The Making of 'The Sweetest Thing' Page #3

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Sweetheart, I haven't seen you

since I taught you in third grade!

- Top of the morning there, Mr. Martin.

- Hello, Father Flynn.

As I live and breathe, isn't it...

It is little Mary Jane Burns!

What a coincidence!

I'm having supper with your parents tonight.

What a stain you got there, little Janie!

So how was it? Was it fun?

Oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't tell you this.

Apparently, one of the guys

who was at the party flipped out...

...was out on the balcony,

screaming at the top of his lungs:

"Christina! Has anyone seen

my little Christina?"

Then he jumps off and dies

because you're a p*ssy. Why didn't you go?

I don't know! I was going to. I was.

I was going to, and then I wasn't.

And then I called him at the hotel...

Wait. Hold on. Rewind for one second.

You called him at the hotel?

- What did he say?

- Nothing. He said nothing. Okay?

- Why?

- He checked out already.

Let's just sum this up real quickly.

In the bathroom, we hate him,

yet we call him by name.

Then we throw beer on him.

Then we laugh and we flirt

and we dance with him.

Then we casually call him at the hotel.

Then we obsess about the casual call.

Obsess? I'm not obsessing, okay?

Could all this erratic behavior

be because this guy got under your skin?

- No.

- That you might really like him?

That you regret not going because

you'll never know what might've happened?

No, I don't regret it, and if I had any regrets...

...it would be this conversation,

right now, having it with you.

- Can we drop it?

- Okay. Sorry I brought it up.

I won't mention it again.

Even if I did regret not going to the party...

...it's not like I can do anything about it now.

Sometimes you just have

to let these things go, right?

- Exactly.

- Although...

...if there was regret...

...I suppose there's always something

you could do about it.

You could show up at his brother's wedding,

because it is his brother.

But that's only if you regretted it,

which I don't regret it.

I just don't regret it.

Regret is such a waste of time.

Honey will you just admit

that you regret not going to this party.

- Okay, fine I regret not going to this party.

- You need to let it go.

I'm letting it go. I'm over it.

Hi, honey, how did it go?

- Fine. No problem.

- Good.

Did we have fun last night?

Yes, I did. It was great.

You guys were right,

a transition guy is what I needed.

Good.

So how was he, was he good?

He was very sweet and complimentary.

And very into pleasing me first.

So how was girth?

Averag-ish.

"Averag-ish." That's good.

So what did you tell him?

What do you mean?

What do we always tell them, no matter what?

Oh, my God, your penis is so big.

Good girl.

Your penis is so thick.

Your penis is just so pretty.

You got a handsome dick!

Your penis, it's so...

...hard.

Your penis is just so large.

My body is a movie...

...and your penis is the star!

You're too big to fit in here.

Too big to fit in here.

Too big to fit in here.

"You're too big to fit in here"

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's Fame! We're in Fame right now.

"What a lovely ride

"Your penis is a thrill

"Your penis is a Cadillac

"A giant Coup de Ville

"Your penis packs a wallop

Your penis brings a load

"And when it makes a delivery

It needs its own zip code

- "Nine

- "Double zero

"Penis

"You're too big to fit in here

"Your penis is so strong

Your penis is so smooth

- "Your penis has got a rhythm

- "Your penis makes me groove

- "Your penis is a dream

- "The biggest one I've seen

"It's oozy and it's green"

Sorry.

"You're too big to fit in here

"You're too big to fit in here

"Your penis is so big

Your penis is so thick

"Your penis is so pretty

You got a handsome dick

"Your penis is so hard

Your penis is so large

- "My body is a movie

- "And your penis is the star

"Starring your penis

"You're too big to fit in here"

- Come on.

- How much time we got?

We've got three hours before the rehearsal.

Hit the ball.

- Good shot.

- Fore!

I'll shove that club up your ass, you dicklicker!

- What are you up by, two?

- I guess.

It doesn't get any better than this.

- To the marriage.

- To the marriage.

- To the bride.

- To the bride.

To 50 years with the same woman.

That's really depressing.

Sorry.

Saggy tits.

Be able to use them as a belt by then.

- Or just tuck them in her socks.

- Okay.

God, this marriage is such a big leap.

It's really intense, Pete.

- But if it's the right woman...

- I guess.

Get up a little. Yes. Fore!

You motherfuckers! Stop bothering me!

You're driving right into them.

I hear John is still AWOL

from that bachelor party.

He showed up, missing an eyebrow,

with a tattoo on his ass that says "B*tch."

- I am not an animal!

- Very good.

Speaking of b*tches...

...what was going on with you

at the club with that hottie?

- Nothing.

- I mean, Jesus!

I don't know what you're talking about.

- I think you liked her.

- No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did. Don't lie to me.

Don't lie. Don't lie to Darth, Luke.

I could see it in your eyes you liked her.

Nothing I can do about it now.

Should have poked her in the whiskers

when you had the chance.

What's that, Gramps?

I met this hot young dish...

...at the World's Fair back in 1940.

Every moment with her was like a slice of heaven.

I bet you really miss Grandma.

F*** Grandma.

It's Pearl I'm talking about.

She was the love of my life.

Don't ever let these moments pass you by.

F***ing Grandma.

Be nice.

Come on. 7-6.

Fore!

You suck!

Damn it!

- But you smell so minty fresh now.

- What do you want?

I need to borrow your black Gucci bag.

It's in the living room.

I don't know where in the living room,

and I don't feel like looking for it.

Will you help me find it, please?

Come on, please.

Since I'm up now,

and you decided to torture me...

...l'll go and get it.

I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Excuse me.

Can you tell me where the bathroom is?

- Behind you.

- Over here?

Thanks.

Oh, my...

...cock.

Oh, my cock.

Do you have any Advil?

He is so cute. So stupid.

Can I get that purse now, please?

Yes, you can have the purse.

Here's the purse.

Thank you very much.

- Where are you going?

- You and I are going to a wedding.

- What wedding? Who's getting married?

- We're going to Peter's brother's wedding.

Peter?

This Somerset place where they live

is some small freak-ass town...

...three hours north, so we have to

get on the road now to make it on time.

- Peter.

- What?

I'm not going to Peter's brother's wedding!

What are you talking about? Yesterday,

you said you wanted to go, so I went...

- I was joking.

- No, you weren't.

Yes, I was.

Fifty percent of what people say

when they're joking is true.

Which means you do want to go,

but you're too afraid to admit it.

So by making some sort of joke about it,

you get to say what you really want...

...without being vulnerable.

- Right?

- Maybe.

Okay. The wedding starts at 5:00.

I refuse to be late.

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