The Making of 'The Sweetest Thing' Page #4

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Put some clothes on. Now! Thank you.

- That was a nice one.

- Thanks.

- Watch the road, sweetie!

- I am watching the road.

Once we get off the 140...

...we'll take the 95, get off on the Somerset exit.

We'll drive around

and we should find the church, no problem.

Ta-da!

- What is that?

- What is what?

- You don't smell that?

- What? I don't smell anything.

- You're used to it. That's what's scary.

- I don't smell anything.

It smells like moldy ass,

is what it smells like in here.

Come to think of it,

I did leave some ass in the back.

- You did?

- About a week ago.

It must be the ass. No, no. Sit down.

- What are you doing?

- Jesus, Courtney.

What is all this crap?

Don't throw out anything I might need.

Where is it coming from? Where?

I can still smell it.

Maybe it's you.

Did something crawl up your poon-nonny?

I have never, ever had any complaints

in the poon-nonny odor department.

- You know what? Neither have I.

- High five on the clean poon-nonny.

B*tch.

What?

- What is this?

- What is what?

What is this?

Jesus, I don't know.

I don't even know how long it's been in here.

What is in here?

No! That is not okay.

It isn't okay. You are a disgusting, nasty pig.

Do you understand?

There was maggots on that flesh.

I got maggot juice all over me.

Ladies' room.

Ladies' room.

- Someone's in here.

- Sorry.

- It might be a while.

- How long?

Let me put it to you this way:

I had lamb curry last night

and I'm shitting out a Buick.

Was it absolutely vital for her to tell us that?

Hello?

Clear?

I feel like I have maggots all over me.

Don't move. You have a maggot right here.

Stop it.

I'm going to pee my pants.

I'll just use the urinal.

You want to hear some poetry?

"There once was a man from Bandoo

Who fell asleep in a canoe

"He dreamed of Venus

And played with his penis

"And woke up with a handful of goo"

Don't make me laugh!

Darn it. I think I peed on myself.

"Follow the yellow brick road"?

I'm following the yellow brick road.

Follow the yellow brick road.

Buffy! You look like my old doggie Buffy.

Hello, girl.

- Oh, my God, it's on my hands!

- Good girl. What you got in here?

What you got? What's in your mouth?

What you got in there?

What's in there?

Surprise!

Goddamn it.

How could you not know what a glory hole is?

Unlike my whore friend Courtney Rockliffe...

...I don't usually spend much time

in men's public bathrooms.

Goddamn. That is the funniest thing

I have ever seen in my entire life.

I flew across that room.

And you got f***ed in the eye.

I'm glad you find it so f***ing amusing, okay?

I really do.

Could you please have some compassion?

Because I could go blind.

You're not going to go blind.

- Let me look at it.

- I mean, I got a penis in my eye.

Let me see. Let me see.

All right.

- Is it okay?

- Yeah, it's okay.

But I think you're pregnant.

Would you please stop it, already?

Re-dress the mannequins

and check the sock inventory.

Come on, it's Saturday and nobody's here,

and Mr. Mooney...

Mr. Mooney is off sailing with his boytoy,

which leaves me in charge of the store.

Somebody needs to get some.

There's my dirty girl!

It's me, baby. It's me.

- Why are you dressed like that?

- It's my job. I work at a children's hospital.

You look so cute.

- I'm horny.

- Me, too.

- You'll laugh at this one.

- What?

You know I said I had to do laundry today,

because I ran out of clean underwear?

- I've only got the skanky ones left.

- Tell me about it, dude.

You are so unbelievable.

Is that what I think it is?

- Spring break, 1994, baby.

- Turn it up.

- Oh, my God! Brain.

- Jane!

You and I are so awesome together.

We're like two peas in a pod.

- Like oil and vinegar...

- Shut up.

I can't believe I'm f***ing a purple elephant.

What do you mean, she's not here?

We have customers, missy.

Sorry, Mr. Mooney. I'll check upstairs.

I'm gone for one day,

the place turns into Indonesia.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- What is going on?

- Nothing.

I'm just frantic. I've a million things to do.

And I'm dizzy. I'm so dizzy.

Mr. Mooney is downstairs, and he is P-l-S-E-D.

"Pised"?

- Where have you been?

- I was upstairs taking inventory.

Yeah, my aunt Fanny.

- Gallini's.

- Hello, is Jane there?

- Yes, she is.

- Have a lovely day.

- Hello?

- Janiel

Sorry, I can't talk right now.

I'm really busy.

We were wondering:

Sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

I dropped the thingy to my lip gloss.

Could you get it for me?

I'll get it.

It's too far over. I'll get it.

Hold on to it. Keep steering.

I got it. Don't worry.

Beneath the...

Yeah, baby!

- Oh, yeah, right there.

- No, that's not it.

You like that?

Yeah. Let me have some of that.

- Oh, yeah. Don't stop.

- I'm not going to stop.

I found it. I almost got smothered down there.

Sh*t.

Are you okay?

- You good?

- Yeah, I'm good. Never better.

Let's get on the same page about what we'll say.

Game plan.

Walk up to him and be like, "Peter, is that you?

"My friend Courtney, that hot babe?

She and I went to college with the bride.

"That is unbelievable.

I can't believe that. It's unbelievable.

"Freaky."

Afternoon.

- Miss Vera's has plenty to offer us.

- Plenty of crap.

- We don't have time for this.

- Okay, let's go.

- Welcome to my store. Can I help you?

- No, we were just browsing. Thank you.

You don't like my store, do you?

No, that's not it at all. It's really a lovely store.

We were looking for something...

The next dress store is 20 miles from here.

- We'll miss the wedding.

- Judy Webb's wedding?

I know all about it. I dressed half the guests!

When I was 22...

...my breastices were, like, right about there.

Nice and perky.

Gravity has taken them to there.

It's like, 22, 28.

Buy some new ones.

Okay, wait. No, no. Look. What is this?

- What is that, though?

- That, again, is gravity.

- Knock, knock. Are you decent?

- Yeah.

You're going to love this stuff. It's our latest line.

If you need other sizes, just holler.

Thank you, Vera.

Excellent.

Jesus.

- Look.

- That's nice.

Wait a minute.

Do we have time for a movie montage?

Well, you know...

- Thank you so much.

- You look sensational.

Thanks to your styling, Vera.

Thank you.

Would you like to be on our mailing list?

Sure. Right here?

Just send it there.

That's sweet.

It sure is. Thank you. 'Bye.

- We've got to go.

- Oh, my God. I can't walk in this thing.

- We've got to go.

- Oh, my God. I can't walk in this thing.

- Take little steps.

- Bondage.

We don't have time, sweetie.

My God!

Oh, my God.

These are the days of our lives.

- This is not discreet.

- No, it isn't.

- We can't walk into a wedding...

- Come on. It's very LaToya Jackson.

I mean, really. Look at all this...

I may as well strap a sign on my ass

that says "stalker."

I'm not going there wearing this outfit.

Can we please just go?

- Yes. Let's go home.

- Really?

We've driven for three and a half hours

and everything.

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