The Mind Reader

1

[Train whistle blowing]

[john Philip sousa's "the stars

and stripes forever" plays]

[Music stops]

And now, my friends,

if there are any among you

suffering from that scourge

of mankind... toothache...

Let him step up here

and be relieved...

Instantly, painlessly,

and without charge!

[Music resumes]

Go on, Hank.

Oh, well.

How do you do, friend?

How do you do?

Come right here.

[Indistinct conversation]

[Music stops]

Now relax, my friend.

It'll all be over

before you know it.

Be careful, doc.

She's awful sore.

You won't even feel it,

my good fellow.

And now, my friends,

you'll notice

how quickly and painlessly

all this is done.

No surgical shock and no

nervous strain on the patient.

All right, my friend,

let's have a look at it.

Open wide, please.

Aha.

Acute

hemorrhoidal laparotomy.

Fortunately,

it is one of my specialties.

All right, now,

friend, relax.

Relax.

Open wide.

[Music resumes]

[Music stops]

Did I or did I not

cause you any pain, my friend?

The gentleman

says he never even felt it.

And now, my friends,

who else

wants a bottle of kink-away,

that magic hair tonic?

The miracle preparation

of the age, my friends.

A great scientific gift

to mankind.

Are we asking a dollar

for this priceless fluid?

We are not.

Half a dollar? No.

For the trifling sum

of 25 cents,

the fourth part

of a silver dollar,

you are privileged

to take home with you

a bottle of this magic lotion.

It gives your head a straight,

strong, glossy hair

that has the ladies

leaping in your lap.

Excuse me, boss, but you sold me

a bottle of that stuff

down in Birmingham

last month.

Well, it worked,

didn't it?

[Train whistle blows]

[calliope music plays]

Here you are, folks!

Here you are!

The eighth wonder of the world!

A monument to human patience,

endurance, and fortitude!

Think of it, my friends...

32 days balanced

on the needle-like point

of a flagpole

on his way

to a new world record!

Well, say, mister,

can I ask you a question?

Sure.

How does he what?

[Chuckles] Say,

that's a professional secret.

Aw, baloney.

Come on down.

We're a bust.

What's wrong?

Our racket's all wrong.

If the whole population

was lying on its back,

it wouldn't look up at you.

[Clicking]

No customers, huh?

No.

Must be the depression

or something.

If all

the penny-pinching yaps

ever gathered together

in one spot,

they wouldn't

give a dime

to see the statue of liberty

do the rumba.

Man:

Step right this way, folks!

This is the greatest show

on the lot!

Admission... only 25 cents!

Never make you,

never break you,

never start you

in any legitimate business.

Speculation, folks,

is the life of trade.

Look, folks!

He tells the past,

the present, and the future!

He answers your questions

on money, marriage, and love!

Step right inside...

There's a guy

with a sweet racket.

Admission... only 25 cents.

Don't crowd, don't push.

There's room inside for all.

Look how

he's pulling them in.

Let's go over

and see what he's got.

I know you'll

enjoy this show, folks.

[indian accent]

A Patty wants to know

if the handsome gentleman

from the Oklahoma oil fields

will propose marriage to her.

Is that your question,

lady?

It sure is!

He's wonderful!

Hey, that dame's a plant.

She used to shill for me

in an auction in 'frisco.

There's 40 people

in this joint.

At 25 cents a head,

that's 10 bucks of sucker money.

Boy, what a gold mine

this is.

Hey, pipe down,

pipe down.

"The first thing to be done

by the crystal gazer

"is to rub

the palms of the hands

"briskly

for several minutes.

"Pick up the crystal

with the left hand

"and make several passes

with the right hand

"over and above

the crystal,

"which will have a tendency

to magnetize it

"and bring results

more quickly.

"Always gaze calmly

into the crystal,

"but do not at anytime

strain the eyes.

"Try to avoid winking.

There's a difference between

staring and gazing."

It says here

that 30 million people

spend about 125 million bucks

every year

just to get their fortunes told

and their minds read.

125 million smackers.

Say, how long has that

been going on?

Geez!

Say, I must have been daffy

to overlook this!

It's a sure cleanup.

Any schoolboy

can get rich doing it.

All you got to do

is look wise,

tie a bath towel

around your head,

and tell the chumps

what they want to hear.

The whole world's

full of hopeful suckers.

Just keep promising

them things.

They'll believe you.

And pay for it, too...

Pay big!

Look.

[Deep voice]

Little lady, listen well.

I see a tall, handsome, dark,

distinguished-looking gentleman,

a man with millions

and millions

made in the cattle business

in the Argentine.

And don't kid yourself.

There are plenty of dames

that'll go for that hooey.

[Normal voice]

And now we got to get a name...

A name that'll catch their eye

and stick in their minds.

"Something" the great,

the great "something",

le blank, le Von, divon,

the great livoni,

the great divoni...

The great baloney.

[Laughs]

Boy, that's a pip...

The great baloney.

Yes, silly.

Why don't you try helping me?

Perfect.

Look, look.

Look at that. Just what we need,

just the name for me.

Chandra?

Or cookies?

[Deep voice]

Chandra.

Chandra the great.

Frank:
Chandra the great reads

your mind like an open book.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now

my pleasure to introduce to you

the world's master of mental

mysticism... chandra the great!

[Gong crashes]

I shall now pass among you,

giving each

and every one of you

a piece of paper on which

to write your questions.

Don't let your neighbor

see what you write.

Mohammad, have you faithfully

performed your mission?

Are all the questions

in the basket?

Yes, great master.

Burn them.

Consign them

to the flames.

"I have lost my keys.

"Please tell me

where I can find them.

Signed,

George Thomas."

George Thomas

has lost his keys.

I see them...

Yes, I see them at home.

They are in the door

of your liquor cabinet.

Who won the fourth race

at belmont, Sam?

Blue boy.

Why don't I drop

another 2 bucks.

Who'd you bet on?

Rollaway.

That coyote couldn't beat

a fat woman going up a hill.

He showed plenty of speed

at latonia.

Yeah? Racing a lot

of cockroaches?

Besides, he wasn't in

the second race.

You're trying to tell me

he didn't win the second race

at latonia last Saturday?

I'm telling you he wasn't in

the second race.

He was in the fourth race.

Conditions in the spirit world

seem disturbed.

Get your dough out.

A dollar will get you 10.

A dollar?

No, I-i-i ain't gonna

bet you.

I'm a sporting man.

Ah,

everything is clear again.

"Am I going to marry

and settle down here,

"or will I go to Chicago

and look for a job?

Signed, Sylvia r."

I see a little lady who is

perplexed as to her future...

Whether to stay in this city

and enjoy the soft protection

of matrimony

or to fare forth and hew out

a commercial career

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