the land was china.

And in China,

- They eat dog.

- Whoa! Ooh!

Let me see who your

irresponsible owner is.

Oh, god!

Damn it!

Didn't like my story, huh?

That's all right. I can take criticism.

Oh, god.

Oh, I don't believe this sh*t.

All right, buddy, pick a spot.

Now where'd you go?

Destiny--

Maybe that's too big a word for it.

If I'd been nicer to sybil, she never

would have sent me after that dog.

I wouldn't have been

late to meet Agatha,

And none of this would have happened.

But I was late.

And that's all it took.

Oh!

- Take a look at that. Try not to throw up.

- Oh oh, god!

"Nasty

evil dog"--

That's what "Ned" stands for.

If I ever see him again, he's

gonna be Ned with two d's--

"Nasty evil dead dog."

- All right, now take a deep breath.

- Dead Ned.

- That's what he's gonna be.

- And remember,

It's your birthday, okay?

- Yeah, I've been thinking

about that. - Mmm-Hmm.

Why is it we go and see

your friends on my birthday?

Um...

probably because you don't have any.

- Oh.

Makes sense.

So I'm older, I'm disfigured,

And I'm spending an evening in hell.

- No.

- I suppose I'm buying that for you too.

Well, actually, I've had a good

long time to flip through it.

Why don't you give it a try?

Have some writer fill my head with

nonsense? I'll wait for the movie.

You don't know what you're missing.

Hmm, and yet life goes on.

"'The number 23.'

A novel of obsession by Topsy Kretts."

Hmm.

"A heart-wrenching

odyssey into paranoia.

One of the most horrifying

metamorphoses ever told.

Beware of the dog next door."

Get out of here. Are you kidding me?

I'm buying this for you, okay?

- Would you get the cake?

- Yeah.

February

Experts say friends

are vitally important.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hello.

- Hey.

I'm sorry we're late.

- Nothing a kiss won't cure.

- Oh!

I am living

proof of the fallacy of astrology.

Hi. How's your arm, birthday boy?

- You okay?

- Just waiting for it to fall off.

- Good thing it didn't bite you somewhere else.

- Oh.

- Five seconds. Five seconds.

- Fourth word.

- Birds, butterflies, birds.

- It flies.

- Birds, birds.

- Flies, flies.

- "Lord of the flies"!

- Okay, you're next.

- Thank you.

"All the characters

in this book are fictitious,

And anyone finding a

resemblance to actual persons,

Living or dead, should

proceed no further."

- Now it's time for birthday sex.

I need a lot of birthday sex.

- You know what?

- What?

Let's sit out here for a while.

Oh-- Oh,

honey.

- Come on, it'll be romantic.

- Yeah, but it's also cold.

Here, take my coat.

Your jacket, take it. I'll call you.

Mom, dad. I thought I heard voices.

Well, you know,

If someone was in bed asleep

the way they were supposed to be,

- They wouldn't hear any voices.

- In bed? Okay.

You're supposed to be in bed.

Oh, dad. Dad, I, uh,

forgot to give you this.

- Here.

- Oh, cool.

- Yeah, I wrapped it myself.

- Yeah.

I accept bribes any

time of the day or night.

Back door?

She went down the alley.

Wow, that's cool.

Robin, she's a nice girl.

Make sure she stays that way.

All right. Good night, dad.

- Happy birthday.

- Thanks.

"Chapter 1:

you can call me fingerling.

It's not my real name.

It came from a book I read as a child,

'Fingerling at the zoo.'

Paper flap long gone,

It had a green hardback

cover and mottled texture.

It was possibly my very first book.

Funny,

I can't recall what it was about.

The only thing I

remember is the name--

Fingerling.

I wished it was mine

And now it is."

This is your first bite?

First animal one, yes.

My wife, she has these gnawing urges

In her sleep and...

tell me about this canine Ned.

What would you do if you

came across him again?

If I was in my truck, I'd accelerate

Until I heard a thud.

I'm sorry. I'm

just-- I'm joking.

I just-- This

is just silly.

Mr. Sparrow, animal-Control

regulations state

That any officer suffering

at the hands of an animal

Must undergo psychological

counseling within seven days

To evaluate their state of mind.

I gave him my arm on a platter.

Can't blame a creature of

lower intelligence for that.

I made a mistake, okay? Write

that down. I made a mistake.

It's my fault-- Like

when I told my wife

She could choose the color

For the living room walls, you know?

Not that women are of

lower intelligence, just...

have a good day, mr. Sparrow.

No, I'm jus--

No, Agatha is the most

intelligent person I know.

What she sees in me, I'm not sure.

Look...

I love my job, and I'm good at it.

Ned got away.

Well, yeah, but...

don't worry. Apart from

a flawed sense of humor,

I'm giving you a clean bill of health.

You're not a danger to anyone.

That's why you can go and

have the whole day off.

Really?

I'll take it.

- Mr. Sparrow.

- Yeah.

What color did your wife

choose for the walls?

Red, blood red.

"Chapter 2:

Imagine me, if you must,

As someone you once knew.

Someone perhaps you liked.

Or better yet,

Imagine me as you.

As a kid, I was top of my class,

Not because I liked studying,

but because I realized

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes